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December 11, 1998/ 22 Kislev 5759, Vol. 51, No. 12
Treating children equally isn't always fair
NANCY P. BRODY, PH.D.
Special to Jewish News
When the session ended, I put my sticker box on the table and told Ricky he could choose one to take home. He selected a large Diamondbacks sticker that had been given out at a baseball game as a radio station promotion. His mother voiced concern that Ricky's younger brother might be upset if only Ricky came home with a sticker, and she asked if she could take another one home to her younger son.
Although I must have had at least ten more of those same stickers, I apologized and explained the stickers were given to children who were cooperative in our sessions together, and since the younger brother wasn't at the session, I could not send him home a sticker. I hope Ricky's mother understood that giving his little brother a sticker would have devalued the reward Ricky earned.
Not surprisingly, one of the problems Ricky's mother presented was that Ricky was overly aware of everything his brother received, and he was forever complaining that his brother got more attention, presents, etc. Ricky's parents were intent on making everything equal, which, of course, is impossible. But they frequently told their children everything was equal. No wonder Ricky was pointing out the discrepancies. Ricky's parents needed to learn there is a difference between making things equal and making things fair.
Although Ricky is a little more than three years older than his brother, he and his brother did everything alike. One way to end the constant striving for equality was to recognize the differences between a 5-year-old and an 8-year-old when setting limits and rules.
Ricky's mother was reminded there were many things Ricky was old enough to do that his younger brother was not. For example, Ricky could join organizations that his brother was too young to join and could enroll in classes for which his brother was also too young. Even if their mother wanted her younger son to be able to do these activities, he could not, and Ricky should not be deprived of them in the interest of "equality."
Both boys even had the same bedtime, and as soon as they started to realize older children get to do things younger children can not do, their parents were strongly encouraged to allow Ricky to stay up at least 30 minutes later than his younger brother.
On the opposite extreme of Ricky and his parents, who believed everything was supposed to be equal, are parents and grandparents who obviously favor one child over others. Parents may blame one child for all their children's squabbles, when rarely is anything ever just one child's fault. Too often parents blame the older child, saying no matter who really started the fight, the older child should have known better. Parents should assess their own behavior to be sure they are not intentionally or unintentionally favoring one child.
Sometimes grandparents are the ones to play favorites and allow only the favored child to sleep over, or continually give that child much better gifts than they give the other grandchildren.
Parents should explain to the grandparents the possible harm their preferential treatment may cause and should strongly encourage a change in their behavior.
When children bring the grandparents' favoritism up, parents should not deny its existence. It is better to acknowledge the unfairness of the situation and validate the children's feelings.
Favoring one child over the others potentially sets children up to be competitive with each other and to dislike each other. Some sibling rivalry is related to the different ways parents and grandparents treat the children.
Nancy Brody, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist with offices in Scottsdale.
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