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January 21, 2005/Shevat 11 5765, Vol. 57, No. 21
Planning a wedding by the book
Two new guides offer different approaches
DEBORAH SUSSMAN SUSSER
Associate Editor
In the turbulent sea that is planning a wedding, a good book on the subject can serve as a welcome life preserver. When I was figuring out my own wedding 10 years ago, I scouted the weddings section at my local bookstore until I finally lucked upon Anita Diamant's "The New Jewish Wedding," which I thereafter consulted several times a day and toted around like a security blanket until the Big Day. Not only did Diamant explain all the practical things I'd wondered about (Did the food need to be kosher? Should he circle me? What would the guests do during our yichud?), she explored the meaning behind the rituals and traditions that we often take for granted. What's more, she wrote in a thoughtful, down-to-earth way that I found incredibly reassuring. With Diamant's book at my side, I felt prepared to handle any crisis ("crisis" being a relative term, and I do mean relative - as in family) that might arise.
To this day, I feel grateful to Anita Diamant for her role in my wedding, and continue to recommend "The New Jewish Wedding" without reservation to my friends who are planning their own Jewish wedding. Two recently published books on the same subject bear consideration by any engaged couple looking for advice and guidance.
"Mazel Tov! The Complete Book of Jewish Weddings" (Citadel Press, $19.95 hardcover), by Lea Bayers Rapp, is a straightforward how-to book with lots of practical tips on etiquette, both religious and social. Rapp assumes that both members of the couple are Jewish, and she assumes that they will want a fairly traditional, fairly mainstream wedding. Included in the chapter on wedding music, for example, is a play list that includes Barbra Streisand's "Evergreen" and the Village People's "YMCA." Much of the information here (how to pick the right dress for the bride's shape, how to plan the bridal bouquet, etc., etc.) will be redundant for anyone who has looked at other wedding planning books - but there are also useful sections on such specifically Jewish traditions as benchen (cards or booklets printed with the grace after meal prayers) and Mezinka (the dance at the reception where parents who just "married off" their last child are honored). When it comes to the practical considerations that a Jewish wedding entails - for an outdoor wedding, make sure whoever is setting up the chuppah has the necessary materials to secure it so that it doesn't blow away mid-ceremony - Rapp is at her best. Sprinkled throughout the book are informative interviews with wedding industry insiders such as a kosher caterer and a make-up artist, as well as pages of useful tips on everything from finding a rabbi to keeping kosher on your honeymoon. And you have to love a woman who offers this advice to anyone who's worried that her short, wide friend will look out of place among her other "lean, long-legged" bridesmaids: "Get over it. You're honoring your friend for who she is, not what size she wears."
Gabrielle Kaplan-Mayer's "The Creative Jewish Wedding Book" (Jewish Lights Publishing, $19.99 paperback) is one I would have bought and referred to myself if it had existed all those years ago. Sub-titled "A Hands-on Guide to New and Old Traditions, Ceremonies & Celebrations," this book addresses not just the hows but the whys of Jewish marriage rites and traditions. Once a graduate student in Jewish history, Kaplan-Mayer focuses on bringing out "the honesty and integrity you desire in your wedding experience." Like Diamant, she offers the reader both practical advice, such as "A Word of Warning About the Wedding Industry," and musings on the spiritual side of planning a wedding. In her book, you'll find numerous helpful stories and examples from the weddings of other couples, including the author's own. Kaplan-Mayer also addresses, in several places, the concerns and questions of both gay and lesbian couples and interfaith couples who are planning a Jewish wedding. The chapter on ketubahs, for example, offers sample texts ranging from Orthodox to gender-neutral.
These two very different books take very different approaches to many of the same issues. Here, for example, is Rapp on the mikvah.
"Traditionally, if you're an Orthodox Jew or have converted to Judaism, before your wedding you'll be going to the mikvah - a ritual bathhouse affiliated with a synagogue or group of synagogues and housed in a permanent structure. Today more and more liberal Jews are also discovering the mikvah, which has been part of the Jewish practice for thousands of years. You'll ceremoniously immerse yourself in a pool of rainwater, or water that has run off from snow, sometimes mixed with filtered chlorinated water. Immersing in the water is a means of ritual purification: water symbolizes the source of life."
And here is Kaplan-Mayer: "The mikvah (Hebrew for "gathering of water") is the ritual bath that a traditional Jewish bride immerses in before her wedding day as a way of acknowledging her change in status from a single to a married woman ... For many brides today, going to the mikvah on the night before their wedding (or a few nights before) can be a great opportunity to connect with a mother or a special friend in an intimate way, apart from the wedding anxiety ... Many people compose new poems and prayers to accompany their pre-wedding dunking; you can find an assortment of these at www.ritualwell.org. Both men and women can take the opportunity of going to the mikvah to write an original prayer or poem. Your prayer does not need to be in formal or fancy language."
Each book contributes to the literature of Jewish wedding planning in its own way. The differences between them just go to show that there are as many kinds of Jewish weddings as there are Jews. And the similarities between the two books demonstrate that at heart, a Jewish wedding is a Jewish wedding. In fact, the introductions to both books start off exactly same way: "Mazel tov!"
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