Purim Satire

The Notorious R.B.G.

Rumored bagel shortage schmears widespread panic

Manny Schewitz

As if people didn’t have enough to worry about with reports of avocado shortages, creating higher prices on both the fruit and millennials’ rent, now there’s another rumored shortage that will affect many dietary regimens: bagels.

“We’re telling everyone not to panic, as nothing’s really happened yet,” said Adam Einstein, owner of Scottsdale’s Pop, Lox and Drop It Bagels and descendent of one of the Einstein Bros. of bagel fame. “But there is definitely some concern in the industry about a shortage.”

With the increase in popularity of Instagrammable foods, like rainbow bagels or bagels with stranger flavors like Hot Cheetos, the rise in customers getting the breakfast staple just to take a picture of it and not actually eat it is one reason Einstein thinks there may soon be a shortage.

But he is more concerned about what the breakfast alternatives will be if bagels do run out.

“Donuts and lox just doesn’t have the same ring to it,” he said. “We’ll have to start getting creative.”

Bagel enthusiasts are certainly worried.

“Every morning, I wake up and come get a toasted everything bagel with schmear,” said 65-year-old Goldie Stein, holding her bagged breakfast outside the bagel shop. “What will I eat for breakfast if there are no bagels?” JN

iPhone X causes spike in parents calling kids for tech support

Steve Wozniman

With the advent of the iPhone X, Apple’s latest generation of phones, cellphone companies have seen a significant spike in older adults — specifically in the 480 area code — calling their millennial children.

New features like animojis (animated emoticons that follow your movements and speech), a lack of a visible home button and an omnipresent headphone jack has forced parents to call their children more frequently to ask how to use this latest technological trend.

“I don’t get it,” nagged 64-year-old Pearl Goldstein of Phoenix. “I keep asking Miss Siri for help, but she doesn’t understand what I’m saying. I just want it to tell me how to get to the nearest Bashas’. I wrote down instructions my son gave me to use the phone, but he must have skipped a step.”

While some have gradually taken to using Kindles, iPads, or simpler Android phones, the newest iPhone — with its simplistic design — seems to have missed the mark for these folks.

Evan Stern texted his father a photo of his daughter’s soccer game, he recalled, to which he received no less than four lengthy voicemails in response.

“Just text me back!” he exclaimed. “I’ve shown him how to do it hundreds of times.”

Verizon, AT&T and T-Mobile each reported about a 43 percent increase, on average, of outgoing calls from users on their senior plans.

Fortunately, for millennials on the other end of those calls, the one thing the iPhone X is terrible at is receiving phone calls. JN

Do you know what your Jewish teens are texting?

Bloomie Greene

Are you confused by what your Jewish teen is texting? Sometimes it seems like they have a language all their own, and it’s hard to keep up. Fear not! We’ve broken down some of the most popular phrases that Jewish teens have been using lately. (Note: Some are more likely to be used during certain times of the year.)

LOL: Lots of Lox

BRB: Badly Run Bris

ILY: Israelis Love Yelling

ROFL: Really Outstanding Freakin’ Latkes

STFU: Stephen’s Tefillin Feels Unreal

LMK: Let Mom Know

AWOL: Always Without Leavening (for use around Passover)

IKR: I Kvell Readily

YOLO: You Only Leviticus Once

TTYL: This Tallis You’ll Love JN

Jews for Jesus: ‘We’re coming out as Christians’

Yetta Levy

After years of being questioned about their faith, Jews for Jesus have finally come to a conclusion.

“Yes, it’s true. After much deliberation, I can confirm we’re coming out as Christians,” said a representative for the group founded in 1973. “It was really difficult to sort this all out, but we’re glad to let the world know who we really are.”

Jews for Jesus, or Messianic Jews, believe that Christ was the messiah and blend his teachings with those of Judaism.

John McHenry, a 17-year-old Jew for Jesus, said that he’s “pumped” to embrace his new faith.

“I’m looking forward to not having to sit through three-hour services on Shabbat,” McHenry said. “I’ll take the hour-long mass over that any day.”

Chandler-based “Rabbi” Jeremy Corcoran, a former Messianic Jew, plans to make the transition from one type of religious leader to another. He’s going to a Christian seminary this fall to become a priest.

“When Jews for Jesus made this decision, I had to look at a whole bunch of things in my life,” Corcoran said. “I love being Jewish, but I think I love Jesus more.”

Local Jew for Jesus mom Kristina Fairbrother plans to be just as neurotic as she was before.

“Yep, that’s not changing at all,” the mother of five said before telling her 10-year-old son, Danny, to finish the sandwich she made for him. JN

Johns Hopkins genetic engineers develop new species: the kosher crab

Herb Belchik

For generations, kosher Marylanders have been unable to enjoy the most famous and delectable seafood the bountiful Chesapeake Bay has to offer: Maryland blue crabs.

Being a shellfish without the requisite fins and scales, the nonkosher crustaceans that are required eating at most Baltimore backyard summer parties are verboten to all but the most secular of Jews. But now, thanks to new genetic engineering first developed in the animal testing labs at Johns Hopkins University, those days of filling up on the meager kosher offerings at the company party are gone: The kosher crab is about to skitter into Baltimore crab houses and seafood carryout joints.

“After years of trial and error, and not a few unfortunate freakish results, we have finally been successful at genetically modifying the egg sacs of a female blue crab by infecting the DNA that defines the shell with DNA from a Maryland rockfish,” said Dr. Larry Fishbein, Bloomberg distinguished professor and director of the Center for Arthropod Taxonomy at Johns Hopkins University.

The new species, Fishbein explained, looks just like a typical Maryland blue crab, but instead of the species’ natural bony exoskeleton, the new species, dubbed genus cancerus caeruleum terra maria kosherus, has thousands of overlapping scale structures encasing its appendages, with fins around what normally would be the crab’s pointy body shell. With the shell replaced by fins and scales, Baltimore kashrus authorities have dubbed the new crabs fair game for observant Jews.

“And the best part is that we have been able to maintain that same trademark taste and characteristic sweetness and delicacy of the best lump blue crab meat,” Fishbein said. “Only one hurdle remains. For some reason, they don’t turn red when we steam them, but we’re experimenting with goldfish DNA to remedy that.” JN

Letter to the Editor ... “LOL”

Not enough Jews complaining

Regarding your article about teaching tolerance to children (“Teaching Tolerance to Children,” Feb. 4), I appreciate the sponsor organization’s motivations, but I wonder if they’re sending the wrong message. While some tolerance is healthy, too much of it bucks thousands of years of cultural tradition.

Do children even know the word “kvetch” anymore? Is Jewish neurosis now confined to old Woody Allen movies? It is a particular disservice to girls to teach them to be relaxed, peaceful and uncomplaining; how will they grow up to be good Jewish mothers under such circumstances?

Are the new Jewish parents simply going to beatifically accept it when their child says he or she isn’t going to medical school? Will they simply shrug and smile when their grandchild is named Christopher? Will they blithely let their daughter go to services wearing that dreck shmatte blouse that hasn’t seen the inside of a washer in months?

The Jewish people have been carping and complaining about everything since the beginning of time, and it has served us well. In recently uncovered texts, Jacob repeats, again and again to his boys, “Oy, this desert! Such heat, and I got sand in my shoes!”

But he persevered. In this way, he taught them — and their descendants — to resist fatuous pleasures and use the seeds of their discomfort as the motivating fire in the belly.

If the next Jewish generation just accepts everything without complaining, who’s to say what could happen? JN

Mimi Schwartz-Feinberg

Paradise Valley

Fox announces new ‘Fiddler’ remake starring Seth Rogen

Buzz Feedstein

In line with popular remakes of “Grease,” “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” and “Hairspray,” Fox has announced a new made-for-TV revival: “Fiddler Live!”

The live TV musical will air this fall, reinterpreting the classic “Fiddler on the Roof” with an all-star cast: Mayim Bialik as Tzeitel, Zach Braff as Motel, Rachel Bloom as Hodel, Billie Lourd as Chava, Sacha Baron Cohen as Lazer Wolf, Isla Fisher as Golde, and — making his debut leading singing role — is Seth Rogen as Tevye.

Director Ryan Murphy noted his desire to stay true to the original with some added spins: Instead of casting a yenta, Fox opted for some product placement with JDate.

Rogen will also take a blunt and modern approach to the updated role.

“When Seth shimmied and danced along to ‘If I Were a Rich Man,’ I knew he was the one,” said Murphy, “plus he already has the beard.”

In typical Rogen fashion, however, the scene in which he sings his title song will take place in a marijuana-infused daydream.

“Some traditions are meant to be broken,” Rogen said. “Since Tevye pulls around a heavy cart all day, this could be exactly what he needs to relax — medically prescribed, of course.” JN

Notorious RBG to make music debut

Kanye Westberg

Embracing the nickname she’s been given throughout her esteemed career, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg announced the upcoming release of her first ever rap album, I Dissent, with Atlantic Records.

She will make her debut under the pseudonym Notorious R.B.G.

“This is completely new to me, and I’m a little late to the game,” the 83-year-old judge admitted, “but I’m excited to try something different.”

However, it seems she used her many years of experience in the Supreme Court as inspiration for her lyrics and song titles.

The 12-track album is still in production and set for release in 2018, but you can get a taste for what its sound will be based off of its tracklist, featuring titles like “Nothin’ But the Truth (So Help Me God) feat. DJ Khaled,” “Supreme,” “Roe Roe Roe V. Your Boat.”

Its title track, “I Dissent,” features lyrics like: “We tried to break the glass ceiling/and we made a dent/ Trump sitting in the White House?/ I dissent.”

Rapper Drake, fellow M.O.T., said of Ginsburg’s venture into music, “It’s exciting to have another Jewish rapper in the game, I’m looking forward to hear what she does.”

You can pre-order I Dissent on Amazon or iTunes. JN

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