October 1, 2004/Tishri 6 5765, Vol. 57, No. 5
Bat mitzvah challenging for parent, childBETH OLSONWatching our kids grow up and make their own mistakes is tough. It's a natural instinct to protect our children and ensure their well-being, but it's also important to stand back at times and let them deal with the consequences of their actions.While this is an issue that all parents deal with, it has never been such a challenge for me with my own children as it has been since my oldest daughter has been preparing for her bat mitzvah. While she works on her blessings, prayers and Haftorah every day, it seems to me that she's not putting in enough time, and I definitely have concerns about her not being prepared. From talking to friends who have recently experienced a bar or bat mitzvah in their family, I find that my feelings and frustrations are normal, but somehow that doesn't make me worry any less. My daughter has told me that more than one older friend has told her that they wished they spent more time in preparing for their b'nai mitzvah. And while she says she wants to be thoroughly prepared, I'm not seeing her follow through. And I also wonder if she understands the magnitude of "eight weeks" in the same way that I do. Every day I reflect on how thankful I am to have a 13-year-old daughter who is bright, sweet and loving - who does well in school, has many extracurricular interests and who is compassionate and kind. The talking back, unpleasant attitude and withdrawal that many parents have promised me will come with the teen years have not yet arisen with my daughter. However, the bat mitzvah preparation has been a major struggle for us. I want her to understand that this isn't just her day. Of course, it is her day, but it's also a very significant event for our entire family. Even in the areas where I have intervened, it's unclear to me how much pressure to apply. I ask her to practice for her bat mitzvah daily, but don't impose requirements on how much time she spends on it. The result is that she really doesn't spend more than a few minutes a day. Sometimes I've heard her tutor's tape of the Haftorah and gone in her room to find her listening - kind of - while she is instant messaging on the computer. While I suppose this is better than nothing, it's not exactly the traditional approach to bat mitzvah preparation that I had envisioned. Over the summer we spent several hours together studying her Torah portion, but I'm unwilling to walk her through her speech (although I imagine I'll spend a good amount of time editing with her when she's done). The result? She only has a few paragraphs written and only a few weeks left to go. Although I must say that she is not thoroughly unprepared. She has been attending weekly tutoring sessions for nearly six months. And, fortunately, we belong to a small congregation in Chandler, where there is a great deal of personal attention. The b'nai mitzvah students are called on to participate in services every week, which not only gives them time to practice the prayers and blessings, but also to stand before a crowd and "perform." In addition, the rabbi meets will every b'nai mitzvah student for four hour-long sessions, working on Torah study and evaluating progress. This has been invaluable for many of us - while kids may not care what their parents think, it's a whole different thing to let down the rabbi. It hasn't all been a struggle. Our synagogue's requirement that b'nai mitzvah students attend both Friday evening and Saturday morning services each week has resulted in new friendships for my daughter, which in turn has led to her looking forward to attending services - even though she wasn't thrilled when she was at the beginning of the mandatory attendance period. As the date draws closer, I find myself more willing to apply pressure - and consequences - for not adequately preparing. This seems like the perfect time, while there are still two months left to study. Despite all of my concerns, I am definitely looking forward to my daughter's bat mitzvah and the opportunity to share it with all of our family and friends, and I know that whatever the extent of preparation is, my daughter will shine on the bimah on her special day. Beth Olson lives in Chandler with her husband and two daughters. |
