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April 2, 2004/Nisan 11 5764, Vol. 56, No. 28
Time to reflect on dayenu
BETH OLSON
Staff Writer
The Jewish holidays provide perfect occasions to reflect on different aspects of our role as parents.
Passover's lessons are plentiful, but particularly relevant in today's society is the concept of dayenu or "it is enough."
During the seder, we sing "Dayenu," recognition of the many blessings God bestowed upon the Jews at the time of the Exodus. It's also an opportunity to reflect upon all of the blessings in our own lives and to teach our children how to be grateful - not for their new Sony Playstation, but for the things that really matter in life, such as family, friends, health, freedom and good fortune. But simply discussing the concept of being grateful once a year at Passover isn't really teaching our children a life lesson. As parents we need to be sure that we're regularly teaching them how to be thankful in their daily lives.
It's hard for our children - who grow up with a life of privilege and have no concept of what it means to go without - to really understand what it means to be grateful. Of course, children learn by example. If we take some time out of our hectic lives to reflect on the things we have to be thankful for, our kids will learn to do the same.
When my oldest was about 4, I read a parenting book that suggested taking time each week to do "acknowledgements," where the family takes time to acknowledge each other for things they have done during the week for which they are grateful. We have no set rules in our house about how we do acknowledgments, but I have established rules for myself - I give each family member at least one acknowledgement and I try to make them meaningful and specific.
While my 6-year-old's acknowledgements are still self-centered ("I'd like to acknowledge Grandma for buying me a bike" or "I'd like to acknowledge my sister for giving me candy"), I've seen my 12-year-old grow and mature and begin to share some more meaningful things. When she says, "I'd like to acknowledge mom and dad for providing us with food" or "I'd like to acknowledge dad for spending time with me last weekend," I can see that she's learned what has true value in life.
This doesn't mean that my 6-year-old hasn't learned any lessons about being thankful. Each day as we drive home from school, we see several homeless people on the freeway exit ramps. Every day she asks the same questions: Why don't they have any money? Why don't they have a home? How do they get food? Where are their families? Just the nature of her questions, and the fact that she doesn't ask why they don't have a pool or SUV, shows me that she is beginning to have a deeper level of understanding.
Lately I've been reading the work of parenting guru Dr. Becky Bailey, who reminds us that "what you focus on, you get more of." If her premise is true, what do our kids learn to value when we focus on having the newest car, the biggest house and the latest gadgets? To me, that sends a message to focus on more, bigger and better.
On the other hand, what if we put our focus on love, acceptance, connecting with other people and tikkun olam? Whose life couldn't take more of that?
My husband has participated in the Y-Princess father-daughter program at the YMCA with both of my daughters. The six years he participated with my older daughter were filled with tent camping, hiking and exploring the Arizona outdoors. Not only did it strengthen the relationship between the two of them, but my daughter really learned to appreciate the outdoors and the value of a more simplistic life.
However, things have changed in a few short years. Now my youngest comes back from the trips reporting that the girls spent their days in an RV "as big as a house" watching movies on satellite and DVD. Do the girls still have fun? Sure, they do. But I think they're missing out on something so much greater - spending quality time with their dads, making meaningful connections with the other girls, and learning that life is about a lot more than who has the newest, biggest, coolest toys.
So while Passover is a wonderful time to reflect on the things for which we are thankful, it is also the perfect opportunity to begin to make real changes in our daily lives.
Contact the writer at beth_olson@jewishaz.com.
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