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August 27, 2004/Elul 10 5763, Vol. 55, No. 49
Children need love, limits, involvement
Torah study
SHLOMO RISKIN
Parshat Ki Tetze Deuteronomy 21:10-25:19
What defines a "wayward and rebellious" child? How is he to be punished? Whose fault is it - his, his parents', society's? The words in this week's Torah portion are harsh: "If a man has a wayward and rebellious child, who does not listen to the voice of his father and the voice of his mother, and they warn and flog him, but he still does not obey them, then his parents may take him out to the judges of the city, telling them that 'our son is wayward and rebellious, he does not obey our voice, he is a glutton and a drunkard,' upon which all the people of the city pelt him with stones and he dies, so that you rout out the evil in your midst, and all of Israel will take heed and be frightened" (Deuteronomy 21:18-21).
Modern commentaries argue that the Bible is actually limiting an ancient practice in which parents had unrestricted authority over their children, even to the extent of putting rebellious children to death, and that here the waywardness is defined, the time span limited and the Judges consulted. Nevertheless, the axiom of "punishing now for what will inevitably happen later on" runs counter to our biblical and judicial systems, and is countermanded by a famous Midrash.
The Bible tells us that Sarah, the wife of Abraham, believes Ishmael, the son of Abraham's mistress Hagar, is a bad influence on her son Isaac, and that God agrees to banish Hagar and Ishmael to the desert. An angel sees them wandering, hungry and thirsty, and comforts Hagar: "Do not fear; God has heard the (crying) voice of the lad from where he is now" (Genesis 21:9-17). Rashi writes: "'From where he is now' (means) he is judged in accord with his present actions and not for what he will eventually do."
The Talmud sets many more limitations upon the case of the rebellious child, making it virtually impossible to execute judgment against him.
Children deserve to receive time and attention from parents - and quantity time is the real definition of quality time. If parents are not personally and significantly involved in the development of their child, then the child cannot be blamed or punished for becoming wayward or rebellious, according to the Talmud.
Moreover, the mother and father must be "equal in voice, appearance and stature." They must provide a single message of values and lifestyle to which they themselves subscribe, and they must act in concert and harmony in providing a unified household. Father and mother must be fit for each other, as mixed parental messages and models also remove culpability guilt from the child. Finally, if either parent is unwilling to bestow punishment, the child will not be punished.
A few words regarding Ishmael: There were many reasons for his expiation by God. For one, Abraham and Hagar did not provide a unified standard of behavior and values, the two were not fit for each other, the son of the primary wife was slated to be the familial heir and recipient of the birthright, and Ishmael himself eventually repents. Most importantly, God ultimately forgives Ishmael. The Talmud teaches that there are three parents to every child - mother, father and God. If flesh-and-blood parents can prevent execution, God certainly has the right to stay the execution.
Only God knows that the genetic make-up of the child may be of such a nature, or that a traumatic event ruptured his personality, so that neither he nor his parents can be held culpable. But whatever the case, it is crucial that parents do all they can to give their children three things that every child deserves: love, limits and personal involvement.
Rabbi Shlomo Riskin is the founder of Efrat, Israel.
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