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January 29, 1999/12 Shevat 5759, Vol. 51, No. 18
Planning meaningful ceremony important part of creating memorable wedding day
SPECIAL SECTION
WONDERFUL WEDDING
KATHERINE ECKSTEIN
News Intern
Rabbi Chaim Silver describes marriage as "the union of two people who are committed to creating a new entity ... that has to come above and beyond everything else."
A couple's wedding day marks a new beginning in life, and it is important to treat this day with the holiness that it demands, says Silver, rabbi of the Orthodox congregation Young Israel in Phoenix.
Margot and Lloyd Hummel agree that their wedding day was the "most incredible and important day" of their lives. Marcy Lewis describes the night of her wedding to her husband, Rand, as "magical." Rhonda Mason remembers her wedding to David Rafsky as a "very spiritual and moving experience."
Although each couple recalls their entire wedding day fondly, they all emphasize that the actual wedding ceremony was particularly meaningful.
What makes for a meaningful wedding ceremony? Is it the traditions observed? The people included? The location? The music?
Faith, traditions and heritage are key, says Karen Cohen of Karen Cohen Consulting: "It's the heart and soul that makes a ceremony."
Rabbi Bonnie Koppell of Conservative Temple Beth Shalom in Mesa suggests that - although "certain aspects of the ceremony are necessary, (such as) the reading of the ketubah (marriage contract), the exchange of rings and the sheva brachot (seven blessings)" - a couple's effort to personalize the wedding ceremony, by choosing which Jewish traditions to include, is important.
"I think it's important to learn about the traditional Jewish wedding ceremony and about the various traditions and then personalize it," adds Reform Rabbi Andrew Straus of Temple Emanuel in Tempe.
Thus, for Rhonda Mason, a psychotherapist, and David Rafsky, director of sales at Toshiba Communications, their wedding ceremony in 1994 was a culmination of much thought and reflection.
"I think it's really important that people really enjoy the process of thinking about and enjoying the wedding so that it's reflective of their values," says Mason.
Working with Rabbi Ayla Grafstein of Renewal Congregation Ruach Hamidbar-Spirit of the Desert, Mason and Rafsky included traditions that were meaningful to them.
Grafstein helped the couple write their own ketubah. "It was a very instructive part of the whole process. ... It was an opportunity to really think about what were the things that we both agreed upon about the character and nature of the vows and our relationship," Mason says.
Mason and Rafsky's chuppah (wedding canopy) also was personalized. Mason had an artist paint a design she created onto the rayon fabric. Both the ketubah and chuppah now hang in the couple's bedroom as reminders of their special day. The couple grew up in Phoenix and now live in San Diego.
To Margot and Lloyd Hummel, who were married in November 1998, designing a inclusive, but traditional, ceremony was very important.
"We wanted everyone to feel like they were a part of the celebration, not like they were coming to watch us," says Lloyd, who is part-owner of a record store.
Margot, a catering manager for Gardiner's Resort, adds that though they wanted a traditional Jewish ceremony, "We wanted all the guests to understand the ceremony, because not everyone there was Jewish."
Rabbi Charles Herring of Reform Temple Kol Ami in Scottsdale, the couple's childhood rabbi, performed the ceremony. Some of the traditions the couple included in their ceremony were wrapping themselves in a tallis (prayer shawl), drinking from a kiddush cup together, and saying their vows in Hebrew.
The Hummels wrote a program that was given to each guest to explain the traditions to those who would be unfamiliar with them, and to thank everyone for being with them on their wedding day.
Marcy and Rand Lewis were married in October 1998. Marcy, who is a teacher at Gan Yaladeem: The Looking Glass School, describes their ceremony as a "time for people to share."
Also married by Rabbi Herring, Marcy emphasizes that it was important to her and Rand to be traditional.
"We actually had Rand's tallis from his bar mitzvah wrapped around us (during the ceremony), and the rabbi blessed us.
"We used my kiddush cup from when I was a baby and from my bat mitzvah, and we used my family havdalah candle."
Marcy adds that a very important part of the ceremony was the inclusion of loved ones. In addition to honoring loved ones as bridesmaids or groomsmen, she and Rand chose important people to be witnesses to their ketubah signing.
Margot and Lloyd Hummel each had six people standing up for them. Though they did not plan on having a large wedding party, it became important to honor people from the different stages of their lives.
Lloyd says, "It worked out just right. It made the whole day more fun and everybody got along."
Rhonda Mason says that she and her husband included important people in their ceremony by giving certain people the honor of reciting the sheva brachot, as well as having some join them under the chuppah at the conclusion of the ceremony.
Mason says that the location of the ceremony was particularly conducive to an inclusive atmosphere. Held at sunset at the restaurant A Different Pointe of View, which features a 180-degree view of the Phoenix area, Mason and Rafsky were married on a stage that acted as a bimah, with chairs surrounding the stage.
"It was important to me that we were surrounded by the people we invited," says Mason.
Consultant Karen Cohen says details such as location and the choice of music can accent the love the couple shares. She views it as the job of clergy, family and consultant to help each couple realize their dream of what their wedding should be.
"Being able to celebrate a wedding with a couple and spending time with them before it, helping them plan, is one of the best things about being a rabbi," says Rabbi Straus.
Location was important to the Lewises, who were married at Gainey Ranch Golf Club.
"Rand is a big golfer, and it was always his dream to get married on a golf course ... and we wanted an outside wedding," explains Marcy.
She and Rand had a night wedding with an autumn theme because they both love the fall. Their chuppah was made of "grapevines and honeysuckle, pumpkins and gourds, (with) flowers through it."
An outdoor wedding was what the Hummels always envisioned for themselves. They had a late afternoon wedding in the Arizona Biltmore gardens, with roses and rose petals decorating the aisle. A quartet serenaded the wedding party.
The Hummels emphasize that, unlike the preparation for the rest of the wedding day, which was done mostly by the bride, it was very important to plan the ceremony together.
Marcy Lewis echoes that her husband, Rand, who coordinates before- and after-school programs, was very involved with the preparation of the ceremony, but was not all that involved in the planning of the reception that followed.
Rhonda Mason describes the planning of the ceremony as "a very conscious process. It's not just about the main entree for the dinner (at the reception). If you feel sure about the process and who you're marrying, I think it can be a very transformative experience."
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