Happy couples share their advice

Commitment, respect bind couples forever

JENNIFER GOLDBERG
Staff Writer

Getting married is easy; staying married is hard. Through richer and poorer, sickness and health, better and worse, couples whose marriages stand the test of time generally have a trick or two up their sleeves to stay together when times get tough.

Some local Jewish couples recently wrote in to share their hard-learned marriage advice with the soon-to-be-wed. From celebrating what makes each partner unique, making time for "date night" and (of course) never going to bed angry, the following guidance represents more than 150 years of "happily ever after."

"I simply cannot miss the opportunity to share some advice with young people who are planning on spending the rest of their lives together.

"My husband and I were married on Nov. 11, 1945. We will be celebrating our 59th wedding anniversary this year, and the most important message we can give (which was told to us by my beloved mother-in-law) is: Never go to bed angry.

"We have since added some of our own advice. Always keep the lines of communication open. Show mutual respect. Retain a sense of humor and don't let little things get blown out of proportion.

"As a result of this advice, we have had and still have a very happy marriage."

Elaine and Peter Slap
Phoenix
Married Nov. 11, 1945

"As we are approaching our 20th wedding anniversary, I am often asked, 'would I change anything and would I still marry my husband if I could turn back the clock?' My answer is always, 'I would never change anything. I married a wonderful husband and incredible father to our kids.'

"Anyone getting married should know that a true marriage is a partnership of two people, and once you have children, it is a partnership of your entire family. You give and take in a relationship. It is as simple as that.

"That's why mutual respect is a key to any successful marriage. It is important to remember the foundation from which your relationship is based and never forget what brought the two of your together. For David and I, we had nine years together before we had children. Now that we have three children (11, 8 and 5), we still find time to be together, to enjoy our family time as well as our alone time. Finding the essential balance is the key to a happy family life and for that, we are truly blessed."

Amy and David Dodell
Scottsdale
Married July 15, 1984

"The secret of a happy marriage? Trust, being the other's best friend and lots of communication. If you're having struggles, seek professional help, together and separately. Don't build or remodel a house - it brings too many arguments over money.

"Spoil your partner, and he or she will hopefully spoil you. Treat him or her like you were still dating after all these years, put makeup on even on Sunday mornings, try to keep your figure, find common hobbies - even if they are silly like shopping together, going to the movies, exercising, or going to the market on a Saturday night.

"Have fun, always send love notes, don't argue in front of the kids, never mention the 'D' word, go on 'date night' once a week or once a month, and say 'I love you' - especially in front of the kids."

Gail Zucker (formerly married to the late Cary Zucker)
Phoenix
Married May 1981

"I am Ashkenazic, he is Sephardic. I'm neat, he's a mess. I do things in advance, he's last-minute. I judge things fast, he waits patiently. I am not social, he's very social. I dramatize everything, he ignores the unimportant (I have high blood pressure, he doesn't). I am perfect, he's trying to be.

"A happy marriage is work, commitment, values and beliefs. While our marriage is full of good times and bad, our main ingredient is our strong belief in God. It has always been our guide, way of life, and the foundation we have passed to our children. God blessed us with five children, 16 grandchildren and six great-grandchildren. I still wait for my husband to come home, so I can share my day with him, as eagerly as I did 50 years ago. I talk; I'm not sure he listens.

"There are no shortcuts to a happy marriage; for over 50 years we have worked hard every day. We pray that God will bless us with many more years."

Odette and Rabbi David Rebibo
Phoenix
Married May 31, 1953

"We believe the prayer "Unesaneh Tokef" proclaims that on Rosh Hashana will be inscribed and on Yom Kippur will be sealed the destination of a person, in our case two people in love. This prayer laid the foundation for a happy marriage when Alan Schneider asked Lois Golub to marry him as they stood on the bima of the Sun Lakes Jewish Congregation one Rosh Hashana.

"We got married between the holy days and once again on Yom Kippur recited the prayer on the bima before the Torah and the Sun Lakes Jewish Congregation. This time we were married and the marriage was sealed with happiness and endless love.

"In order to make a relationship last, you must put it first. It is one of the many reasons, in our opinion, Judaism has survived; Judaism will survive through our making it first, as will our marriage: filled with love, happiness and all with the blessings of Hashem. At our home we light it up eternally with the true meaning of "Shalom Bayit." Making our relationship 'first' creates a strong foundation and guarantees a peaceful home filled with love, Baruch Hashem."

Lois and Alan Schneider
Scottsdale
Married Sept. 11, 1994

"Marriage is to some extent like a good piece of literature. Great novels rarely follow a single theme. The expectation of chapter after chapter of joy and happiness is no more realistic than books where one catastrophe follows another.

"Expect your marriage, if it is to be successful, to be filled with a diverse range of incidents and emotions. Try not to define its success or failure by any single event.

"Know that there will be times of great joy and times of sadness. There will be events that trigger unbridled happiness and those that will evoke anger that may seem very alien to you.

"You will experience periods where you simply cannot believe how happy you are and there may be times when the person you have chosen seems to have little in common with you.

"But, like a great novel you must be able to look back on the pages you have written and conclude that it kept you interested and that you looked forward to turning each page. Each chapter should evoke some laughter, some tears, or simply greater insight into a developing relationship. Hopefully, the two separate persons will grow to be better, not only as a pair, but as distinct individuals.

"And hopefully, after many years you will still seek it out and read it again, simply because of the pleasure you received from reliving it."

Judy and Philip Goldberg
Phoenix
Married May 10, 2003

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