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March 12, 1999/24 Adar 5759, Vol. 51, No. 24
Share secrets in appropriate context
NANCY P. BRODY, PH.D.
Special to Jewish News
I recently received a question, via the Jewish News, about the column I wrote that appeared in this newspaper on Jan. 22. I had suggested in that column that family secrets often cause great distress when they are revealed.
The reader wrote that both she and her husband had been married briefly prior to their marriage to each other. She explained that they now have preschool-age children, and that although she and her husband do not want to keep their short-lived marriages secret from their children, she did not want to upset them with this information. On the other hand, she feared that if they waited until the children were older, they might be even more disturbed by the information.
The reader asked when and how they should tell their children about their prior marriages.
In my opinion, the less importance the parents place on their prior marriages, the less importance the children will give them. This is not a time for this woman and her husband to sit their children down and say, "Mommy and Daddy have something important to tell you." Rather, this sort of information should be presented casually, in a matter-of-fact kind of way, any time the opportunity presents itself.
If, for example, the child mentions that a friend's parents are getting divorced, the mother could say something like, "Getting divorced is hard, but I'm sure glad I got divorced. Then I was able to meet Daddy and fall in love with him." Or, driving along in the car, Dad might make a comment such as, "I used to live in this neighborhood when I was married to Sue."
Pre-school age is probably a good time to drop such comments into conversation because a 3-year-old will absorb the information but let it pass. Seven-year-olds might ask a few questions. If your children ask questions, most of them should be answered directly, and as briefly as possible, although it is acceptable to say that some things are too personal to discuss with children, or that the children are too young to discuss certain subjects. But children should not feel that they have stumbled into a taboo topic.
A parent's illness is another issue that some are concerned about discussing with their children. I have gotten calls from people who have been diagnosed with a serious illness and want to know if they should tell their children about the diagnosis.
Children do not need to be told when there is a possibility of a parent being sick, but they should be informed once the diagnosis is actually made. What they should be told depends on their age. Very young children just need to be told that Mommy or Daddy is sick, but older children might take comfort in hearing what is being done to cure the illness and/or make the parent feel better.
If children ask if their parent is going to get better, they should be told that you hope so, and that everyone is doing whatever they can to help the parent get better. Older children can be told the probability of recovery.
There is no point in pretending everything will be alright if the child may instead have to deal with the parent's death. I heard about a young, single mother who was diagnosed with cancer and was told she had about six months to live. The woman's 5-year-old child was reassured by her mother and her grandparents that if she prayed hard enough, Mommy would get better and would not die.
This probably caused significant harm to this child. By denying the child the right to know the truth, the child may not only feel it is her fault her mother died because she did not pray enough, and she also may distrust anything her family members tell her in the future. The child's perception of her mother and of God may also have been damaged. At the very least, the mother and child never got to say good-bye to each other.
We all would like to shield our children from unpleasantness, but sometimes by doing so, we make their lives even more unpleasant.
Nancy Brody, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist with offices in Scottsdale. She welcomes your questions and comments sent to her c/o the Jewish News, 1625 E. Northern Ave. #106, Phoenix, AZ 85020.
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