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September 10, 1999/29 Elul 5759, Vol. 52, No. 1
Talking to your kids about sin and repentance is tougher than discussing apples and honey
SPECIAL SECTION: HOLIDAY FEATURES
Dipping apples in honey, blowing the shofar (ram's horn), gathering together as a family - these parts of the High Holidays appeal to most children. But to teach our children only about the customs surrounding Rosh Hashana is to give them just one part of the story. The more difficult aspect of the High Holiday message is the sin and repentance part.
"To me, Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur make a very important statement about us as human beings. They say that we can change into who we want to be, who we can be," says Rabbi Amy Scheinerman, a Reform rabbi with a part-time pulpit in Blacksburg, Va. "This is very hard work. So hard, in fact, that we have to stop everything else we are doing - work and school - to set aside the time."
Scheinerman says that the High Holidays provide a unique opportunity for children and adults to look inward and examine ourselves.
"The gem of the holiday is that it allows you to put a mirror in front of you; you look at yourself face to face and think about how you want to change," she explains. Scheinerman says that the value in attending services is that they provide a community setting in which everyone is engaged in the same process.
"The looking inward, and deciding to change is very hard work. It can be comforting and more effective if everyone else is doing the same thing."
Repentance comes when the person admits he has done something wrong, apologizes for the wrong, and changes the behavior to make the situation right. So, it isn't enough to simply ask for forgiveness. There must be a conscious change in the way the person behaves in order that the same mistake will not be repeated.
Teshuvah (repentance) occurs when the transgressor apologizes and makes an attempt to repair the situation.
"It is grounded in the notion that human relationships are crucial. How we relate to others says a great deal about the type of person we are," Scheinerman says.
An apology is not an apology unless we mean it and try to set things right. How many times have we demanded an apology from our kids, only to get a sullen "Sorry" in response? "We must do it and feel it if the process is to have an effect," Scheinerman explains.
The 10 days between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur provide an opportunity to work on these concepts as a family. Although very young children may not have a full understanding of the theological implications of the holiday, parents can begin by discussing concepts such as sharing, being kind to family and friends, and the notion that we all make mistakes.
We all have the opportunity to choose between right and wrong, and sometimes even adults make the wrong choice. The message of the High Holidays allows each of us to admit to our shortcomings. In so doing, we emerge refreshed, renewed and returned to the path of righteousness.
Here are 10 tips for teaching your kids about sin and repentance:
Know what you believe before embarking on a discussion with your kids.
Only tell your kids what you believe. If you believe that God is a process, rather than an all-powerful being, for example, don't tell the kids that God watches their every action. You might want to discuss different ways of interpreting God, in order to present alternatives, but be sure to say, "This is what I believe."
Don't give children any more information than they can handle, but at the same time, do not underestimate their capacity to grasp intangible concepts. "No human being is too young for introspection," says Scheinerman. "Even preschoolers can understand the idea of right and wrong. We begin to teach them the concepts inherent in the High Holiday message when we talk to them about how we treat others."
Take part in a tashlich service. Tashlich means casting, as in casting off sins. On the afternoon of the first day of Rosh Hashana, Jews traditionally gather by the nearest moving body of water. Families bring leftover bread, torn into crumbs, to toss into the water at the appropriate moment. The act of throwing the bread into the water symbolically allows us to cast away our sins, and they are borne away by the flowing water so that we can begin anew.
For an easy family tashlich activity, purchase some dissolving paper at a craft or magic store. As a family, write down things that each member - including the adults - wants to try to do better at in the coming year. Bring the papers with you to tashlich, and when the time comes to throw bread into the water, throw your papers into the water, and watch the "sins" dissolve. Even if there is no tashlich service in your community, you can go together as a family to a nearby stream or brook and make up your own service.
Observe the 10 days of repentance. The 10 days between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are the time during which we think about our relationships with each other, and with God. We make the effort to ask forgiveness from those we have wronged, and we resolve to try to do better in the coming year. Try to take some time on each of the days to do something Rosh Hashana- or Yom Kippur-related. A little piece of trivia: the American tradition of making New Year's resolutions on Jan. 1? Guess where it came from - Jewish tradition.
Try this family activity for the 10 days of repentance: Send "teshuvah grams" to each other - notes asking individual members of the family for forgiveness of specific acts. An example would be, "Dear Sarah, I'm sorry I listened in on a telephone conversation you were having with your friend. I respect your need for privacy, and I won't listen again when you are on the phone. Love, Mom."
Read some great Jewish books together. Scheinerman runs a terrific Web site with a wonderful, annotated Jewish book list. Two of her favorites for the season are "Yossl's Prayer" and "Even Higher." Check out the Web site at www.ezra.mts.jhu.edu/~rabbiars
Talk to your kids. You can begin the topic of sin and repentance by telling them something you did that you feel badly about. Admitting that you aren't perfect opens the door to allowing the child to own up to things about which he feels badly. These kinds of conversations will also set the precedent during the year for honest and open communication among members of the family.
Stay home from work, let the kids stay home from school, and go to services as a family. At the end of Yom Kippur, invite one or two other families to join you for a break-the-fast meal. You will create long lasting memories for your children, and for yourselves.
Ann Moline originally wrote this article for www.jewish family.com. It was distributed by Jewish Telegraphic Agency.
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