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Deal with problems when they surface
NANCY P. BRODY, PH.D.
Special to Jewish News
Instead of cherishing the few nights each week when the whole family is able to eat dinner together, Jenny and Mike's parents dread these nights - Jenny and Mike never stop bickering; Dad yells; Mom gets a headache; and often, even before dessert, the children are sent to their rooms.
Most parents have some experience with such sorts of behavior problems. If situations like that happen only once in a while, parents are probably dealing with them at least reasonably well. But if they occur frequently, on a daily or weekly basis, the parents probably need to learn better ways of parenting, and the children need to learn better ways of behaving.
Parents do not have to reinvent the wheel; they can ask those who work with children on a daily basis for help with behavior problems. Pediatricians can be good resources. The school psychologist or school counselor may be even better able to provide helpful suggestions - at no cost. If the problems continue, it would be a good idea to schedule an appointment with a psychotherapist who works with children and families.
Twelve-year-old Lisa cries easily and is quick to lose her temper. She refuses to go to the dance classes she used to love, and she has quit doing her homework. Her parents hear her making up excuses to get out of doing things with her friends. When she is home, she usually can be found alone in her room. She goes to bed early, and she picks at her dinner, saying she is not hungry.
Lisa's parents may want to shrug off her behavior as typical of 12-year-old girls, but although some of it is, Lisa also is showing signs of depression. Depression in children is a syndrome marked by several symptoms, and for some children, anger or the inability to enjoy activities they used to enjoy, not sadness, is the primary symptom.
Parents should be as cautious with their children's mental health as they are with their physical health, and if children exhibit symptoms of emotional problems, they should be evaluated by a mental health professional.
Even young children can worry about such things as not passing a test, not being chosen as a partner for a game at recess, or not getting on the correct school bus at the end of the day. Some children worry about what Mom and the new baby will do while they're at school, or if Mommy and Daddy are going to fight again tonight like they did last night.
Whatever the cause, children's fears and worries should be dealt with, never minimized or discounted. Sometimes children do not know what they are worried about, but no matter the cause, telling them to stop worrying is usually futile. Working with children to come up with strategies for dealing with fears and concerns is helpful.
Whenever a child gets frequent headaches or stomachaches that do not seem to have a physical explanation, the possibility of an emotional trigger should be explored. Children do suffer with stress and may be helped by learning stress-reduction techniques.
Children need to learn to recognize feelings and understand that everyone has them. It is the inappropriate expression of feelings that gets people into trouble. Many children and many adults need to learn appropriate ways of expressing their feelings.
Anger is the feeling with which children seem to have the most trouble. They must learn that everyone gets angry, but it is not OK to hit, kick or bite those with whom they are angry. Alternative ways of expressing anger need to be learned and substituted.
Those who seem angry most of the time should be evaluated by a mental health professional. Any ongoing behavioral or emotional problem that causes children or their families pain is reason to seek professional help.
Nancy P. Brody, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Scottsdale.
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