|
|
March 2, 2001/Adar 7, 5761, Vol. 53, No.22
Building families
Members of Jewish adoption triad start Phoenix group
LEISAH NAMM
Assistant Editor
Andi and Craig Maron, with their three adopted children, take part in the Jewish National Fund Tu B'Shevat Festival on Feb. 4. The children, from left, are Shai Elijah, Matana and Eden.
Photo by Leisah Namm |
After adopting his first two children, Craig Maron of Phoenix began searching for a way to link adoption, Judaism and community - and a way for him and his wife, Andi, to connect with others who might share similar experiences.
His search brought him to Stars of David, a national nonprofit organization providing help for all members of the adoption triad - birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptees.
The first meeting of the Phoenix chapter of Stars of David, in collaboration with the Shalom Center of Healing, Education and Growth, will be held 7 p.m., March 22, at Temple Chai, 4645 E. Marilyn Road, Phoenix.
Rabbi William Berk of Temple Chai will speak on the topic "Judaism and Adoption, A Personal View." Berk is the father of three adopted sons and two biological daughters.
He plans to discuss the seriousness and long-term challenges of adoption and the difficulties, rewards and emotional issues associated with it. He says he will also speak about the traditional Jewish view of adoption, the mitzvah of adoption and the "miracle of adoption."
In bringing Stars of David to a local level, Maron says he wants the group to "meet the needs of the adoptive community of Phoenix." The initial meeting is to determine these needs.
"As Jews, a lot of times we feel alone," Maron says. "As adoptive families, a lot of times you definitely feel alone. You combine that together; you might feel there's nobody dealing with the issues that we're dealing with. And that's just not the case."
Birth mothers
Birth mothers place their babies for adoption for multiple reasons, says Susan Friend, a counselor for the Family Counseling Center in Phoenix.
These reasons include being too young, not being emotionally ready for parenthood, financial issues - such as not wanting to raise a child on welfare - estrangement from the birth father, or wanting the child to be raised in a two-parent family.
Ages of birth mothers who consider adoption are typically 15-23, Friend says. However, the majority who place their babies for adoption are 20-23. "At that age they can do more abstract thinking and really think ahead into the future, whereas a younger person may be looking at a more idealized view," she says.
Friend, a birth mother support-group facilitator, says the feelings birth mothers express in her sessions primarily revolve around grief - worrying whether or not they made the right decision or about their baby's welfare. "It's very, very helpful if they can have some sort of contact (with their baby)," Friend says. Contact ranges from an open arrangement, where birth mothers play an active role in the child's life or make occasional visits, to receiving letters and pictures. "It depends on the comfort levels of the parties involved," she explains.
Many birth parents select the adoptive family;
they look through notebooks with pictures, descriptions and other details of prospective adoptive families. Criteria may include religion, the number of siblings in the prospective adoptees' household and the likelihood of the child receiving a college education.
The Marons were present for the birth of their oldest daughter, Matana, now 3-1/2. The couple was able to see their second daughter, Eden, 2, and their son Shai, one month, moments after they were born.
It is now much more common for adoptive parents to be present at birth than it was 20-30 years ago, Friend says.
"It's a real gift to be able to be there when the baby is born," Craig Maron says. All three of their birth mothers requested private time with each of their babies and then spent a few moments alone with the Marons.
"It's very important that the birth mother has the opportunity to hold, see and say goodbye to the baby," Friend says.
It's also very helpful for the adoptive parents to know the birth mother to some degree - to be able to pass on information to the child, she adds. For example, to explain to the child what the circumstances were surrounding the adoption. "It's helpful to the child to not feel rejected or unloved," Friend says.
Sometimes birth mothers send pictures of their extended family, a personal letter or some sort of special gift to their child, Friend says.
Openness is a very complicated issue for both birth mother and the adoptive parent, Maron says. It's difficult to determine how much is right for the birth mother and how much is right for the child. "The bottom line is, what's important for the kid? Nobody really knows," he says.
The Marons periodically send their children's birth mothers updates and pictures of the children.
"Birth parents are very much a hidden part of society because it's not been something that's been very acceptable to talk about because the assumption has been that they don't want the children, and that is ... not usually the case at all," Friend says. "It's a very painful, difficult thing."
The Family Counseling Center offers adoption counseling to all members of the adoption triad.
Adoptive parents
In 1990, the Council for Jewish Federations conducted a National Jewish Population Survey, according to Susan Katz, director of Stars of David. Results showed 3 percent of all American Jews were adopted: 246,000 of 8,200,000 Jews.
According to Gail Lipsitz in a 1991 Journal of Jewish Communal Service, "one in five Jewish couples of childbearing age in America struggles with infertility. This figure is somewhat higher than in the general community as Jews tend to marry and begin childbearing later."
Lipsitz wrote that although there may be ideological reasons for adoption, such as concern about population growth and the suffering of disadvantaged children, Jews primarily choose to adopt because of infertility.
The goal of Stars of David, founded in 1984, is "building Jewish families through adoption," Katz says. She describes it as an information and referral resource network. It is not an adoption agency, although it does refer people to adoption agencies.
There are about 20-30 chapters throughout the United States, with about 1,000 member-families. Membership is $25 per individual or family or $125 per agency or professional.
Visit www.starsofdavid.org or call 1-800-STAR349.
Stars of David provides general adoption information as well as information specific to Judaism.
"If you're trying to follow a spiritual path, adoption throws out a lot of issues," Maron says.
Challenges that Jewish adoptive parents may encounter include facing the commandment to "be fruitful and multiply" and qualifications for converting the baby if the birth mother is not Jewish.
"I personally don't have a lot of doubts that my kids are being raised Jewish, and I've come to a pretty good place with whether or not they're from a Jewish mother or not," Maron says. "That doesn't bother me, but it doesn't mean those issues aren't very real for a lot of people."
In its material, Stars of David lists suggested ceremonies for celebrating adoption. These include a brit milah (circumcision), the conversion of a baby with a non-Jewish birth mother, a naming ceremony for a daughter or son, or ceremonies created especially for adoption.
The main challenge of adopting Jewish children is that the vast majority of birth mothers are not Jewish, Katz says. Reasons for this are that Jews adopt at a higher rate than non-Jews and that abortion is permitted in the Jewish religion, she says.
To help with the financial needs of adoption, The Phoenix Jewish Free Loan Association provides interest-free adoption loans through the Al and Fran Sachs Fund for Jewish Adoptions, which was established in April 1998.
The loan is essentially to meet new expenses in relation to the adoption, says Selma Fiel of Phoenix Jewish Free Loan. It does not necessarily cover entire adoption costs.
The cost of private adoptions ranges from $4,500-$5,500 and the cost of agency adoptions from $8,000-$40,000, says Phoenix attorney Daniel Ziskin.
Adoptees
Sisters Mara Addison, 44, and Donna Benjamin, 42, were born to a Jewish mother and placed for adoption at birth (see accompanying story). They didn't learn about each other's existence until last November.
Both were adopted by Jewish families and raised in Jewish homes. Addison was raised in a Conservative, kosher home and went to Hebrew school. Benjamin was also raised in a "loosely" Conservative home where she attended Hebrew school and High Holiday services.
Throughout the years, Addison has searched on and off for her birth mother. "Most of the time I would come to a dead end, and it would really come down to hiring someone, and I never had the financial means to do it," she says. Addison registered at every adoption registry site. "If she was looking, (my birth mother) could have found me very easily," she says.
Benjamin says her search happened in two stages. She found her birth mother's last name in 1980-1981 after seeing her adoption papers. In 1988, she started an intensive search and received non-identifiable information about her birth mother. This type of information includes background information, and social and medical history.
After reaching a dead end, she didn't inquire further until 1994. In 1999 she posted a message on a bulletin board - a message that eventually led to meeting Addison.
"(The search) hasn't been something that I put a lot of time and energy into," Benjamin says. She says she primarily wanted to know about her ancestry and genealogy.
"The debate about whether it is heredity of environment has been answered," Addison says. "Not only does (Benjamin) look extremely like me, our lives have been similar, we have the same mannerisms, speech, skin, life lines and think very similar thoughts."
Close to 100 percent of birth mothers want to be contacted by their child, Friend says. "Years and years ago, birth parents typically did not think that they had any right at all once they placed a child - like they were a bad person," she says. "Fortunately some of the education and counseling that they're getting is helping them change that view - that it really is OK to want to be reunited with their adopted child."
Concerns birth mothers have about these reunions include whether or not the child will be angry or upset with them or if the child will understand why they felt adoption was the best option.
Several women who attend the birth mother support group regularly are those who placed their baby up for adoption 15-30 years ago and are dealing with either approaching or reuniting with their placed children. One of their biggest struggles is trying to balance showing an interest without being intrusive, Friend says.
Legal issues
Arizona has great adoption laws, says Kathryn Pidgeon, a Phoenix adoption attorney and a member of the American Academy of Adoption Attorneys.
"When an adoptive family reaches 30 days after the birth of their child, they can be satisfied that everything is done, and no one can ever come back and disrupt their adoption," she says.
Although a birth parent cannot sign a consent form until three days after birth, once they sign it, their consent is irrevocable, she adds.
In Arizona, lawyers have an obligation to notify the potential birth father of the adoption plan as soon as they are identified. The birth father has "30 days to file a paternity action in domestic relations court if they wish to disrupt the adoption," Pidgeon says. "If they don't do that, they're barred from ever coming forward."
In cases when the birth father is not contacted, the law states that the man must come forward within 30 days of birth to file a Putative Father's Registry at the Office of Vital Records. "If you don't, you're forever barred," Pidgeon says. Ignorance of the pregnancy is no excuse.
Arizona is the only state in the country that requires adoptive parents to be certified to adopt, Pidgeon says. A licensed local agency conducts a home study and prospective adoptive parents must be FBI fingerprinted.
There are three ways adoption is done legally in Arizona: through a licensed agency, a licensed lawyer or adopting a foster child through the Department of Economic Security.
Using a facilitator or any other group is illegal in Arizona, Pidgeon says. She handles about 40-50 adoptions each year.
She stresses that "it's very important that families, like any other major decision in life, do their homework and their research." She suggests that prospective adoptive parents listen to recommendations and meet one-on-one with attorneys they might want to work with.
"Half the battle is getting people to understand where to go, who to talk to and make sure they stay with experts who aren't going to take advantage of them," Pidgeon says. "Adoption is an area where you can be taken great advantage of, and unfortunately people are taken advantage of all the time."
"Adoption is very complicated," Maron says.
"Add this to being Jewish... and it has its own challenges."
Details
What: Stars of David
Where: Temple Chai, 4645 E. Marilyn Road, Phoenix
When: 7 p.m. Thursday, March 22
Cost: $5 per family. Free child care will be available.
Call: Craig Maron, 602-770-0414; Sharona Silverman of the Shalom Center of Healing Education and Growth, 602-971-1234
|
|
