Mourners need an ear, not advice
MICHAEL MIKLOFSKY
Staff Writer
People deal with death in different ways, some keep to themselves, refusing to put themselves in any situation that would remind them of the one they lost, while others will use their period or mourning to reach out to others.
That's what Rabbi Jeffrey Lipschultz did.
Lipschultz, a Phoenix native who is now rabbi at Temple Beth Sholom in Chula Vista, Calif., lost his brother, David, on Jan. 3 from an injury sustained while skiing.
During a Yom Kippur Yizkor service on Sept. 25, Lipschultz opened up to his congregation, sharing with them his own loss, as together they remembered their loved ones who had died.
Yizkor services are held during Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Passover and Shavuot.
"Today for the first time in my life I stand with everyone at this Yizkor service as a mourner looking to add my brother's name to the catalogues of people we love who are not here today to comfort us," Lipschultz told the congregation as he began the memorial service.
"As I stand here today, I can't explain what goes through our minds as we read this list of those we have lost," he said. "Many here have lost a husband, a wife, mother, father, and, yes, some even lost children. We pretend in our sanitary life that such tragedy does not seem real but it is, it happens, and we are left to recover."
In his sermon, Lipschultz said that he is constantly reaching out for answers as to why his brother was taken, and he used his own experience to help others through their grieving.
"I have been speaking daily to my brother wanting that last moment," he said. "Today we all get the chance to say goodbye to those we love one more time."
But words may not seem to be enough, especially when someone unfamiliar with your family is paying a condolence call.
Shirley Jacobs says that with all of the loss that she has survived, condolence calls have helped her show the great strength and closeness that her family has.
She recalls that when her mother died, her family gathered to sit shiva at her brother and sister-in-law's house. A woman said to Jacobs, "Well, it won't be the same anymore now that your mom's gone," suggesting that the rest of the family wouldn't remain as close.
Jacobs responded, "Let me tell you something: we don't just love each other, we like each other," then turned around and walked away.
It is that same punchy, quick wit that has allowed Jacobs to stay positive despite the many losses she has suffered.
According to Douglas Jardine, a licensed marriage and family therapist, there is a right way and a wrong way to comfort someone who is in mourning, or sitting shiva.
"I think good listening is probably more important than anything you say. As people created in God's image, it's our job to express the divine compassion and concern and we do that best by listening, maybe we pray with the person," says Jardine, who has worked as a therapist in the Valley for the past 10 years. He facilitates the bereavement group at Temple Chai.
"We can certainly ask them what might be helpful at this time. If they're willing to talk about the person that has just died, it's our job to really be present," he adds.
"Offering advice is usually a poor idea, telling people how we've handled it is a poor idea, the reason is because everybody's grief experience is different and people go through the experience differently. Just as every individual is unique, so is every relationship unique. So if we offer advice, we run risk of saying something that won't be helpful at all."
Contact the writer here
|