Building bridges
Planning an interfaith wedding poses tough challenges
LOU HIRSH
Managing Editor
Couples preparing for a trip down the aisle know that the wedding day is supposed to be their day. But there are also relatives and friends to please when planning the ceremony, which is difficult enough without the delicate issues posed by interfaith marriage.
Intermarried couples who want a religious ceremony, rather than a civil one, often struggle to find a way to bridge the different religions while not offending guests who may hold more traditional views of what a wedding should be.
Two local couples, each with a Jewish bride and a Catholic groom, say they were able to work out the difficulties to their own satisfaction, but it meant reaching beyond their respective religions - and outside the immediate Phoenix area - for a resolution.
For their recent wedding, Kim and Jef Heredia held a ceremony that incorporated Jewish and Catholic traditions, officiated at by both a priest and a rabbi. The outdoor wedding was held at the home of the bride's parents.
The Rev. Chris Carpenter, associate pastor at Sts. Simon and Jude Cathedral in Phoenix, co-officiated at the Heredias' wedding with Rabbi Benjamin Leinow of San Diego, using a special text prepared by Carpenter for interfaith weddings.
Carpenter said the text was prepared with sensitivities to differing religious beliefs, incorporating prayers in Hebrew to be recited by the rabbi as well as Catholic prayers recited by the priest. Religious references are to both Old and New Testament, and the text begins by stressing a bridging of religious differences:
"We believe that it is God's will that men should beat their swords into plowshares, that they should be blest in peacemaking. The Hebrew prophet Isaiah expressed the hope of bringing people closer together when he declared 'My house shall be called the House of Worship for all the peoples of the earth.' The Psalmist exclaimed, 'Behold how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity.' "
The co-officiated ceremony incorporates Jewish wedding traditions, such as the breaking of the glass, and Catholic tradition, such as the lighting of the unity candle.
It's a relatively new concept in religious weddings, but Carpenter says couples have responded well so far.
"The couples have been happy with it. The biggest opposition really comes from the families, rather than the couple."
To assuage concerns of families, Carpenter said he makes it clear from the start of the process that his church does not demand conversion or baptism of the non-Catholic spouse.
"The church doesn't call on anyone to abandon their faith," he says.
Kim Heredia says comments afterward from relatives on both sides of the family were positive.
"It was a beautiful ceremony. It went much better than I anticipated," the bride says.
"I was a little nervous about how the different customs would fit together," she adds. "We didn't want to step on other people's toes in terms of the religious aspects. But I think it turned out very well."
Another choice for intermarriage weddings is having two ceremonies, as Stefanie Rafkin and fiancee Matthew Shuey have chosen.
On the same day in May, there will be a Catholic ceremony with Carpenter presiding, followed after sundown by a Jewish ceremony officiated at by Cantor Seymour Raboy of Temple Beth Ami in Paradise Valley. Both ceremonies will take place in a reception room at the Marriot Mountain Shadows resort in Scottsdale.
Rafkin says she and her finance are "very comfortable" with the decision to have two ceremonies, and the couple was able to address sensitivities on both sides of the family in making plans.
"We would have liked to have just one ceremony, but we're happy with what we were able to work out," says Rafkin.
The unified ceremony and the double ceremony are the primary choices for interfaith couples who want a religious wedding.
Most rabbis at Phoenix congregations will not co-officiate at an interfaith wedding. A few, however, will officiate as the sole clergy, but only after the couple has had a series of consultations with the rabbi and have agreed to raise any children in a Jewish home.
Rabbi Kenneth Segel of Reform Temple Beth Israel in Phoenix is among those who stand by this policy.
As for the ceremony itself, Segel said while couples are given some leeway in personalizing the ceremony, any intermarriage wedding performed at Beth Israel will not incorporate traditions or text from outside Judaism.
"We will modify the Jewish ceremony only with sensitivity and integrity," he says. "I'm trying to do what is best for Judaism."
Segel says his synagogue's policy is intended to preserve religious principles, while also making sure that those who wish to embrace Jewish tradition are not shunned over marriage issues. "We can't bury our heads in the sand," he says of the growing trend toward interfaith marriages.
Still another option for an interfaith couple is a civil ceremony.
Rabbi David Pinkwasser of Reform Temple Emanuel in Tempe says he will not officiate at interfaith marriages inside his synagogue. But on some occasions, he has offered to perform civil ceremonies - as a representative of the state, not as a rabbi - at a non-religious location.
He also asks that couples meet with him for a minimum of two counseling sessions. If the couple is not amenable to the arrangement, he advises they ask a judge to perform the civil ceremony.
Although "very few" opt for a civil ceremony performed by a rabbi, Pinkwasser says this approach allows couples future involvement in Jewish life, rather than turning them away due to their differences.
"I like this because it's not the temple slapping them in the face and telling them to go away," says Pinkwasser. "It leaves them with the impression that we're not insensitive to their needs."
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