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Sorry, but we're closed

RABBI BOB ALPER
'A Rabbi Confesses'

1. The office will be closed on all major Jewish holidays, all minor Jewish holidays, and all really, really minor Jewish holidays.
   
   
2. The office will close at 2 p.m. on days preceding all major Jewish holidays, all minor Jewish holidays, and all really, really minor Jewish holidays. In the event that a major, minor, or really, really minor Jewish holiday falls on a Sunday or Monday, the office will close at 1 p.m. on the preceding Friday.
   
   
3. The office will remain closed during the intermediate days of Passover, unless the executive director is able to prevail upon our current vendor to remove the Twinkies from the snack machine for the duration of that week.
   
   
4. The office will be closed on all national holidays except Halloween. However, on the afternoon preceding Halloween, the office will close at 3:30 p.m. to enable employees to return to their homes and prepare.
   
   
5. The office will be closed on Sundays and on all other Christian holidays, as well as "Easter Monday," "Christmas Monday," and any other Mondays following a weekend festival, out of respect for our non-Jewish office staff.
   
   
6. The office will be closed on the Eastern Orthodox Christmas, which occurs in early January, out of love and affection for our dedicated bookkeeper, Juliana Golligopolous.
   
   
7. The office will remain open during the month of Ramadan. However, in anticipation of the possibility of adding Muslim staff, the office will close at 3 p.m. each day of Ramadan, to sensitize current staff and enable any future Muslim employees to arrive at their homes in a timely fashion and enjoy an early conclusion to the daily fast.
   
   
8. In abiding admiration for the world-class athletes who are in the process of bringing Roller Derby to Israel, the office will be closed on the holidays of Higan-e, Divali, Kwanza, Laylat ul-Qadr, and the birthdays of Guru Nanaki, Baha'u'llah, and Buddha.