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April 16, 1999/30 Nisan 5759, Vol. 51, No. 29
Children often live up to expectations
NANCY P. BRODY, PH.D.
Special to Jewish News
"I'll never be able to trust you again."
This pronouncement is too often made by a parent after an adolescent commits one of a variety of misbehaviors of varying degrees of severity. The adolescent may have been caught committing a serious offense, such as shoplifting; a more moderate offense, such as leaving the house although he/she was grounded; or a relatively minor offense, such as not really completing a research paper, even though parents had been assured it had been done.
As bad as some of these misbehaviors may be, do any of them warrant never trusting their adolescent children again? After all, if adolescents really believed that they would never be trusted again no matter what, they might rightly conclude it was pointless for them to even try to do the right thing in the future.
"It's going to be hard to trust you again" may be a better thing to say to adolescents in the above situations. Then the parents and children can work together to decide what has to happen for trust to be reestablished. Some good will come from the misbehavior as the children will work to re-earn their parents' trust.
Research supports the reality of the self-fulfilling prophecy, as least as it pertains to children's behavior. A child who is expected to do well is more likely to do so than a child who is expected to fail.
Therefore, when an adolescent who rarely gets into trouble misbehaves, it probably would be best for the parents to voice surprise that the adolescent betrayed their trust - and express their belief that the misbehavior must represent a temporary lapse in judgment that the parents are confident will not happen again.
Adolescents who continually get into trouble often are acting out because of difficulties in their families and/or feelings of low self-worth.
Some parents complain they are tired of hearing about the importance of self-esteem in young people, but it is a legitimate issue about which all parents need to be aware.
Just because parents do not understand why their children feel bad about themselves does not change the reality of how the children feel. Some adolescents who keep getting into trouble truly believe, "I'm just a big screw up. Nothing I do ever works out. I'm a complete failure." Some parents actually repeatedly tell their children they are failures, which only reinforces the children's negative view of themselves.
Even though they may try hard not to let parents and others know it, adolescents often are ashamed of their misbehaviors and feel bad enough about them without being constantly told how terrible their behavior was. Once the misbehavior is dealt with, that should be it. Past misbehaviors do not need to be listed each time the adolescent does something wrong in the future. Enumerating past misbehaviors only further lowers self-esteem.
Adolescents most need their parents' support and love when they get into trouble.
This does not mean parents should condone misbehavior, but if adolescents feel rejected by their families, they likely will turn to friends to find the acceptance they need. Those young people who already lack self-esteem probably will choose friends of whom their parents disapprove.
Parents sometimes forget that adolescents are children and they are still learning. They are trying to figure out who they are and what they want their roles in life to be. As with all learning, mistakes will be made.
Nancy P. Brody, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist with offices in Scottsdale. She welcomes your questions and comments c/o Jewish News, 1625 E. Northern Ave. #106, Phoenix 85020, or e-mail at jngphx@jewishaz.com.
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