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My father, the rabbi
Children and dads reflect on family life in limelight of
synagogue leadership
LENI REISS
Senior Contributing Editor
Children of rabbis, and rabbis themselves, readily acknowledge the challenges inherent in growing up in a household in which, for example, the parent is on constant call to the congregational family - sometimes to the detriment of the immediate family.
With Father's Day coming up on Sunday, June 21, Jewish News asked the children of several Valley rabbis, along with their fathers, to share thoughts on family, time management, coping with congregational expectations - and more. Members of the younger generation spoke of their fathers with love, humor and respect - and the same sentiments were reflected in comments by these dads about their kids.
The Herrings
Wendy Bernstein, the second of three daughters of Barbara and Rabbi Charles Herring of Temple Kol Ami, credits her folks with "making us a nice, normal family." Throughout her "growing up years," she says, "I thought, and I still do think, that my dad is the coolest and most wonderful."
Bernstein, a staff assistant at Jewish Federation of Greater Phoenix, recalls a childhood during which she and her sisters had to miss some Friday night school football games and dances, "but it was all right because a lot of friends were at services too - and the truth is, we were more involved in the Jewish community than the secular community."
Bernstein says the trio - her older sister Laura is now married and living in Columbus, Ohio, and her younger sister Debbie is married and living in Los Angeles - took in stride the high expectations others may have had of them in religious school and at their bat mitzvah ceremonies.
What is most important to her, Bernstein says, is that so much of what she has experienced within a Jewish context she has shared with her father. "My dad has been a part of everything Jewish in my life: my bat mitzvah, consecration (introduction to Jewish education, at which a 'miniature Torah' often is presented), wedding, my son's bris."
Rabbi Herring says he and his wife, Barbara, "have talked a lot through the years about how lucky we were that I was able to spend a lot of time with our children. One reason is that I was the assistant rabbi (to Rabbi Albert Plotkin at Temple Beth Israel) and one of my functions was to work with the youth groups."
"It was a critical time for me," he notes, "because if I wasn't liked (by the children's peers), I think the girls would have suffered."
He recalls a "wonderful incident" during a SWIFTY (Southwest Federation of Temple Youth) weekend when, in a darkened room, seniors passed a candle and shared thoughts. "The candle came to Laura, and she said, 'I don't know if my dad is in the room, but if he is, I want to thank him for being my rabbi, not just my dad.' "
Rabbi Herring says he and his wife determined early on that the family would have dinner together every night, "even if it meant grabbing a bite before I had to head out for a meeting."
He says he used to try to attend all congregational bar and bat mitzvah receptions, "but often that meant that the kids would be home alone. Laura was the one who pointed out that Shabbat is meant for family, so the time came when I wrote a letter to our congregants explaining that our first obligation is to family."
Of his daughters, Herring says, "They all are Jewish-focused and synagogue involved. We truly are blessed."
The Bismans
Rabbi Mark Bisman of Har Zion Congregation acknowledges that his children, Sarah and Aaron, "generally experienced the 'you always have time for other people' syndrome in their early years."
Now age 20, Sarah Bisman recalls feeling "jealous" about the attention her dad paid to congregants, but says in retrospect, "I can't imagine him being any different. He's such a good rabbi. He cares so much about his congregants, and the feeling is mutual."
Sarah says that she is "proud to be Jewish," and, although she "isn't particularly observant at this point," she and her father nonetheless can stay up until 3 a.m. and have "grand theological discussions."
Aaron Bisman, 18, echoes his sibling's sentiments: "My dad works 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Sometimes, when we were younger, it seemed as though we didn't see him 'til Shabbos, but at least that was a special time."
Aaron says his father never pressured him, but he feels there was pressure and high expectations from congregants and others because he was a rabbi's son. He gives particular credit to his parents for supporting his participation in United Synagogue Youth and Camp Ramah.
"As a kid, I have to say I enjoyed the idea of my dad being a rabbi," Aaron says. "As I've grown older, though, it's really just our way of life." His conclusion: "Actually, I think it's made me more independent and self-sufficient, because my mom (Scottsdale City Attorney Freda Bisman) also works."
Rabbi Bisman concurs with some regret that "sometimes family didn't come first." He remembers instances such as "a picnic in the cemetery," when the Bismans squeezed in some family time following services at which he presided. But he also notes that his children enjoyed the attention and affection of a "congregation of grandparents."
The Bells
While Jared Bell, 14, the second son of Rabbi Maynard Bell of Temple Solel, describes his life as "pretty regular," he finds that "Some of my teachers - not my peers - kind of expect me to know more - and I don't."
He adds, "Lots of people know me - and I have no idea who they are!"
Jared says he doesn't feel cheated about sharing his father with the congregation. "That's his job."
At this point Jared says he "definitely is not interested" in following in his father's professional footsteps. "I like music," he says. "I like to improvise on my keyboard."
Maynard Bell says he has tried to shelter Jared and 17-year-old Michael from the public eye and tried not to put them under any undue pressure as a rabbi's sons.
"There is a part of me, though, that would like my priorities to impact upon them more than they do. They are respectful of my work and have Jewish self-esteem, but in a deep, visceral way, their Judaism is not as central to their lives as mine is to me," says the rabbi.
Bell suggests that the fact that he and the boys' mother were divorced "and there was a split in the home" did have an impact, but he is quick to add that his ex-wife is Jewish "and respectful of the rhythms of Jewish life and her role as a Jewish mother."
"If I had it to do over," he muses, "I might have placed more demands regarding observance, but I chose not to try to make them live in my image - and they certainly do me proud under any circumstances."
The Segels
Temple Beth Israel's spiritual leader, Rabbi Kenneth Segel, is another proud dad.
Daughter Bree, an only child and recent law school graduate who presently is studying for the California Bar exam, "seemed to thrive on the focus and attention of the congregation," Segel says.
"Sandra and Bree and I are a small family," the rabbi says of his wife and daughter, "and our congregations have filled a void for us and added luster, especially at rites-of-passage events."
Segel notes that Bree has taught Hebrew school classes and participated throughout the years in numerous Jewish activities with "no trauma, no rebellion."
He says he has discussed with colleagues the fact that "some kids are turned off" by a father's absence at home and at school events. In his own case, he recalls a dance recital and a dramatics presentation he couldn't get to.
"It's especially tough when you know that other fathers are there," he says. Also, Segel reinforces the sentiment that "a good number (of rabbi's kids) resent the fact that they are expected to set an example for others."
But Segel notes that more and more children of rabbis are becoming rabbis themselves. This "clearly is a positive statement and an endorsement of a lifestyle," he says.
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