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Take time to speak with kids about presidential scandal
YOSEF ABRAMOWITZ
Special to Jewish News
Aliza, our 4-year-old, wrapped herself in a blanket and snuck downstairs to where the grown-ups were watching the "State of the Union" address. She hesitantly walked in, knowing it was past her bedtime, and looked up at the television. Then she turned to us and asked, "Did the president tell the truth yet?"
Somehow, with the inescapable media coverage of the Monica Lewinsky and Paula Jones stories, even our pre-schooler questioned the integrity of the president. I am actually delighted that she is beginning to see that role models are not perfect.
My wife and I are raising our daughters to challenge authority when necessary - and they certainly seem prone to do so! I consider this inclination a blessing, as long as the motivating spirit is positive and the parameters defined. (Shortly before her fourth birthday, Aliza addressed her first political rally - protesting cuts to federal aid for immigrants. "Old, poor people should have food," she told the crowd of thousands.) But I don't want my children to grow up cynical of leaders or innately distrustful of government. (Actually, Aliza informed me after the Paula Jones suit was dismissed that the president was telling the truth after all. I was placed in the awkward position of saying that we don't know yet.)
Although alleged presidential infidelities are not a new phenomenon, the presidency of Bill Clinton has inaugurated a new era of speculation. Our media-barraged children have been hearing, seeing, and reading reports in our leading press that involve complex ethical issues. As parents we must be able to draw out the competing, overlapping and confusing issues and address them clearly and appropriately. Many of the issues our children see in the media around this current scandal are ones that they deal with in their own lives: friendship vs. betrayal, truth vs. falsehood, private vs. public, personal agendas vs. communal good, gossip vs. speaking out, forgiveness, ethical nuances of truth-telling, power, love, fidelity.
I was giving a lecture on moral parenting when the scandal broke. A member of the clergy in the audience raised his hand and said: "My son, who is in fourth grade, heard about the story on the radio when we were driving home from school. He looked right at me and asked, 'Dad, what is oral sex?' I didn't even know where to begin."
It's hard to know where to begin. Our kids have witnessed our chief role model slip out of an uncomfortable situation with a strategy of cool denials, which they do not see as entirely truthful. Then they saw him humiliated before a tantalized nation. Our children have seen friends betray each other and secretly tape private conversations. They have seen partisan politics at its most base and vile and self-serving. In all this political spin and frenzy, they have seen the ethics of truth-telling presented as black and white as opposed to complex and nuanced. (There are times when I would be proud of my children for twisting facts or outright lying, if it helped affirm human dignity in fragile circumstances.)
In fact, they have seen everything presented as black or white (albeit in conflicting versions). Real thought, analysis and careful application of values to issues is tossed aside for the political and entertainment-oriented sound bite.
Often, our inclination as parents is to build a wall between our children and the unsavory aspects of our society. This strategy is unrealistic - and it misses an important teaching opportunity. After all, our job as parents is to help our children develop their intellectual, emotional, creative, spiritual and ethical resources. One of the ways in which we do this is by exercising the analytical skills that strengthen, deepen, and broaden those resources on which they will draw throughout their lives. We can learn from each and every news story - every world event. Indeed, by helping our children wrestle with the implications of anything, we empower them to live a values-based life.
We also must teach our children about forgiveness. In Judaism, we perform tashlich, symbolically tossing our sins (in the form of bread crumbs) into a river or creek. This ceremony, traditionally done on Rosh Hashana, allows Jews to clear themselves of guilt from unabsolved sins. Performing tashlich as a family ritual teaches children that all people do bad things, must repent, and will be forgiven.
So, because we now know that the president indeed did lie, and our chief role model admitted to mistakes and to misleading his country, it is important to talk with our children about all the issues surrounding the scandal. Make a date to sit and contextualize the scandal with your kids, no matter what their age. Failure to do so causes children to internalize everything they hear, read, and witness in the media. Ask them what they've heard and listen to their questions. With older children, be prepared to discuss the details of the Lewinsky scandal. With younger kids, answer their questions and address the issues of lying and forgiveness.
If you don't take the initiative, the vacuum might be filled by others whose values you may not share.
Yosef Abramowitz's new book, "Beyond Scandal: The Parents' Guide to Sex, Lies & Leadership," is available at all on-line bookstores.
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