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February 6, 2004/Shevat 14 5764, Vol. 56, No. 20
First comes love, then comes marriage...
'Secrets' to successful family life
LILA BALTMAN
Special to The Jewish News
One of my favorite movies of all time, right up there with "The Goodbye Girl" and "Tootsie," is the romantic comedy "When Harry Met Sally."
I love watching the interview scenes in the movie, where the older couples sit together on a love seat and explain how they met and fell in love.
"I just knew," says one of the ladies. "I knew the way you know about a good melon."
For me, it's been seven years since I married Rick, my "good melon."
Rick and I met 10 years ago when I had just graduated from college and was working part-time as a tour guide at a Jewish Community Center in Fairfax, Virginia.
I gave Rick a tour of the JCC - just the two of us - and I very wisely told him about "Seinfeld Night," an upcoming singles event. He attended the event, and eventually asked for my phone number.
We started dating, "yada, yada, yada," and got married two years later.
Seven years and two beautiful sons later, Rick and I have a happy and loving marriage, but like many young couples with small children, we often wonder what the "secrets" are to a happy, long-lasting home.
We want to know what we need to do to get to that love seat 50 years from now, holding hands with one another, while we recount our "Seinfeld story" to anyone who will listen. That is our goal.
I interviewed three married Jewish couples that I know from Hadassah Valley of the Sun, who have all achieved this lofty goal of a long and happy marriage.
When Jerry Met Rose...
Jerry and Rose Schildkraut met at a birthday party in Brooklyn in 1948, when Rose was just 15 and Jerry was 17.
"When I walked into the room, I saw this guy walking toward me and his first words to me were, 'I don't know you, but I am going to marry you,' " says Rose, smiling. "I thought he was crazy or drunk."
Two years later, they were married.
As Rose tells it, "Our love, understanding and mutual respect for each other brought us through the difficult times. We've made it a point never to go to bed angry with one another."
In fact, hanging on the wall in their bedroom is a framed copy of "Moon Over Miami." That was the song they first danced to together at the birthday party.
Both Rose and Jerry agree that this stage of their marriage is by far the easiest and the most enjoyable. "Let's face it, we have less to argue about now. It's wonderful," says Jerry with a laugh.
Jerry and Rose have three daughters, three grandchildren, and have been married now for 53 years.
When Seymour Met Vivian...
Seymour and Vivian Salit met in 1947 in the Catskill Mountains in New York. Vivian's mother and grandparents owned a small family-type hotel in the Catskills and she worked there every summer. One weekend, Seymour arrived to visit his mother, who was vacationing there. When the two met, they just "clicked."
They were married in 1949, when Seymour was 22 and Vivian was 20.
"The key to a successful marriage is determination," says Vivian. "Seymour was raised by his mother. His father died when he was 3 months old and he never knew a father. My parents were divorced when I was 3 years old and I lived with my grandparents. So we were motivated to make marriage work and work well."
Vivian says the keys to a successful marriage are, "Love, good sex, understanding, emotional support, growing up together, mutual interests and ambitions, similar tastes, enjoying each other's company, and good relationships with our relatives on both sides. All of these elements contributed to making our marriage work."
When asked if Judaism played a significant role in the raising of their three children, they both answered with a firm "yes."
"Judaism has always been part of our lives," says Vivian. "The children went to Hebrew School and we were members of the synagogue. Passover and other holidays were great occasions in our home. We lived in a large apartment building in Manhattan as the children were growing up with an extended family in other apartments. Seymour's brother and his family, Seymour's mother, my mother, three aunts and two uncles all lived in the building and participated in our lives."
She added that, "Our children are our joy now - we speak to each of them daily, sometimes several times a day." In addition to having three grandchildren, two years ago, Vivian and Seymour celebrated the birth of their first great-grandchild.
"We, and from our example, also our children, were very conscious of the task for us as Jews to 'fix the world,' and so we were always very active in the community and in politics and to reach out to help others," says Vivian. "It is still continuing with all members of our family. Our grandchildren are now in the pattern."
Seymour and Vivian have been married now for 55 years.
When Chuck Met Lynne...
Chuck and Lynne Foreman of Scottsdale met at a high school dance in 1962 when they were both sophomores in Laurelton, Queens.
"When my father picked me up from the dance, I told him that I had met the man I was going to marry," says Lynne. Five years later, she did.
When asked how she and Chuck handled the rough times of marriage, Lynne responded, "We have always shared everything, including problems, and we have always been there for each other. When one of us has been down, the other has always taken over more of the share of responsibilities."
She added, "We also share the same values, similar backgrounds and we share similar interests. We enjoy being with each other and we respect each other's space. We are each other's best friend. We also like to have friends as couples so we can do things together. We also really like each other in addition to loving each other."
When I asked them to give me their best advice on raising children, they told me, "Parents are their children's advocates. When you have children, both parents need to understand that their children must now come first. That means foregoing adult activities at times and being completely unselfish where your children are concerned.
"However, it is also so important that couples have time alone together without the children. Whether this entails a movie and dinner or just taking a walk together in the evening, you need some time alone together as a couple. Also, each parent needs his and her individual alone time too."
Chuck and Lynne have two sons, two grandsons, and have been married for 37 years.
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