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October 15, 2004/Tishri 30 5765, Vol. 57, No. 7
When peace eludes usDespite denial, domestic violence does exist in Jewish homes
VICKI CABOT
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 A brightly colored mural decorates one of the walls at the Chyrsalis shelter. Photo by Chet Provorse |
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Peace in the home.
It's an intrinsic Jewish value epitomizing the supremacy of marriage and family in our tradition. It's what every Jewish couple promises to seek, what every Jewish family aspires to achieve.
A coveted mutuality, a precious sharing of wants and needs, of desires and intentions.
But what happens when things go awry, when that peace is shattered by harsh words and hurtful actions? When that precious harmony descends into disharmony, or even worse, abuse and violence?
For years we wanted to believe that domestic abuse does not happen in our house. We clung to our faith in shalom bayit and closed our eyes to what was happening behind the closed doors of Jewish homes. But we have learned that abuse is a frightening leveler; it cuts across religious, ethnic and socioeconomic lines. No one is immune; no one exempt. It is something we must confront, as individuals, as a community.
Jewish Women's International, a national Jewish women's organization founded in 1897 as B'nai B'rith Women, has stepped to the forefront in heightening communal awareness of domestic abuse, assessing occurrence and degree, and crafting an action plan for combating its incidence.
The tragic death of a JWI professional in 1988, at the hands of her husband, catapulted the issue to the top of the organization's agenda. In the fall of 2002, JWI commenced work on both a national needs assessment study and a local one in Chicago that could be replicated by other communities.
Over an 18-month period, professionals studied the cycle of abuse in the Jewish community and identified unmet needs. In July 2003, JWI convened the first international conference on domestic abuse in the Jewish community, gathering hundreds of activists, domestic violence professionals, rabbis and social workers from the United States and abroad in Baltimore to shape a Jewish movement to end violence against women.
The result of the conference is a widely distributed Call to Action, released earlier this year, that lays out key findings of the needs assessment studies, which interestingly echo themselves, and provides a blueprint for education, action and advocacy.
The call to action is meant to be "a catalyst for deepening conversation, an inspiration for future programming and an advocate for driving new thinking, new funding, and new resources to the issue of domestic abuse," the report states.
Locally, the JWI report was greeted as a welcome mandate.
"I think that JWI has done a really good job," says Rabbi Andrew Straus of Temple Emanuel in Tempe. "They are the ones who helped to bring this issue out."
Tracie Huhn, who oversees the Shelter Without Walls program sponsored by Jewish Children's & Family Service, is familiar with JWI's work and recently submitted an article to the organization detailing local response to the issue.
"There is greater awareness of domestic violence," says Huhn, noting that October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. But there is still much education necessary.
"It's not just black eyes," she says, evoking the stereotypical image of the battered wife. "It can be a sinister way for someone to gain control over another individual."
Huhn details a host of abusive behaviors, which include emotional violence, name-calling and belittling; financial violence, withholding resources or ruining credit; and intellectual violence, not allowing access to school, media or books. She also mentions religious violence, using religious beliefs to gain control and power; sexual violence, rape or forcing a partner to commit unwanted sexual acts including prostitution; and physical violence that can create an atmosphere of intimidation and fear and lead to injury or even death.
"Often it is insidious, you can't put your finger on it," says Huhn, who has worked in the field of domestic abuse for six years. And then it can escalate.
She ticks off grisly statistics: one in every three women will experience some violence in her lifetime; every nine seconds a woman in the United States is battered; in Arizona, 100 women a year are murdered by a partner.
The JWI study affirmed that abuse knows no boundaries and does occur in Jewish homes. "Ten or 20 years ago, we heard that Jewish people do not abuse," says Rabbi Mari Charnow of Temple Chai. "Nice Jewish boys don't do that," was the myth. "Now we know better."
Prevalence is hard to calculate, say professionals locally.
"Methods of capturing data are better and people are talking more," notes Huhn. But statistics are based on women who self-identify as victims and seek shelter, counseling or other resources. And professionals know there are others.
From December 1998 through July 2004, 1,132 men, women and children have sought assistance from the JFCS program. Its Shelter Without Walls provides counseling, resources and referrals for emergency services and transitional needs.
"Everybody who comes in really needs something different," says Huhn, though maintaining safety from an abusive partner and learning to become more self-sufficient are the overarching concerns.
From July 2003 until June 2004, JFCS assisted in placing 263 individuals in one of the 11 domestic violence shelters operating in the Valley.
In addition, the agency served 700 individuals with telephone counseling or referral services. Recently, JFCS added a domestic violence advocate to its staff to help individuals deal with law enforcement and legal agencies. The Shelter Without Walls serves both Jewish and non-Jewish families.
The JWI report suggests that Jewish women may be more reticent about issues of domestic abuse and more hesitant about asking for assistance. The study showed that Jewish women often delay seeking help or do not seek help at all. Abuse is viewed as a shanda, a shame, and respondents voiced fears of losing their children in custody battles or suffering financial adversity, for themselves but especially for their children.
"We are a family-oriented tradition so it makes it harder for people to leave a situation for their own safety," says Rabbi Bonnie Koppell of Temple Beth Sholom in Chandler. Often victims feel that "any marriage is better than no marriage."
The JWI study suggests that such resistance to seeking assistance often causes the community to miss signs of abuse.
"The myth that Jewish families are immune from abuse enables a system of missed cues and limited responses thereby blocking early intervention," the study states.
It also indicates that Jewish women are more likely to confide in friends and family members or seek help from a private psychotherapist than turn to emergency shelter services. Therefore, they often miss out on critical support services and are left alone to navigate the maze of social programs to secure temporary financial assistance, health insurance, transitional housing, child care and counseling.
The JFCS program was devised to facilitate that access on an outpatient basis.
"We help them get through the system to get what they need," says Huhn.
Project Chai, developed by Chrysalis, which operates two shelters and provides transitional housing around the Valley, was created to meet similar needs, but specifically within the Jewish community, explains Patricia Klahr, executive director. The project provides outpatient counseling services, including individual and group therapy and child-centered play therapy, for men, women and children as well as extensive referral services.
Leah Bernstein oversees the project that was conceived when an anonymous donor saw the need and provided initial funding.
Bernstein, a licensed professional counselor who works with the 20 or so families who participate in Project Chai, says that the program began as a group meeting at a local synagogue. But when participants expressed discomfort at meeting together in a public place, it gradually developed into individual sessions held at the Chrysalis offices.
The appeal of the program remains the same: its Jewish genesis and flavor. "There is a feeling of understanding, of companionship," says Bernstein. Yiddishisms often color conversation and discussion often surrounds Jewish holidays or themes.
Most of the clients are referred by others who have availed themselves of the services.
"We speak the same language," says Bernstein of her ability to connect. "It truly comes down to dealing with family."
One woman, who asked that her name not be used, says she sought out Chrysalis and Project Chai because of its Jewish focus. She credits the counseling and support she has received with "helping me move ahead with my life."
The JWI study concludes that such services are critical and calls on the community to take an active role in speaking out against domestic abuse and advocating for services for victims and their families.
Local rabbis say they are aware of the problem and the need to send a message that they are available for counseling and support.
"We want people to come forward," says Charnow of Temple Chai. "We can help them."
Straus notes that sometimes congregants just need a sympathetic ear, and sometimes they need a referral for crisis intervention.
Rabbinic training in recognizing abuse and providing appropriate counseling, a JWI priority, is becoming an essential part of seminary curricula.
But while training and education are key, Koppell expresses frustration at the deplorable lack of emergency resources.
"I have had the experience of dialing every single shelter (in the Valley for a congregant) and finding no beds," she says. "We need the community resources to provide places to go."
And we need a community that will not countenance abusive behavior and will act on that credo.
The concept of shalom bayit is something we are taught to aspire to, Rabbi Zvi Holland of the Phoenix Community Kollel reminds.
"A house of peace is an ideal Jewish household," he explains. Domestic abuse of any kind is intolerable from the Torah's perspective.
"It is incumbent on friends, rabbis and leaders to ensure that we can support and reach out to people in abusive relationships."
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