|
|
April 1, 2005/Adar II 21 5765, Volume 57, No. 31
Carving out quality time with kids
BETH OLSON
Special to the Jewish News
Do you ever lie in bed at night and realize that an entire day went by without having a meaningful exchange with one or more of your children? I've noticed as my children get older that it is constantly more challenging to carve out quality time each day.
When they were younger, it hardly took any effort to spend time with my kids. I stayed home with each of them through toddlerhood, and even after going back to work and school, it was always on a part-time basis. Also, when kids are young, their activities are quality time with mom. Whether you're at Gymboree or a playgroup or a tot Shabbat, this time is all spent with mother and child actively engaged together.
But as they get older, it seems that school and sports and religious school and other interests eat away at that family time.
We once ate dinner together every night and had breakfast and lunch together on the weekends. Now I'd say we average five to six meals together a week. And believe me, those five to six meals a week don't just happen - they take careful planning and orchestrating on my part.
On Sundays, we once had a family ritual - religious school in the morning, lunch together, chores and errands in the afternoon, and then a family movie in the evening to relax and round out the weekend. Lovingly dubbed "Family Movie Night," this has gone from a weekly occurrence to a bi-monthly happening.
Admittedly, however, old rituals are often replaced by new ones.
While we don't have the hours we used to devote to Family Movie Night, we do find time to watch "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" on Sunday nights. While toddlers would likely lack any interest in the show, it is a fun and uplifting way to spend an evening with school-age kids.
And while we simply aren't with our children as much as they get older, there are ways I've found to have quality time with each of them.
My younger daughter and I planted a small vegetable garden with tomatoes, beans, lettuce and carrots. We've had so much fun taking care of it together that we started a container garden with flowers and herbs.
An activity like gardening is so wonderful for communicating with children. The work itself requires communication, and it seems like the conversations just flow once you get started. And because your primary focus is the task, there are never uncomfortable pauses or a struggle to keep the conversation going.
It's tougher with teens, who may be moody and unwilling to be interested in any activity their parents are interested in, but I've also found a fairly good technique with my older daughter.
When my 13-year-old comes to tell me she is going to bed, I wait five to 10 minutes and then go into her room. At that point, her lights are out and she's usually relaxed in bed. I either sit on the edge of her bed, or lie down with her for a few minutes. At this time, there is no pressure, no stress, and even those out-of-whack hormones seem to be at ease. It's at these times that she feels comfortable discussing everything from school to friends, drugs to sex, and the Terri Schiavo case to gay marriage.
My hope is to not only maintain quality interaction with my kids now, but to develop relationships that will last a lifetime.
While I speak to my parents every day, my husband may go weeks without speaking to his. My brother took a day off over spring break to hang out with my kids, while my husband's sister is in town for a week for spring training and may stop by to see them for an hour. I frequently contemplate how these differences develop, mostly because I don't want them to happen in my own family.
My husband has shared some about his upbringing. His family vacationed together and went camping and attended ballgames, much like most other families we know, but I truly believe that the difference is in the day-to-day interactions of the family. My husband freely admits that he was pretty much left alone to raise himself - not that his family wasn't there, or didn't care, but they were all pretty much on their own paths with their own interests and their own friends.
So while my daughters get busier and busier with their own activities with each passing week, I constantly renew my commitment to being a mother to my children every single day.
Beth Olson lives in Chandler with her husband and two daughters, Jasmine, 13, and Jensine, 7.
|
|
