Surviving - and thriving

Author offers ways to build new life after loss of spouse

LOU HIRSH
Contributing Editor

Gil Blum

I never expected to be a widower," writes Scottsdale author Gil Blum in his recently released book. "I had read all the reports about men dying first, and fully expected to be one of those statistics. I was completely unprepared for this sudden tragedy."

In 1992, the retired dentist's wife of 38 years, Mickey, died of liver cancer at age 64. In his nearly year-long quest to recover from the loss, Blum found solace in the words of friends, and in bereavement counseling offered by organizations such as Hospice of the Valley.

But Blum, who considers himself self-sufficient, still found it hard to obtain good advice on the part that comes after grieving is over - when it's time to start building a new life after many years devoted to one person. Conversations with others - widows and widowers - revealed that they, too, were having difficulty finding literature on the subject.

This perceived need prompted the 74-year-old Blum to write "Life is For the Living - Recovering and Rebuilding after Spousal Loss" ($12.95 paperback, Timed Resources Inc.). In this book, Blum recounts his own experiences and presents stories of others. He says he hopes the book will help people not only survive the ordeal of losing a spouse, but move on successfully to a life with a new partner.

"It's not like a bell goes off one day and suddenly you're ready to move on," Blum told Jewish News recently. "It can take eight months, a year, two years, but eventually you survive and can have a life again."

"The early stages are the toughest," he notes. "Guilt and loneliness are the biggest things you have to deal with."

In large part, the length of the transition is affected by how dependent the surviving spouse was on the other - not just psychologically, but also for basic home-care functions and chores, such as cooking and cleaning.

"Fortunately, I knew how to do laundry and prepare a simple meal, so I was able to get by," says Blum. "A lot of people find they can't do anything, and wind up looking for a housekeeper instead of a real partner in life. That's a big mistake."

To clear the way to a fresh life with a new partner, Blum has found these to be among the crucial steps:

Get rid of guilt and self-pity. Many people fail to move on because they feel they didn't do enough to ease their spouse's suffering before death, the author notes.
Use your free time constructively. Travel, take adult-education courses, join clubs and activity groups. These provide opportunities for enjoyment and open up opportunities for relationships with people who have similar interests.
Look for people who share not only interests, but also your pace of life. "You need to find someone who has the same 'fatigue level' as you do," says Blum. "There's nothing wrong with taking a nap for a half-hour every day, but some people have a problem with that."
Make sure financial issues are delineated early in the new relationship. Agree on what property or financial accounts will be shared, kept separate, or left to the surviving partner when the other dies.

The process is about more than assuaging pain and loneliness. Blum's book addresses subjects including dealing with the aging process, getting back into the dating scene (with tongue-in-cheek recommendations for behavior on dates), and issues such as religious differences, conflicts with adult children and deciding whether to live together outside of marriage.

Blum also throws in a little social advocacy on behalf of the people in his age group.

"It is now the appropriate time to give up the politically correct label for 'senior citizens' to a more respectable and honorable reference," the author writes. "Hear Ye! Hear Ye! By all powers vested in me by my peers, I hereby declare all 'senior citizens' to be known henceforth as 'Chronologically Gifted Citizens' (CGC). That's right, chronologically gifted, not chronologically challenged."

Having the right attitude is a big key to surviving the loss of a spouse, particularly late in life, Blum contends.

The happy endings he presents include his own: Blum is now in a continuing relationship with Blanche Dyer, a widow who he says has similar interests and an outlook on life similar to his own. Both have found contentment with the new life they're building together, he says.

"There are things in this relationship that weren't in my marriage, and vice versa. She finds it to be the same way." says Blum. "We've found ways to get along quite nicely."

Gil Blum's book is available at area book stores or on the Internet at Amazon.com. Copies of the book can also be obtained directly from the publisher, Scottsdale-based Timed Resources Inc. Call 483-2100 for more information.

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