|
|
October 3, 2003/Tishri 7 5764, Vol. 56, No.2
It's OK to make mistakes
BETH OLSON
Staff Writer
My 5-year-old daughter is a perfectionist.
It's a tough role in this world, and I find myself often contemplating how I can help her learn not to carry this heavy burden. I try to remind her that nobody's perfect, but I feel she's still a bit short of believing me.
Recently, she began repeating an affirmation to herself: "Everybody makes mistakes because that is how we learn." While she doesn't seem like she's completely bought into the theory, it definitely seems like a step in the right direction.
Not only does my daughter expect perfection from herself, but she is also very aware of other people's mistakes. It's been tough to teach her to treat others with kindness and patience, and I've become much more aware of expressing my own impatience.
During these 10 days of repentance that will end with Yom Kippur, we are instructed to ask for forgiveness from others, from God and from ourselves. While not an easy task for anyone, forgiveness can be particularly difficult for a perfectionist and forgiving themselves may be the most challenging aspect of all.
In order to forgive yourself, you must accept that you've made mistakes. In order to do that, you must be willing to admit error. In order to admit error, you must admit to being imperfect - a tall order for someone whose sense of self is based on the drive to be perfect.
Many of us tend to deal with our children's mistakes with a heavy dose of Jewish guilt. While not a really effective technique for any child, it's particularly damaging for the perfectionist child who is already so hard on himself or herself.
My oldest daughter was born with a guilt filter. While I have (not proudly) tried to make her feel guilty on occasion, I have met only with failure. She could really care less what I think - or anyone else for that matter. This quality has both its upside and downside. I don't really worry much about peer pressure with her, but it's also an impediment to getting along with others. And when trying to look over her homework, or upon walking in her bedroom, I sometimes wish a little of her sister's perfectionism would rub off on her.
On the other hand, my daughter with the perfectionist complex feels guilty even when I'm trying to avoid making her feel that way. The slightest correction can result in a crushed spirit, and sometimes I feel like I'm walking on pins and needles when I have to make a suggestion to her.
It's not all bad, though. I never have to ask her to redo her homework because its messy and I don't have to remind her to make her best effort on anything. Her room is usually clean, and her teachers laud her classroom behavior.
But she is easily frustrated and emotional. I try to temper her frustrations with the reminder that nobody's perfect, but it's a constant struggle.
I try not to applaud her successes so much as I applaud her effort and her willingness to try something new. I also try to recognize her when she's particularly kind or patient with someone else.
And while her religious school teacher is likely to spend Sunday discussing forgiveness and repentance, I plan to use this opportunity to discuss with her the value of learning to forgive herself - to use her mistakes to learn and to grow and to become a better person. And to help her understand that making mistakes is part of being human and if people didn't make mistakes, what would we do on Yom Kippur?
Contact the writer at beth_olson@jewishaz.com.
|
