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April 15, 2005/Nisan 6 5765, Volume 57, No. 33
Teach your children well
Torah study
RABBI SHLOMO RISKIN
Parsha Metzora, Leviticus 12:1-13:59
This coming Sabbath is known as Shabbat Hagadol, or the Great Sabbath. In a usual calendar year, when there are at least several days between the Sabbath and Passover, we read on Shabbat Hagadol the prophetic portion from Malachi, who speaks of the "great and awesome day" which will precede the redemption. It is actually Elijah the prophet who will herald this day, and Elijah's major task will be "to restore the hearts of the parents to their children and the hearts of the children to their parents."
Apparently, our prophet understood that the major issue facing each and every one of us is discord within the family, and if the period of redemption will be one of harmony and love, such rapprochement must begin with the parent-child relationship. However, there is one strange note within this verse: Malachi begins his familial charge to the parents who must first turn their hearts to the children. What does this mean?
Of all of the challenges that each of us adults have in life, none is greater than that of being a parent and grandparent. The seder, which is an expression of the commandment "And you shall tell (the Jewish tradition - Haggadah) to your children," expresses the challenge of parenting at its very opening. Each of the participants around the table takes karpas, which is usually translated as a green vegetable portending the spring season. However, Rabbi Shlomo Kluger suggests in his interpretation of the Haggadah that the word karpas is derived from the special striped and colored garment that Jacob gave to his favorite son Joseph, called in Hebrew passim and which Rashi links to the special karpas embroidery decorating King Achashverosh's palace (Genesis 37:3 and Rashi ad loc). We generally dip our vegetable in salt water; however, there is an alternative custom to dip the karpas in charoset, a mixture of nuts and wine that the Jerusalem Talmud suggests is reminiscent of blood. When we remember that the brothers of Joseph dipped his karpas cloak into the blood of the slaughtered ram (Genesis 37:31), it is clear that we are opening the seder remembering the relationship between Jacob and Joseph, about which the Rabbis of the Talmud criticized the parent who favors one child among the others and thereby causes familial jealousy (B.T. Shabbat 10b). From this perspective, the seder is at one and the same time instructing the parent of his major task to impart Jewish traditions to his children, but warning the parent of the challenges and difficulties that go along with parenthood.
How can we avoid the pitfall? First of all, it is crucial to be loving and accepting of all of our children, even of those who may have strayed far from the path. That is why there are four children typecast around the seder table, one of them being the wicked child. He too must be given a place that enables him to feel the familial embrace. Even more noteworthy is how the Haggadah defines the wicked child: He is neither a Sabbath desecrator nor a partaker of non-kosher food but is rather one who excludes himself from the community of Israel. For Judaism, it is critical that the Jew feel himself to be a member of the Jewish family entire. It is incumbent upon every Jewish parent to inclusively accept all the children.
Finally, I would suggest that parents must never stereotype their children. At any rate, each of us has a little bit of each of the four children within our own personality; hardly anyone is consistent - either in being good or being wicked - all the time. The message of the Haggadah is be loving and not judgmental, wise and not punitive.
Rabbi Shlomo Riskin is the leader of Efrat, Israel.
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