What to do with gifts from Mr. Ex

Sometimes relationships of the heart are misleading. SJF+SJM did not equal what I had thought it might. In fact, he definitely had too much "baggage." So when the package postmarked Vancouver arrived - I was a bit surprised. I hadn't heard from Mr. Vancouver in about 10 months.

We didn't part on such good terms. What could he be sending me? I wondered. There were no ticking sounds. Could it be an early birthday present?

When I could not take the suspense anymore, my fingers ripped the package open. There was a note and an item of clothing. It turned out he had returned my suit jacket - the gray one I'd been missing since my trip north. Apparently, he'd been cleaning out his closet and found my three-quarter suit jacket that I'd left by mistake. It certainly was nice of him to return it.

But it set me thinking: Is there an expiration date on returning personal effects to/from our exes? Do we owe an ex anything once the relationship is over?

Anne, a close friend, is a beautiful yoga aficionado and an entrepreneur who started her own business last year. But I'm not quite sure I'd agree with her dating etiquette.

"In my shed, I have my ex's, well, one of his favorite pictures," Anne admitted. "It's always hidden behind something. So I have intentions of sending it back, but I never get around to it," she added.

That relationship ended five years ago. "I don't want to throw his stuff away because that's just rude. I just haven't had a chance to give it back. I'm not going to ship it so the only way to give it back is to drive it to his home and that's in another state," she explained.

Another friend had not spoken with her ex in more than two years. But she still did not want to give his clothes away. She waited until she returned to New York where he lived to make the hand delivery. She liked her ex so much that she had his clothes dry-cleaned and then left them with his doorman on 87th between Lexington and Park. "It just felt cathartic to extricate myself by doing it in a nice way," she said.

My friend Dan, a handsome doctor you'd want to call your own, reasoned: "I think it's kind of weird that a person would hold on to an item for so long. If that happened to me, I'd hand deliver or mail the item back as soon as possible," he told me.

Other friends advised: "Throw that stuff out!"

"Throwing items away becomes a cleansing experience."

"Do you really need the items taking up storage space?"

Another friend agreed: "There should definitely be an expiration date on holding onto baggage," Lisa said. "It depends what the item is. If it's CDs or clothes, etc., the window should be open for about one month. However, I would not go out of my way to give anything back. But if the person e-mailed or called and really wanted the item, then I would make arrangements to leave it outside my door for him to pick up.

"If an ex doesn't call within a month, then I don't think he will call at all. If a relationship didn't work out, I just don't want anything to do with that person," she added. "And I believe many singles feel the same."

Not necessarily true. I think returning items has less to do with what you owe an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, and more to do with common courtesy. It's best to treat someone the way you wish to be treated. And returning items from the past subconsciously frees the mind, finalizing the relationship's end.

In a way, it's the same closure that funerals or memorial services provide.

So am I happy to have my suit back? Of course! It's practically new and will be a welcome addition to my wardrobe.

Do I wish things had worked out differently? Not one bit. When it's wrong, it's wrong. And I'm told when it's right, it's really right.

Dana Greene is a syndicated columnist based in San Diego. Contact her at dgreene74@aol.com.

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