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December 10, 2004/Kislev 27 5765, Vol. 57, No.15
Gift-giving presents dilemma for a new love
DANA GREENE
Special to Jewish News
What do you do for Chanukah when you're in a new relationship?
Do you talk about exchanging presents in advance or leave it to chance? What is an appropriate gift to give?
Will has been with the same woman for five months. At 29, this is the first Chanukah season in several years that he'll be dating someone. Of course, this makes him happy, but also leaves him wondering how to handle this gift-giving time of year.
Historically, Chanukah "gifting" is not a Jewish tradition. Why not?
Chanukah gift-giving evolved as nervous Jewish parents worried their kids would feel left out because all the non-Jewish children were receiving presents.
It's not only parents who can impart guilt on children. It works the other way, too. The practice of Chanukah gift-giving is a clear example.
It started innocently enough. The tradition of giving "Chanukah gelt" - the chocolate-covered gold coin - stemmed from parents wanting to emphasize the wisdom of the Torah as it was being carried forward by their children. Gelt was given as reward for this knowledge.
Modern-day assimilation parallels the Macabees' resistance to Greek assimilation. Basically, we were a real pain in the neck to the Greeks.
The newly released film epic "Alexander" conveys his determination to assimilate the whole world in sharing the Greek culture and language. Had Alexander really attained his goals, it would not have been possible for Jews to be a light onto the nations ... as we continue to aspire to be today.
Rabbi Simcha Weiser, headmaster of San Diego's Soille Hebrew Day School, says he doesn't want to be the Grinch who stole Chanukah, but he explained giving presents is traditionally related to Purim. "The reason is that on Purim, Jews felt gratitude to their neighbors and friends in appreciation for the merit of their collective prayer. The result being their lives were spared," he says.
"With Chanukah, the holiday is really related to a direct act of God that the oil burned for eight days - a miracle in the Temple," he says. "Therefore, it wouldn't cause one to run over to one's neighbor and give presents because the holiday had no relationship to the collective unity amongst the people."
The second distinction is that Purim represents a physical rescuing of the people, Weiser says. Haman wanted to kill the Jews, but the Greeks at the time of Chanukah were not a physical threat to the Jews - they were a spiritual threat. "Basically the Greeks wanted the Jews to become Hellenized by adopting their Greek culture," Weiser explains. "To the extent that the Jewish people cooperated, they were left alone.
"So the resistance for the war that the Macabees fought was based on keeping alive the spiritual-religious aspect of the Jewish people."
Therefore, Chanukah is celebrated less physically and more spiritually, Weiser says. "The lighting of the chanukiah translates a physical act of lighting a candle into a spiritual illumination of lighting up the world."
The chanukiah symbolizes a Jewish home and an inner life that glows and gives light to the outside world. According to the rabbi, the custom is to light the chanukiah in the window for all to see, and many Israelis actually light their chanukiah outside the front door. "The idea is that here is a home that has light to offer a dark world," he says.
So back to the dating dilemma. What gift to bestow on your new boyfriend or girlfriend? The key here is "new." Don't go crazy and spend a fortune. If you've been dating for just a short time, big gifts are not appropriate.
One idea for a Chanukah present might be to "create a memory together," which could be anything from concert tickets, attending a sporting event, or even taking a small trip together.
I don't think there's just one right answer for Will and his new love. Although he could stick with a practical gift such as perfume, a CD or a book.
For me, upholding the spiritual side of the holiday is more important than giving gifts.
Birthdays are a totally different story, however. No matter what, don't forget her/his birthday.
Dana Greene is a columnist based in San Diego. Contact her at dgreene74@aol.com.
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