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December 3, 1999/24 Kislev 5760, Vol. 52, No.14
Torah insights may help family members weather gatherings
MARK I. ROSEN, PH.D.
Jewish Family & Life
If you are having a problem with a family member, and the two of you aren't speaking, you certainly wouldn't be the first relatives in that situation.
In the Book of Genesis, we read about two brothers, Jacob and Esau, who didn't see or speak to each other for 20 years. The conflict started when Jacob deceived Isaac, their father, so he could steal the rights of the firstborn from Esau, and even had the support of his mother, Rebecca.
Most family conflicts aren't quite so dramatic and only last a few days. Nevertheless, the Bible can teach us some practical lessons about how to deal with our own family disputes. The Torah is full of stories of family members who do miserable things to each other. If the purpose of Torah is to teach us about how God operates in the world, and how to have a relationship with God, then it is indeed curious that these profoundly important concerns are taught in the context of stories about family conflict and sibling betrayal. There must be something spiritual about our otherwise mundane interpersonal conflicts at home.
When Jacob and Esau, after 20 years of estrangement, meet up again, Jacob finds himself wrestling with a mysterious being. At dawn, Jacob eventually wins the struggle, and the being, which turns out to be a divine messenger, gives him a new name, Israel.
Jacob's new name also becomes the name of the Jewish nation. According to the divine messenger, Jacob receives his new name because he has "striven with beings divine and human and prevailed" (Genesis 32:29).
One interpretation of this story suggests that winning a conflict is not so much about winning a fight with the other person but about conquering one's own weaknesses. Jacob became Israel not solely because of what happened that evening, but because over the previous 20 years he had transformed himself by successfully, dealing with a series of interpersonal challenges presented by Laban, his difficult uncle and father-in-law.
The spiritual meaning of conflict thus lies in its potential for self-transformation. As Martin Buber wrote in "The Way of Man": "Conflicts between oneself and others are nothing but the effects of conflict in one's own soul."
It has been written that the quality of loving kindness is the essence of being Jewish. Surprisingly, family conflicts and difficult people give us the best opportunity to cultivate this quality. It's easy to be nice when people are nice to us. What is not so easy is maintaining kindness in the midst of a conflict. When our sister or father or spouse does something hurtful to us, our obligation is to avoid creating more pain by paying attention to our own response.
Practically speaking, conflicts and negative feelings are inevitable in families. This is not because family members are necessarily bad or hurtful, but because people who live together so closely know so much about each other and sometimes can't help but get in each other's way. Unpleasant encounters are bound to happen in even the most caring families. The challenge is to learn how to heal difficulties quickly and lovingly when they arise. We need to learn how to consciously make daily choices that minimize hurt to those we care about by working on how we respond to conflicts.
Practically speaking, how do we do this? Here are some suggestions:
- Work on changing your initial response in a conflict by recognizing that you usually struggle more with your own feelings than you actually do with the other person. Family members are difficult not just because of what they do to you, but because you react so intensely. Try to pay attention to what is happening inside of you, in your body, and work on managing your emotional responses. This is more productive than loudly complaining about or to the other person.
- There is a time and place for having a conversation about difficulties with another family member. Jacob contacted Esau in advance. So should you. Set up a meeting specifically for the purpose of talking about the problem after your initial emotional response has passed. Avoid reacting in the moment when you are more likely to say something you'll regret.
- Be honest about your feelings and avoid accusatory language. For example, you could tell the other person, "When you do X, I feel Y." Don't give the other person an easy way to argue back by attacking verbally and generating defensiveness.
- Don't let resentments build. If a family member does something that bothers you, say so as soon as possible in a direct, honest and respectful way.
- Take responsibility for your own contribution to the problem. Conflicts are rarely one-sided. Being honest will encourage your family member to do the same.
- Gentle humor can lead to breakthroughs, especially when the conflict is over something trivial. Avoid sarcasm, name-calling and other negative forms of humor.
- When nothing else seems to be working, consider prayer. Pray for guidance, insight, serenity and healing. Jacob prayed before his encounter with Esau, and it seems to have had an effect. When they finally did meet, they reconciled and healed.
"Esau ran to greet him. He embraced him and, falling on his neck, he kissed him; and they wept" (Genesis 33:4).
Mark I. Rosen, Ph.D., is the author of "Thank You for Being Such a Pain: Spiritual Guidance for Dealing with Difficult People," published by Crown Books. This article first was published by Jewish Family & Life!, the online magazine at www.jewish family.com. It was redistributed to member newspapers by Jewish Telegraphic Agency.
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