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June 11, 2004/Sivan 22 5764, Vol. 56, No. 38
Get untangled from Web of bad dates
AMY KLEIN
Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles
Evan Marc Katz has never had a bad Internet date. Well, except for the time his date had an aneurysm - and that was hardly his fault, was it? OK, aside from the time that Katz's blind date had a seizure, he's never had a bad Internet date. That's because he follows his own rules culled from five years of online dating (on seven different sites) as well as working at Internet Web sites.
Now the 31-year-old screenwriter has parlayed his experience into E-Cyrano - an online dating consulting service, which, among other things, writes clients' essays for their profiles. He's also the author of "I Can't Believe I'm Buying This Book: A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating" (Ten Speed Press, $14.95 paperback), a cheeky, practical how-to book for newbies and old-timers.
Jewish Journal: Is Jewish dating different from regular online dating?
Evan Marc Katz: I think people take it just a little bit more seriously. I think that the quality of people on JDate is generally a little bit higher quality, something endemic to Judaism is insularity and where they place their values: family, education, tradition. For people who stay within the tribe ... it's the name brand.
JJ: Has the Internet taken the place of the Jewish community?
EMK: It's created a different sense of community. It's not a replacement for anything - it's a supplement. ... It's another way for people to meet people. But it's not a replacement.
JJ: Do you think it's disingenuous for E-Cyrano to write someone's profile?
EMK: To me, it's the equivalent of a resumé. If you're making up jobs on a resumé, that's no good; if you're trying to put together a resume that would distinguish me from the pack, that's good.
We're just writing down what people say. I think a lot of people don't know why they're interesting.
JJ: Have you ever gone on a bad date?
EMK: I think that these car wrecks can be avoided, if you're looking a little bit farther ahead. ... Your love life is as serious as your work life and you should take it as seriously. I do think that the more you put in, the more you get out.
JJ: What does it mean to be a successful online dater? You're not married, and yet you're writing this book.
EMK: You are a success in online dating if you are consistently meeting good people and enjoying the process. It's not the Internet's job to legislate whether people are compatible, or of finding "the one," but if you're meeting good people, it's just a matter of time. You attract what you put out there - if you have a negative outlook in your profile, that's not all that attractive, is it?
JJ: Do you think that online dating has ruined dating? Do you think it's made people tired of dating?
EMK: It does become somewhat addicting, and because there is always someone else, it makes it easier to revolve ... it has to do with the medium - the ease with which we meet people. People become disposable. That revolving door is only going to stop when you decide to do it. I've heard a woman who says, "I'm not doing this anymore," and to me that's like having a bad meal at a restaurant and going on a hunger strike. Place it in perspective - you never have to go on a bad date if you take your time and you're a good judge of character. If you're going on five dates a week, that doesn't show much confidence that you think anything's going to work out. Slow down. You take control of this medium instead of letting it take control of you.
Visit www.e-cyrano.com.
A reader responds: A successful JDate
I am writing on behalf of my husband and me. We are older - both of us are over 50 - and we met on JDate just over one year ago.
All I can say to your readers about Internet dating is that while there may be frustrations and perhaps a heartbreak or two - and yes, you do have to be careful and use common sense - it is an effective way to meet your bashert (intended one). At 52, I was absolutely surprised that we came together this way, but when it is meant to be, it happens.
Did I meet some stinkers? Yes. Would I still recommend this method as one of many ways to meet your match? Yes. Advice: When you write your profile be totally honest about who you are, including posting a current photo of yourself.
It is important to remain flexible. For example, I was open to relocation. Yes, I had lived in one place for many years, but it was more important to me to find my match than it was to be rigid in my boundaries. I was keeping all of my options open, but I was not willing to "settle" or sell out in any way. You just cannot live an honest existence within a relationship unless you are free to be who and what you are with a loving, nonjudgmental partner.
Bottom line: You will attract the right person if you say what you want in life and who you are.
Caren
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