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February 13, 2004/Shevat 21 5764, Vol. 56, No. 21
From flings to troths
VICKI CABOT
Contributing Editor
What counts as a happy ending?
For avid "Sex and the City" fans, the question is ever more pressing as the countdown to the last episode of the wildly popular HBO series looms. Will Carrie Bradshaw marry? If so, whom? And most importantly, does such a union presume a happy ending?
Viewers won't have an answer for another two weeks (the final episode airs Feb. 22), but with love in the air - whether you mark Valentine's Day or not, the scent of romance, roses and otherwise, predominates - the question of coupling, married or not, heterosexual, or not, has become a national preoccupation. Even President Bush is worried about marital status - or the status of marriage - calling recently for billions of dollars for programs promoting marriage. A boondoggle to pacify conservatives and temporarily stall the drive for a constitutional amendment to outlaw gay marriage? Maybe. Another governmental intrusion? You bet. But the message that marriage is indeed a positive state, is, well, positive.
Just take a look at the widely quoted 50 percent divorce rate, the troubling statistics on marital satisfaction, the diminishing percentage of married adults (down to 56 percent from 68 percent, according to the New York Times). Add to that the romanticization of singlehood, the raging debate about Carrie's marital status and the fierce defense of the benefits of independence, connubiality, and otherwise. Then take a look at the J.Lo/Ben Affleck betrothal, and the infamous 55-hour Britney Spears marriage. No wonder commitment phobia has reached near epidemic proportion.
If we still believe in wedded bliss - and I do - then we need all the help we can get. So what to say about marriage? That it is special. That it gets better with age. That there is enduring truth in the teaching that it is not good for man to be alone - or woman. That the vagaries of life - its intense joys and intense sorrows - are better shared with a partner. That marriage provides shelter in an ever more stressful, ever more frightening world. And that a good marriage provides plenty of room for both partners to grow, even as they nurture their oneness.
Maurice Lamm, in his seminal "The Jewish Way of Love and Marriage" (Jonathan David Publishers, $18.95 paperback), uses the Hebrew word yichud to describe the love that creates a marriage. "Together alone," is how he depicts the marital relationship.
It is that kind of commitment that lasts, that makes a marriage a marriage, that defines the difference between a fling and a troth. And it is that kind of marriage that needs careful tending and consistent attention, a little romance and a lot of love.
There are no guarantees that Carrie will find her happy ending, married or not. But rest assured that if she does, that if she is looking for a satisfying marriage, then roses and chocolates on Valentine's Day are only the beginning.
Contact the writer at vicki_cabot@jewishaz.com.
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