‘We complete each other’: local man with coronavirus meets match in Cabo

Local personal injury attorney Jared Crinklestein was feeling pretty down when he learned recently that he’d contracted coronavirus. Friends and family urged the 32-year-old Phoenix resident to stay put, lay low and take it easy, fearing that the “work hard, play hard” lifestyle he so vociferously espoused to anyone forced by circumstance into listening would hasten the virus’ advance.

“But I’m not about that life,” said Crinkelstein, whose Bumble profile lists him as “active” with hobbies including belittling opposing counsel via email, activities calling for board shorts, CrossFit and his chest-waxing club.

“Look, I’ve been in this situation hundreds, if not thousands of times before; I’m a professional, with lots of experience winning at pretty much everything. And if that experience has taught me anything, it’s this: When life hands you a Corona, you find a f---ing lime.”

“Jared Crinkelstein may be many things,” said Sol Goldfarb, managing partner at Goldfarb Injury Law, where Crinkelstein is employed, “but, above all, he’s mission-driven.”

Less than 24 hours after his diagnosis, Crinkelstein boarded a flight for Cabo San Lucas, inspired, he said, by common sense and a television beer commercial imploring him to find his beach.

“To me, coronavirus isn’t about what I have,” he wrote cryptically on Facebook before leaving the country. “It’s about what I’m missing. Follow me on IG, lol.”

Upon arrival at the famed resort town on Mexico’s Baja California peninsula, Crinkelstein checked into the beach-side, adults-only resort, Lvst.

“This place is lit,” Crinkelstein announced to no one in particular upon arrival. “Definitely NSFW.”

It’s around this time, in retrospect, that Crinkelstein said he first became symptomatic.

“I got into my room and changed into my boardies right away,” he recalled. “I kinda panicked for a second when I couldn’t find my shades; they allow me to satisfy my leering eye with impunity, so, suffice it to say, I was about to be SOL in Cabo without them. But when I found that they were still attached to my Croakies, relief swept over me in an awesome wave. But then so did nausea and chills and a spot of vertigo.”

Undeterred, Crinkelstein hit a dockside beach bar near the pier just steps from his thatched-roof bungalow.

“I didn’t really think much of it at the time,” he said of his symptoms’ acute onset. “I pretty much just chalked it up to those shots of Patron I did with the dudes outside the baggage claim trying to sell me that time-share. That was

so dope.”

Watching a cruise ship enter the nearby harbor from his barstool, Crinkelstein felt a strange confluence of something he now steadfastly believes to be emotions.

“It seemed like I had everything I needed; I should’ve felt like I was living my best life, but I sensed something was missing, something fundamental to becoming the best version of myself.”

He suddenly spotted Rebecca Sarah Schulson-Brownstein; it was only then, he said, that he finally understood what had truly compelled him as a man newly diagnosed with coronavirus to travel all the way to Mexico.

Schulson-Brownstein, who quickly met Crinkelstein’s gaze, said that she, too, felt an almost instantaneous magnetism.

“I nearly cried when he revealed his condition to me; I’ve been looking for a serious relationship ever since I broke up with a coconut last year,” she said, revealing that for the longest time she’d sourced love-life advice from old Harry Nilsson records. “Jared was just fine the way he was, a plain old coronavirus of a man. But we could all use a little garnish that makes us nominally more palatable.”

“I told her I had coronavirus,” he said, “and that was all she needed to hear — we spent the entire night together and have been inseparable since.”

“I looked him square in the eye and said, proudly, ‘I have Lyme disease,’ she recalled. “We embraced immediately.”

The couple has since returned to the United States and plans to wed once released from quarantine, which, to their understanding, has been “just a really big misunderstanding.”

Uncontroversial seder table conversation topics down to woodworking, beige

On March 2, the Jewish Coalitions of North America released its annual list of approved conversation topics for the upcoming Pesach celebrations, and for the 5780th consecutive year, according to the report, the list of acceptable topics has been further winnowed down.

Discouraged topics now include dogs, “Schindler’s List,” hummus, any figure of the Byzantine Empire, Don Rickles, Paleolithic-era tools, the concept of anxiety, Søren Kierkegaard’s “The Concept of Anxiety,” the military, military time, uppers, downers, Upper Dublin, Downingtown, knock-knock jokes, eggs with two yolks, Shakespeare and any intimation that he didn’t really write his plays, ballpoint pens, barnyard hens, the invention of the transition lens, cousin Alan, Post-It notes, New Yorker totes, milk made from oats, castles (those with or without moats), Ireland or any Irish people, lasers, books, cooks, nooks (don’t even think about crannies), well-placed semicolons, economic displacement, meat replacements, The Replacements, unfinished basements, whether something could be had for all the tea in China, puns, nuns, guns, unfounded allegations, slant rhymes, the Hubble Telescope, Hubba Bubba Max bubblegum, any religion, Pope Honorius I, Pope Honorius II, Pope Honorius III, Pope Honorius IV, death, the death of sincerity, the death of God, “The Death and Life of Great American Cities,” the death of Elvis, Elvis Costello, Abbott & Costello, the upstairs neighbors, the Sunday papers, reminiscing about pagers, content creators, paved roads, deli meat, smelly feet, and whether or not the logo that bounces around a screensaver ever perfectly hits a corner.

AIPAC tailgate draws biggest crowd yet

AIPAC officials announced attendance of more than 15,000 at this year’s tailgate, smashing the record set before the 2019 policy conference.

Phoenix attendee Randy Gotlieb was pleased to see the variety of barbecue meats available for consumption.

“It’s an obvious reflection of AIPAC’s commitment to a bipartisan consensus,” he said. “This can be a space for people of all carnivorous commitments to coalesce around community, cookouts and chicken sandwiches.” Pressed for more, Gotlieb excused himself to go and see about some rumored brisket.

Wearing an Israeli flag tie around his head and slurring his words a bit, Jonathan Dahan, Israel’s permanent representative to the United Nations, reported that he had “been here since, like 4 a.m., no joke” and that he and his “boys” had done a kegs-and-eggs “tailgate to the tailgate” for those who were willing to get there a little earlier. Dahan wore an old campaign T-shirt, reading: “Bibi’s Fine in ’09,” featuring an edited image of the prime minister shirtless and chugging a 40-ounce Olde English 800.

Conference attendees who had registered early were treated to a VIP tent, where lucky guests could catch a glimpse of Vice President Mike Pence, slated to speak the next day, enjoying an easy Sunday of cornhole and Corona. JN

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