Help, my child won't go to sleep

This month, Jewish News debuts a new column written by local psychotherapist Bonnie Barness. Barness recently moved from Beverly Hills, Calif., to the Phoenix area, where she is in private practice. She is a specialist in anger management, a behavioral consultant and a mediator working with couples, families, companies and the Superior Court. In addition to conducting workshops, Barness speaks frequently at events and conferences, and is the author of the workbook "Finding The Balance. ... A Guide to Sane Living." Barness has conducted workshops that address current issues from both a Jewish and a psychological perspective, and she hopes that readers of the column "will ask questions that involve issues they face which are related to Judaism." And now, here's Bonnie:

Dear Bonnie:
My 6-year-old daughter is having a lot of trouble going to sleep. Although her bedtime is 8:30 p.m. or 9 p.m., she is never asleep before 10:30 p.m. She is always hungry at bedtime: Every night we have the same argument about no eating at bedtime, and she cries that she is truly hungry, and I let her have something, usually yogurt or a bowl of cereal.

There's a lot going on at home right now - I'm separated from my husband, and my daughter is spending three nights a week at his house - so I want to be sensitive. But I also want a healthy routine. How can I stop the bedtime snack? And how can I get my daughter to sleep earlier?

P.S. She sleeps in my bed - I gave up that fight around the time her father moved out.

Dear Concerned Mom:
Believe it or not, your question actually contains part of the answer.

The way to stop the late-night snacks is to create a healthy evening routine. The secret to success is for you to stay resolute no matter what. If you want your daughter to go to sleep at 8:30 p.m., have her begin getting ready an hour earlier. When she is about to go to bed, offer her a snack and let her know that this is the last opportunity to eat for the night. Next is story time, followed by a big goodnight kiss and then lights out.

Your daughter needs to know that you expect her to stay in bed and that the next meal will be in the morning.

Prepare yourself, things will get worse before they get better. But by staying calm and consistent, your problem will be solved before you know it. As much as your daughter fights to have her way, what she really needs is to feel that you are in control, especially during this difficult time. Don't waiver.

Sooner than you think, your evenings will be filled with moments you will cherish forever.

P.S. Once this routine is established, you can look forward to the pleasure of watching your daughter sleep in her own bed. Just apply the same technique and, voilÖ, it will happen.

Dear Bonnie:
I am getting married soon and already it is a nightmare. My future mother-in-law is being very mean to my fiancÇ, refusing to speak to him because we will be living together before we are married.

She has several times made the statement, "If I go to the wedding." This is making my mother upset, and creating this circle of stress.

My fiancé and I are trying not to let it come between us, but there are times when we start snipping at each other. Please help.

Dear Bride-to-be:
You are embarking on a very exciting new chapter in your life. Don't let anyone or anything get in the way of your happiness.

You and your fiancÇ are about to take a big step. Such a major life change naturally brings up intense emotions not only for the two people involved but for their families as well. All these emotions can throw a person off center.

To regain your joy, you need to find your balance. The first thing to do in order to achieve this goal is to stop thinking and talking about your fiancÇ's mother and how she is behaving. Let your fiancÇ handle that department. You can be most supportive of him by taking care of yourself. If he sees that you are happy, I guarantee you that he will already feel a lot better. Happiness has a way of rubbing off on those around us.

Go out and have fun. Get together with friends and family who share in your joy. Encourage him to do the same. Pamper yourself and each other. Go to the spa and watch the stress melt away. Spend time together. Spend time apart and dream of the new life you are in the process of creating.

You are truly blessed to have found each other. Appreciate and be good to one another and the rest will come. You have a wonderful life ahead - go enjoy it.

Dear Bonnie:
I have been married for 12 years and have everything I ever dreamed of. I am married to a wonderful man, have two beautiful and intelligent children and a lovely home. Yet, I feel discontent. I don't know why? Can you help?

Dear Discontented:
To understand why you are discontent you need to look inside yourself and find out what emotional needs are not being met.

What is the quality of your relationships with your husband and children? Do you feel appreciated? Do you have a support system outside of your nuclear family? Do you feel there are parts of yourself that have not been explored or expressed? Is there more that you would like to do with your life? Answer these questions and you will be on your way to finding the contentment and fulfillment you are looking for. Good luck.

Submit questions here . To contact her regarding private consultation, call 480-451-0407 or e-mail BonnieBarness@yahoo.com.

Home

Help, my child won't go to sleep

Ask Bonnie

BONNIE BARNESS (Submit questions )

BONNIE BARNESS
(Submit questions )