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February 6, 2004/Shevat 14 5764, Vol. 56, No. 20
Bat mitzvah planning presents challenges
BETH OLSON
Staff Writer
I'm planning my first bat mitzvah.
My oldest daughter will turn 13 this summer and she will become a bat mitzvah at the end of November - Thanksgiving weekend, to be precise.
The e-mails have been sent to family and close friends to reserve the date, a tutor has been secured, and we've already carved out a bit of time each evening in which we've been practicing the blessings, prayers and Hebrew reading. I've even been in contact with a few caterers for the oneg and kiddish.
So far, so good.
Now the real challenges are looming in front of me. First is the service itself.
Although we are raising our children as Jews, my husband and his family are not Jewish. So, there is the struggle to incorporate everyone into the experience in a meaningful way. Of course I want all of my daughter's grandparents to share this important day with her, but I also want everyone to feel comfortable with their level of participation.
In fact, there will likely be more than a dozen non-Jewish family members attending the service. Throw in some non-Jewish friends and you end up with a very unusual Shabbat service crowd.
I've seen some very nice guides to the service - varying greatly in length and detail - at other b'nai mitzvah ceremonies. I'm definitely leaning toward erring on the side of too much information. I've also been considering the thought of mailing a copy of the guide to all non-Jewish family members prior to the bat mitzvah, thinking of the few times I've been to Catholic weddings or baptisms and felt nervous and unsure about what to expect. I want the experience to be pleasurable for everyone and definitely not a source of stress, or even worse, dread.
Fortunately, I still have several months to consider how to handle the aspects of the ceremony itself.
What there's less time to get started on is the party - the biggest challenge of all. While most of us step back and remind ourselves about what is really important (which are, of course, the traditional and religious aspects of the bat mitzvah), it's impossible to deny that for the parents, the planning of the celebration is the most time-consuming.
Friends, and even strangers, have been more than willing to share their thoughts on the celebration aspect of b'nai mitzvot. There seems to be an underlying theme to what everyone is telling me and that is that the celebration should be a good fit for the child being honored above all else.
I've heard about dozens of parties, from the standard celebration in a hotel ballroom to a more low-key party in the backyard or the social hall of the synagogue, from a "grown-up" sit-down catered meal to a party with food and activities geared to kids - and everything in between.
With my daughter in mind, I'm definitely leaning toward "small" as the key word. She's relatively shy and leans more toward a few close friends at school and religious school than a huge group to hang around with.
And while we chose Thanksgiving weekend as a convenience to our out-of-town guests, the holiday may mean that many of our friends will be unable to attend. I certainly don't want to plan for a party for 200 guests and end up with 50 in attendance.
I mentioned to her the idea of taking everyone to the dinner theater in celebration of her bat mitzvah and she was thrilled with the idea. So am I. No caterer, no centerpieces, no band or DJ, no decorations.
We'll be able to enjoy the ceremony and the learning and growing that will come along with it, without trying to throw the party of the year.
Contact the writer at beth_olson@jewishaz.com.
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