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September 10, 1999/29 Elul 5759, Vol. 52, No. 1
Mama's tips for skinny living
LEO LIEBERMAN
Jewish Times of South Jersey
I remember - oh how I remember - growing up believing that if I didn't finish every morsel on my plate, some cute little baby somewhere in China (or was it India?) would suddenly and mysteriously die of starvation.
I didn't question this belief. I accepted it knowing that Mama would never misrepresent (that's a nicer word than "lie"). And so I forced down all the carrots and all the spinach (the latter would give me muscles in addition to saving that Chinese tyke), and I drank all my milk (good for the bones and teeth).
And then one day I grew up and looked in the mirror and stepped on the scale. Could it be correct? I pulled in my belly and took a deep breath. The little hand on the dial did not budge. No, I shall not reveal the numbers.
And I soon learned that I was not alone with this problem. Inside of every fat fellow there's a skinny guy yearning to emerge. Or is it the other way around? Whatever. But today as I read all those articles written by the Cherubic Chef, the Galloping Gourmet and the Bucolic Baker, I feel certain that the internal skinnies haven't a chance. The world is filled with delicious chocolate fondues, scrumptious cream sauces, and lots of cafe mit schlag.
So here comes the problem: How can we defend ourselves against the horde of invading calories tempting us like a magazine centerfold, seducing us with honeyed (oy, more calories) words like, "Only a little. No one will know."
Then all too soon we complain that the new shirt is cut too small and the dungarees that used to be so comfortable were probably not sanforized and so shrank in the washing machine. And, oy vey, what happened to my knees? Only a few days ago, I could see them whenever I looked down toward my feet.
And so, dear reader, I have come up with some wisdom bequeathed to me by Mama. I have dug deep in the memory bank and here are five ways that Mama said we could make sure we would stay svelte and slender without resorting to Jane Fonda's daily stretches or contraptions like the counterpart to the "iron maiden" - the Stairmaster. (The very name sounds obscene.)
Eat only when standing up. Food consumed in this way contains very few calories, and those that remain descend quickly to the bottom of your feet and disappear.
Bread is a no-no. But if you crave a slice of bread, eat toast. Toast, you see, has no calories; they are all burned away in the toaster.
A large piece of chocolate cake of 500 calories will contain but a fraction of that amount if consumed at three or four sittings - or eatings. With food, unlike geometry, the whole is not at all equal to the sum of its parts.
Everyone knows that there is a direct correlation between weight and good humor, since somehow fat people laugh a lot and the skinnies are all solemn folk. So stop giggling and get serious. The pounds will roll away like water off a ... you get the idea.
And finally, THINK THIN. Keep your head up and your chins high - or is it your chins up and your head high? - and don't look down. Remember, if God had wanted us all to be slim, he wouldn't have created calories or scales.
Sounds easy? It's sure-fire. If you have any doubts, ask the cheerful chubbies who have lost 46 pounds over the past several years - and have put back 53. And, remember, when all else fails, you can always thump your tush against the door post for a count of 30 each day, and then, like Rosalind Russell, throw up your hands and give a geshry (yell), "The heck with it. Let it spread."
Professor Leo Lieberman writes a weekly column for the Jewish Times of South Jersey in Pleasantville, N.J.
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