Trust instincts when choosing therapist

Dear Bonnie:

I am looking for a therapist who works with children, particularly children with ADHD, and who is on my insurance plan. I can get a list from my insurance, but it doesn't tell me any more than name and address. There must be some resource to find out their specialty. Any ideas?

Dear Inquiring Mom:

There are basically two ways to find a therapist for your children. The first is through personal recommendations from other parents, school counselors, school psychologists and medical doctors. The other is through your insurance company. All the therapists on their referral list must fill out a form listing their specialties. I would recommend calling your insurance company and asking them to please let you know who specializes in working with children with ADHD.

As with any referral, it is extremely important that you make your own assessment. I would recommend meeting the therapist(s) on your own and finding out what their approach and experience is in working with children with ADHD. I work with many children and adolescents with ADHD, and I have found that the best way to help them deal with their specific challenges is by working very closely with their parents. A great many behavioral changes can occur in children when parents change the way they respond to their children's actions. Parents must also have specific rules and consequences that they clearly communicate to their children and follow through with.

At this initial meeting, I would also recommend that you pay close attention to how you feel when you are speaking with the therapist. Do you feel comfortable? Does she or he appear to be compassionate, knowledgeable, and easy to talk with? When you leave, do you feel that you have gained some new insight as to the best way to help your children? Do you think this is a person your children would like and could come to trust? These are important questions to ask. They will help guide you in making the right choice.

You might also want to find out if you or your husband have ADHD. ADHD is usually hereditary. If either of you are diagnosed with it, it is essential that you and/or he get help as well. The more skills you gain in dealing with your own ADHD, the more you will be able to give your children the guidance, stability and support they need.

By taking these recommended steps, you are sure to find the right therapist for your children. Take your time, use your good judgment and know that you are doing what is best for them and for your entire family.

Dear Bonnie:

Our 39-year-old son has not yet settled on a career path or committed to a life partner. How can we as loving, supportive parents help our child get on with his life, or is it too late?

Dear Loving and Supportive Parents:

At this stage in your son's life, the best way to be supportive is by letting go. He needs to know that your love is unconditional and that you believe in him and his ability to succeed. If he should ask for your advice, then by all means share with him all the wisdom you have gained from a lifetime of experience. If he doesn't, then it is best to keep most of your thoughts to yourselves and trust that that which you have taught him and all the love you have given will guide him in his future decisions and choices.

Some people know what they want to do professionally from a very young age, and others discover it later on in life. Your son is still searching. Some people get married sooner than others, sometimes to the right person and sometimes not. Your son has not found the person that will be his life partner, yet.

In our society, there is a belief that life doesn't really begin until we have a career, are financially well-off or are on our way to becoming so and have found someone to share our journey with. The truth is that life can be fulfilling and exciting without any of these elements. The inverse is true as well. How many people do you know who are professionally and financially successful, are healthy, have a beautiful family and are terribly unhappy?

You have a specific dream for your son; it may or may not be his as well. In his own unique way, he is working on living a happy and rich life and hopefully one with a bright future. You and he both need to have patience and faith that he will find what he is looking for.

With all of our choices come consequences. Since your son has chosen this path, he must be the one responsible for the consequences that come along with it. It is extremely important that you do not shield him from them. If he wants to use his time looking for the career that will bring him greater fulfillment, then he must live according to the means he is able to provide for himself. If he would rather wait for someone who fills more of his needs, then he must learn to create a life in which he is emotionally satisfied in other ways.

I know that you wish for your son all the blessings that life can bestow, and I truly hope that in time they all will be his to have and to cherish. In the meantime, help him appreciate the life that he does have and make it one filled with family, support, and lots of love.

Psychotherapist Bonnie Barness is a behavioral consultant. Send questions here . To contact her, call 480-451-0407 or e-mail bonniebarness@yahoo.com.

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