Red flags wave about potential in-laws

Dear Bonnie:
My daughter is getting very serious with a wonderful young man, for whom she cares very deeply. She sees a couple of red flags with his parents, however. They are professionals living in the Midwest. She tells me that the mother is very ashamed of her "Jewishness" and tries to hide the fact that they are Jewish. The boyfriend is very strongly observant and keeps kosher.

The parents are also "exercise fanatics," who look down their noses at people like me who are pleasantly plump. My daughter is concerned about these issues. If she marries this young man, they probably will not be living in the same state as his parents, but she still foresees potential conflicts. What do you suggest?

Dear Caring Mother:
Your daughter is fortunate, indeed, to have a mother who is as caring and supportive as you are. I am so happy for you both that such a wonderful young man has come into her life.

Since they are getting more involved, it is important that she respect her perceptions concerning his parents. In the weeks and months ahead, she must keep her eyes open in order to gain a more complete picture, not only of her potential future in-laws but also of their relationship with their son.

One of your daughter's areas of concern has to do with his mother's personal issues regarding her Jewish identity. As much as this might disturb your daughter, her real focus needs to be on the potential negative effect it will have, in the future, on her children. In my opinion, as long as both she and her new man are strongly committed to having a traditional Jewish home, then his mother's views will have little or no impact on their children. It is even possible that their love of Judaism might create an opportunity for his mother to come to terms with her own issues from the past and could help her realize how much she has to be proud of. I have no doubts that your daughter's young man will do everything in his power to pass on his love for Judaism to their children and that both of them will enjoy the joy that comes from creating a life based on the values of our religion.

Because your daughter is sensitive, she is aware that her potential in-laws can be judgmental. I suggest that she get to know how critical they truly are. If she finds that there are a couple of things that they "look down their noses at" but for the most part they are loving, accepting and compassionate people, then she and you will most likely come to have a nice relationship with them in spite of their views. If on the other hand, she learns that this attitude is pervasive, then her concerns are well-founded and it will be difficult for her to have more than a formal relationship with them.

As always, time will tell. My recommendation to your daughter is that she continue to build a strong and healthy relationship with her wonderful man based on their love, mutual respect, and common values. When conflict does arise, let them deal with it in a manner that preserves their relationship, their integrity and individual boundaries, and the family unit. I wish your daughter all the best. May you, your family and your machatuneem all dance together with great joy and love ... at her wedding!

Send questions here . To contact her regarding private consultation, call 480-451-0407 or e-mail BonnieBarness@yahoo.com.

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