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November 13, 1998/ 24 Cheshvan 5759, Vol. 51, No. 8
Daughter's first boyfriend means new parental crisis
YOSEF ABRAMOWITZ
Special to Jewish News
My daughter Aliza came home from school and, in a voice testing my reaction, announced she had a boyfriend. Aliza is 5-and-a-half.
This is not the first time Aliza has declared a special relationship with another child. But the language was new and more serious. When she was 3, Aliza said that she was going to marry Ivan, a boy her junior and an important Jewish playmate. But Ivan's star has faded because he sleeps with the light on. So Aliza realized that despite her friendship with Ivan, he is not a suitable mate.
Next came Nadav, a classmate from preschool who she now unfortunately doesn't get to see that often because they have since graduated to different kindergartens. But, alas, Nadav, too has his faults. Aliza found out that Nadav eats meat. For a long time Aliza remained faithful, but now another has caught her eye.
These days Aliza is speaking about a boyfriend. Something about the word "boyfriend" signals to me that Aliza's social landscape is evolving and so must my reactions. So I slipped into Jewish fatherly role and began, for the first time, to ask certain questions.
"Is he Jewish?"
"Yes."
"Does he smoke?"
"Abba, kids don't smoke!"
"Is he a vegetarian?"
"Abba, sometimes he's a vegetarian. He threw out his turkey sandwich today.
"He always wants to be near me, and during nap time, he sleeps on the mat next to mine."
Hallel, our 3-and-a-half year-old daughter, has been "engaged" for the past two years to her (female) soul mate from pre-school. They have a very intense relationship and often passionately declare their love for each other with, "You're mine forever!"
I wonder how much of this bonding that my daughters are involved in is mimicking their parents, responding to endless replays of Cinderella, or just a normal human instinct. But while Hallel is still "playing family" with kids, Aliza has outgrown this stage and is feeling her way as an individual in relation to another individual.
I have to reluctantly admit that I'm surprised at my first thoughts. I have met this young man. While I am sure he is good and kind, he doesn't strike me as soulful enough for my spiritually-inclined daughter. Aliza, is, after all, the daughter of a rabbi. So I've learned something about myself, which is that I want my kids to find other kids who ask and talk about God.
Sure, this young lad flawlessly recited the blessing over the bread when he stayed over one night. But is he going to sit still during services, encourage Aliza to study Torah, and live out a commitment to social justice that I haven't yet seen evidence of? Does he use kind words and protect Aliza from bullies, and would he tickle her back at nap time if she asked? No, this boy, is not ready to be MY Aliza's boyfriend because, well, her father is not ready.
I miss Ivan and Nadav, sons of a rabbi and an Israeli emissary, respectively. I didn't feel threatened by them since they enhanced and reinforced identity issues that I care about.
Up until now, I felt my wife and I had a near-universal say on Aliza's life and even her major preferences. And we still do. But now that she's in kindergarten, she also has taken another major step on her road to greater independence. She has insisted on taking the school bus every day, "like the big kids," rather than have her parents twice daily glimpse and assess her new world at drop-off and pick-up times.
I would not be even writing this column if Aliza's preference for school buses and Mr. Romeo came at different times. But the double whammy has me wondering and worrying what will be the next transitional step Aliza takes away from her mother and me.
Of course I am over-reacting, since Aliza is still only in kindergarten. But one day she really will have a romantic relationship and her own means of transportation. So I should view the recent events as reminders that if I want Aliza to date a Jewish, non-smoking vegetarian, I should start reinforcing these values now while she is still my little girl.
Yosef Abramowitz's new book, "Beyond Scandal: The Parents' Guide to Sex, Lies & Leadership," is available on all on-line bookstores.
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