NO EASY ANSWERS
What role can grandparents play in lives of grandchildren raised in interfaith marriages?
LENI REISS
Senior Contributing Editor
"We're fighting a losing battle," says a rueful Bill Friedman, whose two cherished granddaughters "probably" go to church with their mother on Sundays.
Friedman and his wife, Doris, "are just working, right now, at keeping the girls in our lives," he explains, since their son, Todd, is divorced and the children, ages 6 and 3, live with their mother.
"They know that we are Jewish, and that their father is as well," Bill Friedman, a local podiatrist explains. "They are with him and us for at least some of the holiday celebrations, and we do what we can to inculcate Judaism."
But Friedman fears that their efforts are in vain. "We try to come to terms with it," he says, "but it hurts."
The Friedmans' pain resonates with that of other Valley grandparents whose dreams of Jewish grandchildren have been dashed by the reality of an intermarriage rate that for couples under 35 is between 65 and 70 percent in the Greater Phoenix area, according to Fred Zeidman of Jewish Federation of Greater Phoenix.
Reform Rabbi Kenneth Segel of Temple Beth Israel estimates that he talks with and counsels at least six couples each week who are entering into an intermarriage. He tells them, "Don't sweep issues under the carpet in the name of love."
"Determine the religious nature of your home," he advises the pair, "because although you may think it sounds good to say, 'the children will choose their religion when they are old enough,' it doesn't work."
Studies show that children in such situations tend to develop "religious schizophrenia," Segel says. "They need to know what they are. They need to have a dominant, consistent, loving faith."
He tells parents to communicate with their children openly and honestly on issues of religion "before the wedding, before the grandchildren." After the grandchildren are born, he warns, "the chemistry changes. Where there is good synergy, there will be excellent opportunities for grandparents to play a role when the grandchildren come," he says, adding the caveat, "You must be sensitive to the situation and to the couple's wishes as to their religious priorities. To intrude, to muddle, to get into a tug of war is disastrous and can kill the connection."
In an honest relationship, grandparents can involve the intermarried family in holiday celebrations and share "their full expression of joy and meaning," Segel says.
Gifts of books and other learning materials that the couple can peruse in the privacy of their home are a way of sharing Jewish heritage and traditions "in a non-threatening manner," he says. "And bring the grandchildren to family services - but only with permission from the parents."
Verne Rosenfield "shlepped latkes to Los Angeles" recently, to celebrate an early Hanukkah with her son, Michael, daughter-in-law Sigrid and two grandchildren, ages 4 and 2. "As far as I can tell," she says, "there is no formal religion in their home, but to the extent that they allow it, my husband and I are doing what we can" to instill some degree of Judaism.
Each grandchild has a menorah, a gift from the Rosenfields, "and we know they light them at holiday time," she says. Because of the geographic distance, Rosenfield says, she and her husband are limited as to what they can do. "If they lived here, and if I had anything to say about it, there would be more exposure for the kids," she avers, "but I would never do anything to create stress in their family. This was my son and daughter-in-law's choice; they know full well what the situation is. Religion just isn't that important to them."
While grandparents "can serve as a positive Jewish link" to grandchildren of an intermarriage, Reform Rabbi Maynard Bell of Temple Solel warns them "to be sensitive to reality, and not to hold on to false hopes." For instance, he says that the Jewish naming ritual, if done only to appease the Jewish grandparents, doesn't make the child Jewish. "It just is a balm," he says.
In "The Intermarriage Handbook," one of a spate of materials on the subject, authors Judy Petsonk and Jim Remson point out that America is 97 percent gentile and many Christian Americans have had little or no personal contact with Jews. "Don't see hostility where there is only ignorance and
discomfort," they caution. In fact, they write, "In recent years, Jewish men have achieved a reputation among some gentile women as 'ideal husbands.' They are seen as dependable, kind and loving. More than one gentile woman has told us that she always intended to marry a Jewish man."
Bette Mae and Larry Epstein's son, Howard, is married to a Catholic woman who has agreed to raise their two children, ages 18 months and 4, as Jews. "Christine would never convert," says her mother-in-law, "and I understand that. If the situation were reversed, I wouldn't want my son to convert."
Epstein is generous in her praise of Christine's parents, both observant Catholics, who, she says, "are wonderfully understanding and supportive (of the decision to raise the grandchildren as Jews).
"I really don't know if I could be that way," she admits.
"I asked them, 'How do you stand this?'" Epstein says. "They told me they see that Judaism is family-oriented, they see that their daughter is happy, and they are content with that. They join us for our holidays and we join them for theirs."
Meanwhile, Epstein is firm in her belief that when the father in a mixed marriage is Jewish, "grandparents need to work that much more.
"It's the woman who sets the tone," she says. "Christine needs the guidance. She makes it possible for me to be the arbiter of all things Jewish. She doesn't fight me.
"I feel that it is my responsibility to join the links of the generations, and Howard and Christine go along with that."
Epstein adds, "It definitely helps to have a sense of humor."
Sheila and Milt Corwin are the adoring grandparents of their son Michael's three children, products of his marriage to Janelle, a non-Jew. "We accept and respect the choice our son made," says Sheila Corwin, and we "never would do anything to cause trouble."
"It's probably best for the kids to have one religion," she says, "but that's just not the way it is here." The grandchildren go to church "on occasion," she says, "but they celebrate the Jewish holidays here with us, and they all go or have gone to Jewish pre-schools and JCC summer camps."
"We do what we can to set an example of what it is to live a Jewish life, and just hope it will have an impact," Corwin says.
Along those lines, Rabbi Rick Sherwin of Beth El Congregation, a Conservative synagogue, advises grandparents to "roll with it and don't throw in the towel. You never know what is going to make a difference.
"Signal to your grandchildren that Judaism is meaningful," he says. "Obviously we aren't a generation that sits shiva (goes into a period of mourning) when a child marries a non-Jew. Grandparents now recognize this is a different world and there are different dynamics."
Sherwin maintains that many grandparents "are in a good situation because they tend to have time to go to shul. This sends a strong message - and it is my observation that kids get it. Remember, they are watching."
Chabad-Lubavitch Rabbi Zalman Levertov of Orthodox Congregation Bais Menachem concurs, encouraging grandparents not to "give up."
"Strengthen your own observance," he suggests. "Do different mitzvot for your children and grandchildren to see, such as lighting the Shabbos candles."
Such efforts, the rabbi says, may well inspire the non-Jewish parent ultimately to convert. And, if they do so according to Halachah, "he or she is just as Jewish as I am," Levertov says.
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