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December 12, 2003/Kislev 17 5764, Vol. 56, No. 12
Parties are the perfect time to teach etiquette
BETH OLSON
Staff Writer
Birthday parties have become big business.
I remember as a child that I didn't always have what is now considered a birthday party. Oftentimes a few kids from the neighborhood would come over and my mom would bake a cake. We might play a couple of games in the backyard, but there were no moon jumps, costumed characters, hired entertainers, petting zoos or indoor amusement parks.
Things have certainly changed. While our family friends are not into one-upmanship, it does seem that most parents want to provide a party that will be fun and memorable for their kids. In so doing, many of these parties rival the cost and planning of an elegant catered dinner party.
But rather than focusing on who can put on the most elaborate birthday party, I prefer to look at birthday parties as an entrance to the social world for my kids - and a perfect time to teach social etiquette.
There are aspects of both hosting and attending birthday parties that can lead to great lessons in being courteous and thoughtful.
For the attendee, the most important thing I think we can all teach our children is to RSVP. Last month my 6-year-old daughter invited 18 girls to her birthday party with more than two weeks advance notice. By the RSVP date listed on the invitation (two days before the party), I had only heard from half the parents. I used to assume that if someone didn't RSVP, they weren't coming, but in previous years I learned that is not necessarily so, so I spent the day calling parents I hadn't heard from. Surprisingly, of the nine parents I called, eight said they were planning on attending. Can you imagine if I had only planned on 10 girls and 17 had shown up?
So, I've taught my daughters that they need to respond to an invitation 100 percent of the time - whether they're planning to attend or not. And it's not necessary to wait until the RSVP date. If they bring an invitation home from school or get one in the mail, we try to RSVP immediately.
Another aspect of RSVPing that teaches our kids an important lesson is letting them do it themselves. By age 8 or 9, children should be making all RSVP phone calls on their own. Between the ages of 6 and 8, you can teach your child how to make those phone calls (introduce yourself, ask for the person you want to speak to, state your name again when they get on the line, explain why your calling, and say goodbye before you hang up). You can have your kids practice by responding to invitations from family members or close family friends, and once they've mastered the skills, they can take over themselves.
Hosting a birthday party for your own child opens another whole realm of etiquette.
When only a few of my children's classmates are invited to a party, I am careful to send the invitations to their home, rather than distribute them at school. If you don't have an address, it is simple enough to ask your child to get the invitee's phone number at school. I also instruct my children not to discuss the party at school - not even when they think there are only children who are invited in earshot. I ask them to think about how they would or do feel when they hear children discussing a birthday party they weren't invited to.
Each year when the children are young, I talk about etiquette at the party about a week ahead of time and then we go over it again the day of the party. Of course, different families may find different things important, but I teach my daughters to greet each guest as they arrive and introduce them to at least one other child, and, of course, to say "good-bye" and "thank you" as each guest leaves.
A big lesson for younger children is gift-opening etiquette. It's important to remind children that they need to open the card first and take their time reading it (or listening to it if they are pre-readers) before opening the gift. We also remind them to acknowledge each person as they open each gift and say "thank you." This year, when we had the gift-opening conversation, my daughter decided that she wanted to give each guest a hug after she opened their gift. Sure, the process took a little longer, but I got some great photos!
And the final absolute for birthday party etiquette? Of course, it's the thank-you note. Your child's level of participation in the note-writing process is dependent on both their age and writing ability, but as soon as they're able, they should at least be helping. At ages 1 and 2, they can use a crayon or marker to "sign" a note written by mom or dad. By age 3 or 4 they should be able to sign their name to cards (even if it's not very legible). At age 5, I had my daughters write the friend's name and sign the card, and then by age 6, they were able to copy messages that I wrote. By age 8 or so, children should be ready to take over the task completely.
Whatever size bash your child is having or attending, teaching a few simple courtesies will make the process more enjoyable for everyone.
Contact the writer at beth_olson@jewishaz.com.
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