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July 4, 2003/Tamuz 4 5763, Vol. 55, No. 45
Overprotective parents hurt kids in more ways than one
BETH OLSON
Staff Writer
It is a natural parental instinct to protect our children.
However, I frequently see parents taking protection to the extreme and as a result, their children are unprepared to face the world.
The most recent example happened at my daughter's swimming lesson last week. The teacher took the young swimmers (my daughter and one other girl) into a deeper area of the pool. While they are certainly not water-safe yet, both girls could swim from one end of the pool to the other without assistance. The teacher took them to work on new strokes in the deeper area, so the girls would not rely on being able to touch the bottom.
The mother of the other child quickly ran over to the teacher and told her that she doesn't allow her child in the "deep end" of the pool and asked her to please move back to the area where the children could stand on their own.
The teacher then explained her reasoning to the mom, to no avail.
After a five-minute conversation (during a 25-minute class), the teacher moved the girls to an area where they could touch the bottom. For the rest of the class, every time they worked on new strokes, my daughter would stop midway and rest - the very action the teacher was trying to prevent.
It's important to mention that the pool is fully staffed with lifeguards and ratio in the swim class was 2:1. Additionally, the teachers are well trained and certainly would not do anything to jeopardize the health or safety of the children.
I felt extremely frustrated. What right did that mother have to make a decision that would negatively affect my child?
And doesn't she consider the negative impact on her own daughter? In a single overprotective incident, she has zapped her daughter's confidence.
The next day, the little girl refused to get in the pool at all and cried for several minutes at the edge until her mother rescued her. She sat and watched the rest of the class and never got back in the pool.
I'm sure the mother's intention in not letting her daughter go into the deep end was to protect her, but if her daughter grows up being scared of water and unable to swim, how safe is she?
No matter what extreme lengths you may go to protect your children, it is impossible to create a completely safe environment. While you should take reasonable measures to keep your children safe and healthy, being overprotective prevents children from experiencing life, both the positive and the challenges.
I once had a friend who was so overprotective that she wouldn't let her daughter play on the play structures at the park. While I know that her intentions were good, the result was extremely negative for her daughter - at 6, she was the only first-grader in her class who couldn't start herself on the swings or make her way across the monkey bars. To this day she is not a very physically active child.
And what was the worst that could happen? Yes, she could fall and get a cut or bruise or even break a limb - all injuries that could heal in a few weeks. But the message that the mother was sending, that the child can't handle the physical exploration that all the other children can, is a shot to her confidence that may never heal.
Parents don't just tend to be overprotective in terms of physical harm to their children. I also see parents go overboard in protecting their children's feelings. You know the ones. Those parents who change dance studios because their daughter didn't make the dance company or who quit the soccer team because their child isn't a starter.
There was an incident a few years ago where my daughter's whole class was invited to a party - except for two students. While the mother of the birthday girl was obviously wrong in allowing her daughter to exclude two children, the parents of the two girls handled it in entirely different ways. One called the mother of the birthday girl and demanded that her child be included, which she was - begrudgingly. The other mom let her daughter hurt, consoling her, but not interfering. Did the first mom prevent her daughter from hurting? Of course not. The emotional pain came from not being invited in the first place. All that child learned was that she's not emotionally strong enough to handle rejection and that her mom will always step in to take care of her.
If as an adult that girl isn't invited to the wedding of a co-worker, will she expect her mom to call and insist on an invitation?
All children need an opportunity to explore the world physically and emotionally without constant interference from their parents in order to become confident, responsible and independent adults.
Contact the writer at beth_olson@jewishaz.com
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