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Kids follow rules they help write
NANCY P. BRODY, PH.D.
Special to Jewish News
Scott and his mother are in a continuous battle. One of the current issues revolves around Scott's room.
Scott describes his mother as a "clean freak." He says she wants things just so and has a "hissy fit" if anything is out of place. Scott admits his room is a mess, but he says he likes it that way. He uses the old, "It's my room, so why can't it be the way I want it?"
Scott's mother views Scott as not being respectful of her wishes. She is upset that in spite of all she does for him, he can't do this one thing - clean his room - for her.
Another problem is Scott's bedtime. Scott's older brother always had to be in bed at 8 p.m. when he was Scott's age, and Scott's parents are requiring that Scott also go to bed at 8 p.m. Scott, though, is involved in several after-school activities and usually does not get home until dinner time. After dinner, he has to do his homework. Scott would like to stay up an extra half-hour to be able to play, watch television or read before going to bed.
It is not my job, as therapist, to say who is right and who is wrong. My job is to encourage a meeting of the minds between Scott and his mother, in such a way that both of them feel their views and wishes are heard and respected.
I use techniques common to mediation. Today, mediation is being used to settle a variety of disputes, including establishing custody and visitation agreements for children of divorce, resolving disagreements between parents and school systems, and even ending conflicts in the business world.
During a parent-child mediation session, the children and the parents have an opportunity to explain what they want, differentiating that from what they need.
Scott's mother, for example, wants him to go to bed at 8 p.m., but is that really necessary? What is her reason? Will he be tired the next morning if he stays up another half hour?
Scott wants to be able to keep his room as messy as he wants, but does he really need it to be messy? Would he have trouble sleeping in a room that is neat and clean?
With Scott and his mother talking together, they could come up with an agreement, for example, that would allow Scott to stay up a half-hour later if he puts his clothes and toys away nightly and completely cleans his room every Sunday. Once an agreement is reached, a family contract is written. The contract states that both Scott and his mother consider the agreement to be fair and equitable, and that both agree to follow it. Scott and his mother each sign the contract, giving it an official look and allowing each to have a copy of the written agreement, to refer to as needed.
Research shows that people are more likely to follow rules when they have a voice in establishing them. This is true of children, as well as adults. When children participate in setting the rules they are expected to follow, there usually is greater compliance with them, compared to when rules are arbitrarily imposed upon them.
If they help write the rules, how can they rebel against them?
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