|
|
October 24, 2003/Tishri 28 5764, Vol. 56, No. 5
Jewish parenting's new face
Dispensing old-fashioned advice, Wendy Mogel is on a roll
JULIE WIENER
New York Jewish Week
Pampered children of America, beware: If Wendy Mogel has her way, life in the modern, upper-middle-class home - in short, the typical Jewish one - is about to become a little stricter.
A child psychologist and sought-after public speaker, Mogel has become something of a celebrity in the parenting and educational worlds with her 2001 book, "The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children." (Penguin USA, $14 paperback)
Written in a breezy, accessible style chock-full of real-life examples, the book bases its advice on Jewish texts, ranging from the Bible to Talmud to Abraham Joshua Heschel. In it, Mogel, herself the mother of two teenage daughters, urges parents to assume a more authoritative role in their youngsters' lives. "Your children don't need two more tall friends. ... What they need are parents," she writes.
But a reactionary disciplinarian Mogel is not. While she calls on parents to be less indulgent with material goodies and more demanding with chores, she also wants them to ease up on the academic pressures they impose. In addition, the book urges parents to consider such traditional practices as observing Shabbat, noting that the day of rest offers an important opportunity for parents and children to share quality time - and learn about ethics.
"The Blessing of a Skinned Knee" clearly has an audience. It sold 36,000 copies in its first year in paperback - unheard of for a Jewish parenting book - and currently ranks 1,914 in sales on Amazon.com. That's miles ahead of the 67,974 placement of Anita Diamant's relatively successful and well-regarded "How to Be a Jewish Parent."
"Skinned Knee" has created considerable buzz among Jewish educators and parents, with many local schools using the book as fodder for discussion at parent meetings.
The book also has enjoyed considerable popularity among non-Jews. Mogel is a frequent speaker at secular private schools, and while she was in town recently to deliver the keynote address at the Board of Jewish Education's Early Childhood Education conference, she also taped a segment for an upcoming "Oprah" episode.
Fifteen years ago, the Los Angeles psychologist would have seemed an unlikely candidate for bringing Judaism to a mass audience. Raised in an assimilated Jewish family in which "my knowledge of non-kosher fish far exceeded my knowledge of Torah," Mogel gave Judaism little thought until 14 years ago, when on a lark, she took her 2-year-old daughter to Rosh Hashana services at a Reform temple.
Moved by the sermon, Mogel began attending a series of Judaism classes. "I took Basic Judaism three times because I didn't know anything so I kept taking it over and over again," she tells the Jewish Week, during an interview on her New York tour.
Mogel's romance with Judaism came as she was growing disenchanted with her profession. More and more, the affluent (and predominantly Jewish) parents coming to her for help seemed disappointed, rather than relieved, when test results revealed that their imperfect child was normal. "It seemed in the eyes of the parents that every child was either learning disabled, gifted or both," she says.
Mogel continued with her Jewish learning - studying with teachers ranging from fervently Orthodox to Reform - and began introducing traditional observances like Shabbat and kashrut into her home. After several years of studying on and off, she defied her psychology colleagues and accepted her rabbi's advice, taking a year away from her practice to devote herself full-time to Jewish studies.
In bringing traditional Jewish teachings and an old-fashioned, no-nonsense approach to mainstream America, Mogel is in some ways a kinder, gentler version of the notoriously combative talk-show personality, Laura "Dr. Laura" Schlessinger. Both are baby boomers who grew up in secular Jewish households in New York, settled in Los Angeles, worked in child psychology, and discovered religion relatively late in life. And both are sharp-witted public speakers who delight in poking fun at permissive, overly indulgent parents.
But while Schlessinger identifies as Orthodox and has alienated many with her anti-feminist and anti-gay stances, Mogel is a Reform Jew. And she is hardly anti-feminist. Asked whether there are Jewish texts she finds problematic, she says the traditional approach to gender "feels reactionary" to her at times.
However, "at the same time that Halacha says men can do some things women can't do, Judaism is always focused on the preciousness of individuality and the strength of every child," Mogel tells the Jewish Week.
"So I take the parts (of Jewish tradition) that feel like it takes it backwards, that are not modern, not enlightened, not life-enhancing and I balance them with all the parts that are so radically positive."
While she is critical of some aspects of the field of psychology, Mogel has not rejected it altogether. Part of what appeals to her about Judaism, she says, is its "sophisticated psychological insights about parenting."
Judaism recognizes "what humans will be if you let them go," Mogel says, noting that rather than assume people to be naturally good, Jewish practices are aimed at keeping people's negative inclinations and desires in check or channeling them into positive behavior.
While Jewish teachings may be relevant for all, Mogel thinks contemporary American Jews are particularly vulnerable to many of the parental pitfalls she describes - what she calls the "dark side of Jewish parents' love of their children and great commitment and passion."
"Jews, having been through what we've been through in the past decades and centuries can get maybe more nervous than we need to be," she says. "We overprotect our children and over-schedule them and overindulge them, and our expectations become too high for uniformly perfect achievement and our expectations too low for honor of parents."
As a mother, Mogel has not always found it easy to follow her own advice.
"I have a great difficulty reminding myself not to be my children's friend," she says. "We're all tired, we're all very busy and it's difficult to take the role of an authority and do things your children don't want you to do - you know, make rules and be depriving. And it's much easier to be a friend."
"I have to remind myself that the fifth commandment is a commandment, not a suggestion."
Mogel occasionally misses her psychology practice - something she gave up so that she would still have time for her daughters while meeting the new demands of writing and lecturing.
"I miss the intimacy, I miss being a healer and watching the changes in one person, I miss the privilege of hearing the deepest stories," she says. "Now I hear a lot of anecdotes and it's very entertaining and it's fun and I get to entertain people. I feel like a circuit preacher."
Nonetheless, "I can't imagine going back to full-time practice because I feel like my real calling is public speaking."
Jewish learning remains a regular part of the author's life. She is currently enrolled in an adult bat mitzvah class at her synagogue, Temple Israel of Hollywood, and she is excited - but humble - about the progress she's making in Hebrew.
"I'm really bad, but I can read now," she laughs. "After 10 years of study I can read like a third or fourth grader, but it's still thrilling to me to look at a word and know what it is."
Looking back, Mogel says she feels immensely grateful to have discovered Judaism.
"Organized religion is like composed music," she says. "Somebody figured it out already - it works. You have to find a way to make it fit your family and you have to find the right community, but in a world as fraught as this one is and as frightening as this one is, in many ways to have a community besides your child's school and to have things you have faith in besides your child's achievement is good for your child."
This article originally appeared in The New York Jewish Week.
|
