From despair to balance

So many of us get hung up on the things over which we have no control. Bosses, traffic, the economy, hairlines, foot size, eye color, illness, death - there is no end to the list of things over which we have little or no control. And our lives spin out of control when we obsess, worry and fuss about the things that no amount of obsession, worry or fussing will help. Sometimes we have to learn to live with the things we can't control and to accept reality, even when we don't like it, even when it's painful.

The hardest part seems to be figuring out what we have control over and what we don't have control over. It really shouldn't be such a challenge, but, alas, it is. Some of us fantasize about being "in control," and some of us make our presence felt by trying to control others. But, in reality, it's illusion: we are not self-made super-beings. We are just humans. We don't get to rule the world, or even our small piece of it. While we might try to think in grandiose terms, life often reminds us to be more humble, to recognize our limits.

The only thing we can be certain we have control over is our own feelings, reactions and perspectives. No one else determines or controls how we feel, or can "make us feel" anything. The feelings are our own doing. So often we say "that person made me feel like ..." No one can make you feel anything. You may just have to be creative as to how you interpret your interaction.

Your feelings are legitimate; they are your own. You feel happy or sad, hopeful or despairing. You don't have to stick with either. Sometimes, knowing you get to control how you feel about that which is beyond your control helps you feel a sense of control. If life is in the gray areas (neither one extreme or the other), can asserting your control over your emotions move you from despair toward hope?

Picture a coin with two sides. Heads or tails. What I'm suggesting is that neither is much fun. Spin the coin on its end and you have an interesting coin. If you can keep it spinning, you see that both extremes are in balance, neither pulling the coin to either side. Both sides exist, and the edge in the middle is what it all spins on. Perhaps if we apply this image to our emotions, we can see the extremes and maybe see the balance between them. Then we can see that each side of the coin is necessary for balance to happen.

In other words, it's not about jumping from one emotion to another, but rather finding the other side of your emotional coin through which you can find balance. How do you get there - from despair to balance? I think that's the time to turn to God. Turning to God means recognizing that you are not in control of everything, and need some help. The help you need, though, is not to serve you or to do your will, not to make the natural order of the world change because you demand it. Turn to God for help accepting that there are a lot of things beyond your control. Ask for God's help in facing the things you can control, helping you to see the other side of your spiritual coin, finding a way to control your feelings. God can help all of us see the other side of our emotional and spiritual coins, and find strength to move from one side of the coin to the edge - to balance, shalom, wholeness.

To whom can we turn? The Serenity Prayer is often the most eloquent answer to that question:

"God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

Rabbi H. Rafael Goldstein is in a private practice providing spiritual counseling for people touched by serious illness or loss. He can be reached at 602-441-4518 or ravrafael@earthlink.net.

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