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December 10, 2004/Kislev 27 5765, Vol. 57, No.15
Bat mitzvah reflections
BETH OLSON
Special to Jewish News
In the past year, I have written several columns about a single topic - my daughter's bat mitzvah. This is, however, the last in the series since the event has so quickly come and gone.
Even though a mere month ago I was hounding friends, family and co-workers for advice, I can now declare myself a bat mitzvah expert, or at the very least, survivor. Having now been through the experience, I am piecing together what I learned before, during and after the big event, so I'll be prepared to do this over again in a few years.
To me, organization was the key to a positive experience for everyone. I had so many lists that eventually I had to make a list of my lists. By the time I was immersed in the flurry of the last few days, I didn't have to worry that I'd forgotten something because it was all on my lists.
My friends laughed at me, but I believe that despite their taunts of "control freak," they were happy their roles were defined. Or maybe they were suggesting I need counseling.
In addition, we had a lot of non-Jewish friends and family sharing this experience with our family, and it was important to me that they feel comfortable. I wrote up a short description of what it means to become a bat mitzvah and then detailed each of the three main parts of the weekend, and included some advice on attire. I sent it by e-mail around the time I sent out the invitations. More than a dozen people thanked me afterwards, and I'll definitely do the same thing next time around.
One thing I'll change? I'll make mention of the fact that Jews do not take photographs on Shabbat. We had one well-meaning non-Jewish relative show up on Shabbat with a video recorder.
The actual service passes in such a whirlwind that it's important to spend a few minutes savoring it. During the Torah service, I reflected on the fact that hundreds of other Jewish young people across the globe were also celebrating their b'nai mitzvah with their family, friends and congregations on this day, as on every previous Shabbat. What an amazing testament that is to the strength and endurance of our faith.
After it's all over, there is this sense of calm that surrounds the household. Everyone seems to be somewhat in a state of disbelief that the study and preparation are complete. And the extra time certainly leaves more time for reflection. What I most often find myself thinking back on is not the work and preparation nor the food or the details, and not even my daughter's beautiful job leading services and reading the maftir and haftora, but mostly the people. Of course, I love my friends and family as everyone does, but I was not prepared for the overwhelming assistance that was offered at this important time in our lives.
There is still a large task looming after the b'nai mitzvah, of course - the thank-you notes. I've heard of struggles among parents and children, and certainly received my share of notes six months after the b'nai mitzvah (and rarely, not at all).
What I did was assemble all of the information friends and books had given me and came up with a plan for my daughter. She started her thank-you notes immediately - the day after, in fact. We agreed upon a number that she would write per day (six), although I've heard of parents assigning as many as 10. My children both know the basics of writing a thank-you note, but a friend suggested writing down several phrases to use when they get stuck. I also reminded my daughter that these notes aren't just about the gifts - the goal is to thank people for their thoughtfulness and support, and for sharing her special day with her. The best piece of advice I was given about thank-you notes is that not one check is cashed, nor one gift used, until every note is complete. There's been little resistance this time around, but that's definitely a piece of advice to hang on to.
Beth Olson lives in Chandler with her husband and two daughters.
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