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March 29, 2002/Nisan 16 5762, Vol. 54, No. 28
Show your kids you love them every day
BETH OLSON
Staff Writer
Today my 4-year-old daughter asked me, "Do you love me when you're mad?"
My answer, "Of course, I love you always," seemed satisfactory to her as she ran off to play.
We don't usually give much thought to loving our kids - it's so instinctual, natural, that it's not really even a conscious thought most of the time - it just is. However, do our kids always know that we love them? After all, our day-to-day interactions, especially with our older children, aren't always particularly loving.
"Is your homework done?"
"If your room isn't clean by 7, you are grounded tomorrow."
"TURN YOUR RADIO DOWN!"
Every parent - even the most loving and conscientious among us - could incorporate more loving acts into daily exchanges with our children.
Let them see how much you care. Once, while watching "Oprah," I heard a parenting expert say something that touched me deeply: "What every child wants most of all is for their parent's face to light up when they walk in a room." The beauty of this is that it is so simple, yet undeniably meaningful.
Since that day, I try to greet my children each morning and each day after school with a smile and a "Good morning!" or "Hi! How was your day?" I know it's hard at 5:30 a.m. or when you walk in the door to dog-chewed library books, but it's worth it.
Be active at their school. Children spend the majority of their waking hours at school. Whether they enjoy school or not, it is the most important component of their lives, other than family. Let your children know that you value them by showing them that you value what is important to them.
There are endless opportunities to keep involved in your child's school community, whether you are a working parent or a stay-at-home mom with young children or anything in between. My greatest satisfaction has come from directly helping in the classroom. Most teachers are very flexible with volunteer schedules. Even if you don't feel comfortable directly working with the children or doing "artsy" things like putting up bulletin boards, there's not an elementary school teacher I know that isn't eternally grateful for an hour spent making copies.
If your job doesn't allow for you to visit the school during the school day, there are plenty of opportunities to volunteer for evening activities - talent shows, carnivals, book fairs - or to participate in the PTA, or other available committees for parents.
Two other keys I've found for keeping up with what's happening at school are actually reading the communication that comes home from teachers and administration (I know it's a chore, but there's a lot of information there) and spending time at the beginning of each year to learn the names of each of my children's classmates.
You don't always have to know more than your kids. This is a tough one for all of us. Many times we want to impart our wisdom on our little ones "for their own good," but the majority of the time, unless it's something harmful, we should really let it go.
Let them learn some lessons themselves, and don't turn everything they say into a battle. For example, when my 4-year-old told me this morning that God said she could eat Wheatable crackers on Passover, I could have argued with her, or explained to her how I know more than she, but isn't it easier for everyone to just nod my head and say, "Wow! God said that?" Now, she may be shocked when she discovers that there aren't really any crackers in the house for Passover, but is it always necessary to point out that we are right and they are wrong?
Spend time with each child. As the parent of only two children, I know I have it easy in this department - every time one of them is at a friend's house or dance class I end up with alone time with the other one. The key is to not just have time alone with each child, but to have quality alone time.
An easy way to do this on a daily basis is to read to your kids. Most parents read to their young children, but don't let it fall by the wayside when they learn to read themselves. My absolute favorite time of the day is when I read a chapter of a novel to my 10-year-old daughter before she goes to bed. It's not that she can't read it herself. In fact, her reading level is probably higher than my own. But this is undeniably the most meaningful time my daughter and I spend together.
In families where mom is the primary caregiver, it is especially important for dad to spend time with each child on a regular basis. My husband has belonged to YMCA Indian Princess with my older daughter for six years - the program has not only developed a strong relationship between them, but a mutual love of camping and hiking.
Tri-City Jewish Community Center offers a "Daddy and Me" program once a month - from bowling to sporting events to a trip to Rawhide. If there aren't similar programs at your school or synagogue, start one yourself.
I love you. That's right, just say it. Every day. Several times a day even. I took to telling my 10-year-old every so often, "There's nothing you could do to make me stop loving you." While her typical exasperated response is "Mom! Why do you always have to say that?" the response is simple. It's true.
Contact the writer at beth_olson@jewishaz.com
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