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April 4, 2003/Nisan 2 5763, Vol. 55, No. 32
War weighs on parents' minds
BETH OLSON
Staff Writer
For the past few weeks, everyone's mind has been on the war in Iraq, even our children's.
While there has been a proliferation of advice in the media from professionals, I often find myself thinking that the recommendations aren't particularly helpful. Most suggestions are simply common sense and, unfortunately, the generalizations offered to parents in "How to Talk to Your Kids About War" brochures don't necessarily apply to real families and real kids.
The common theme is to reassure your children. Well, every parent wants to reassure their children, but the challenge is how. No two children are comforted in the same way (one of my kids gets kicked in the face in dance class and keeps on dancing, the other harps for two weeks about the bug bite on her leg), and the challenge is to figure out how to respond to their individual needs.
We must listen to our children and try to be in tune with what they're saying to us. When my 5-year-old asked me the other day "When we are sleeping at night do you lock the doors?" the wheels in my head started turning. Could this be a reaction to all the talk about safety, security and war? Maybe and maybe not, but it was obviously a signal that she wants to feel safe. I reassured her that we always keep the doors locked and that she is safe in our house.
If our safety and security are ever at risk, I will deal with those issues at that time, but for now I want her to know that our country and our community are safe.
My 11-year-old daughter is old enough to watch the news and to discuss the war at school. While I feel the need to protect her from knowing about evil in the world, it has become something out of my control. I ask myself why she should have to be aware that chemical and biological weapons exist. How do I explain to her why they were created? How do I explain it to myself?
But the fact is, she is aware. While I want her to understand the seriousness of the issues, I don't want her to live in fear.
When the children ask "Isn't war bad?" I must answer "yes," but when they then ask, "Well, we started the war, so are we wrong?" things become much more complicated. I explain that of course none of us wants war, but we also have to look at intentions. Whether President Bush and the United States government have made good or bad decisions about dealing with Saddam Hussein and beginning a war can be left to individual interpretation, but of one thing I have no doubt - the intentions of our government are in the right place. On the other hand, if we then look at Saddam and his sons, we see their intentions are not to protect or preserve anything other than them-selves, not even their own people.
I try to put the issue in more simple terms for my children: "Is there a difference between a schoolmate knocking you off the monkey bars on purpose and accidentally bumping into you, resulting in a fall?" The result may be the same - a scare and a bruise - but the intentions were completely different.
In addition to sharing my thoughts about the war, I also want to teach my children to be compassionate people, both now and as adults. While there is evil in the world - and lately our focus seems to be on the evil in the Middle East - I want to be sure that my children know that the world is made up of families just like ours. I want them to understand that the Iraqi people are not so different from us - mommies and daddies and kids who love each other and want to be healthy, happy and safe. I ask them to picture two Iraqi sisters, an 11-year-old who loves to read and a 5-year-old who loves to draw, and imagine how they must be feeling right now.
In the end, I suppose there aren't any "right" answers to my children's questions, nor are there "right" ways to address the issues about which they don't ask, but as parents, it's our challenge and responsibility to listen to our children and remind ourselves that no one knows our children better than we do.
Contact the writer at beth_olson@jewishaz.com.
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