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February 9, 2001/Shevet 16, 5761, Vol. 53, No.19
When death happensAdvance planning eases burden for relatives, friends
TAMI BICKLEY
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 Beth El Memorial Park in Phoenix is one of three all-Jewish cemeteries in the Valley. Photo by Mark Gluckman |
Perhaps it is fear of the unknown that prevents people from actively anticipating their own death. Though many traditional Jews believe in an afterlife more meaningful and spiritual than the present life, the subject of death is too daunting for many to acknowledge.
As a result, when someone dies, survivors may face last-minute decisions such as how and where their loved one will be buried.
Jewish tradition calls for specific measures to be taken from the moment of death until at least a year after burial. That tradition requires family and/or friends to insure that the deceased is cared for and buried "as a Jew," says Rabbi Laibel Blotner of Chabad of Phoenix, who notes that the stress of losing a loved one may be exacerbated by the pressing need to respectfully care for and bury him or her.
Individuals who carefully map out what they want for themselves at death can significantly reduce the stress on their family, says Blotner.
Following are actions Jews traditionally take after the death of a loved one. A local Jewish funeral director and Orthodox, Conservative and Reform rabbis share their views about and experiences in dealing with death and grieving.
What happens to the soul?
In order to appreciate Jewish traditions with regard to handling death, it is important to understand what happens to the soul after death, say rabbis.
According to Rabbi Zalman Levertov of Chabad of Phoenix, Jews traditionally believe that each of us has two souls - one animalistic, one divine. The divine soul is a part of God that God gave to us and is the soul "that studies the wisdom of God prior to coming into this world," explains Levertov. This soul strives for spirituality. The animalistic soul, in contrast, wants "mundane, materialistic things," he says.
At death, a Jew is held accountable for his or her actions on Earth.
"If our soul is pure, it unites with other souls and studies the wisdom of God," says Levertov. "But if we die and have stains on our soul, it has to be cleansed." And that, he adds, is the reason Jews say the mourners Kaddish (prayer for the dead) for 11 months after a loved one dies.
An evil person is judged for 12 months, and mourners don't want to give the impression that the person was evil, explains Blotner.
But even if a Jew ultimately is with God after death, survivors may never be able to prepare fully for the finality of death. So they mourn, and then - as instructed by God - must eventually accept a loved one's passing.
Finding a rabbi
The circumstances surrounding a death often determine whether a rabbi is present when it occurs. When the rabbi is not at the deceased person's bedside, the first person usually contacted immediately following death is a funeral director.
And so a family member or hospital staff member would likely call Ray Perlman, funeral director and owner of Sinai Mortuary in Phoenix, the Valley's only all-Jewish chapel.
If the deceased was a member of a synagogue, Perlman will call that synagogue's rabbi. If the person was unaffiliated, Sinai will "try its very best to find a rabbi who will fit (the family's) needs," says Perlman.
Perlman, the grandson and son of funeral directors, helped establish Sinai in 1971 because there was a need for a Jewish funeral home in the Valley, he says. About 98 percent of Sinai's clientele is Jewish.
He credits Sinai's success in part to rabbis who often officiate at a funeral for an unaffiliated or non-resident Jew at a moment's notice.
"We could not accomplish as many funerals as we do if the (local) congregational rabbis did not step forward and help us. It's a team effort," Perlman says.
For example, Rabbi Bonnie Koppell of Temple Beth Sholom, a Conservative synagogue in Chandler, says she frequently receives calls from funeral homes asking if she can officiate the following day for someone she does not know. She and Rabbi Albert Plotkin are among several rabbis who officiate at funerals for non-congregation members, across denominational lines.
"We're all Jews, and I see my duty as a rabbi to serve all Jews, and even non-Jews and agnostics and atheists," says Plotkin, who is rabbi emeritus of Temple Beth Israel in Scottsdale.
Nonetheless, "things go much smoother when people are affiliated when it comes to death," Koppell says. "People need to think about their affiliation when they are still living, and that will make it a lot easier for (their families) when they are no longer living."
After death
When a Jew dies, the body is thought to be as sacred as a Torah scroll, writes Maurice Lamm in "The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning." The body therefore should be handled as a Torah, with the utmost respect. The eyes and mouth of the deceased must be shut, and a sheet is drawn over the face. The person's feet must face the doorway. Other than this, says Lamm, the body should not be touched.
There are extenuating circumstances in the case of death by tragedy, such as an automobile accident, when the body is usually taken to the hospital.
After death, however it occurs, the body ultimately is taken to a funeral home. Before preparing the body at Sinai, Perlman consults with the family to determine their wishes. Families often ask about the requirements of Jewish law and custom for handling the body and the funeral service and burial, he says.
"We try to steer them toward Jewish tradition, but we always invite them to speak with their rabbi," says Perlman. Sometimes a family may request a service that defies traditional Judaism, such as cremation or embalming. "When a family walks through our doors, they employ us, and we do whatever they ask of us," says Perlman. While Sinai advises families to stick to traditional Judaism, "the end result is, whatever their requests are, they are followed."
Perlman calls Sinai a "full-service organization" that sells everything the mortuary industry offers, including ornate caskets and urns for cremated remains, even though neither item is traditionally used by Jews.
When a family chooses to follow Jewish tradition, the mortuary arranges for a shomer (watcher) to watch the body continuously until the funeral. The shomer may be a friend, or a family member of the deceased who is not his or her parent, sibling, child or spouse. The shomer recites from the Book of Psalms while sitting awake at night, according to Lamm.
The body is then washed at the funeral home in a process of taharah (purification), considered a sacred, religious act. In some communities, the body is washed in a special mikvah inside the funeral home. No such mikvah exists in the Valley.
Once cleansed, the body is dressed in burial shrouds made of white linen cloth. "To be buried in anything but that is a sign of arrogance," says Blotner, who is Orthodox.
Some unaffiliated or Reform Jews dress their loved ones in clothing, Plotkin says.
The casket
"For dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return" (Genesis 3:19) tells Jews that a casket should be made entirely of something derived from the earth, preferably wood. Some authorities believe only wooden pegs may be used to seal the casket, while others allow metal nails and metal handles. There should not be any material or cushioning inside the casket, says Blotner.
Lamb explains in his book that a wooden casket will decompose at the same rate as the body and shroud, so the body can return to dust as quickly as possible.
The casket should be as plain as possible. Sinai offers a wide selection, ranging in price from $400 to $6,000, depending on how elaborate they are, Perlman says.
The Conservative movement encourages choosing caskets made of wood; the Reform movement allows non-traditional caskets.
Cremation
At death, there is nothing more widely requested that goes against the grain of Judaism as much as cremation, say religious leaders. That Orthodox practice strictly forbids it doesn't stop some Orthodox Jews from requesting it, says Blotner. He has dissuaded families from cremating their deceased relatives, he says.
Even if a Jew requests cremation in a will or verbally, the family is dissuaded from doing so, says Blotner.
"We believe as Jews that when the soul departs, it's a mitzvah (commandment) to listen to that person's wish when they were dying. If a person says, 'When I die, give $1,000 to my son,' we try to (carry out) those requests," he says.
"But we try to convince the family that even if the person said he wanted to be cremated, that they not do it. After the soul departs, it knows what it wants. And as a Jew, it wants to do the right thing. And it's the biggest disgrace to be cremated as a Jew."
Blotner and Levertov both say they have persuaded families to forgo cremation. When a family does not take their advice, then as Orthodox rabbis they must excuse themselves from officiating at the funeral, Blotner says.
"It's not really a Jewish funeral if the person is not buried the Jewish way," explains Blotner.
When Koppell meets with families who insist on cremation, she, too, tries to steer them toward traditional Jewish burial. And when she is not successful in changing their minds, she alters the way she conducts the funeral.
"I don't know if the Conservative movement discourages or outright prohibits rabbis from participating in the interment" of cremated remains, she says. "I might participate in a funeral service while the body is still intact, and then, if the family chooses to do cremation, they can do that privately," she says.
Plotkin does officiate at funerals where the deceased have been cremated. Though he may initially explain to the family that cremation is not the preferred method of burial, he says he "doesn't argue with them in terms of death."
"I am there to comfort them because I believe, as a Reform rabbi, that cremation is an option. Personally, I don't like it. But in Reform Judaism, we do accept cremation, so I have no objections from a theological point of view," he says. "My job is to comfort, console and help the family - not to pour salt on the wound."
Autopsy and organ donation
As with cremation, both autopsy and organ donation are prohibited in traditional Judaism. However, the topic has fueled debate among rabbis of all denominations, as the mitzvah of organ donation to improve the quality of life of another, and the future life-saving aspects of autopsy have been recognized. Most rabbis interviewed for this story recommended that a family consult their own rabbi.
Funeral
It was once customary to bury a Jew within 24 hours after death to assist the body in returning to the earth in a timely manner. Today that tradition is less frequently carried out.
"That 24-hour standard is sometimes difficult to uphold when family members have to come in from out of town," explains Koppell. The solution, she says, is to bury the person as soon as possible - usually within two days. Someone who dies just before or on Shabbat may still be buried two days later, but a funeral service and mourning do not take place during Shabbat.
The funeral may be held in a chapel, graveside, at a public facility if many people are expected to attend, or at a synagogue. According to Koppell, synagogue funerals are generally reserved for "someone who is a very significant leader of the community."
Before the service, mourners rip a piece of the clothing they are wearing, an act called k'riah (rending the garment), to show that their hearts are torn. This is done by the deceased person's children (provided they are older than b'nai-mitzvah age), parents, siblings or spouse. The torn garments must be worn for seven days during shiva (the mourning period).
Many non-traditional Jews instead tear a black ribbon, which they fasten to their clothing during shiva, and sometimes longer, during a 30-day mourning period called sheloshim.
Psalms and a hesped ("praise," commonly known as a eulogy) are read at the service, except on certain Jewish holidays, including Hanukkah, Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur, which are considered "festivals" when eulogies are not read, says Blotner.
At Conservative and Reform funerals, family members frequently talk from the pulpit about the deceased.
"I encourage family members to talk," says Plotkin. "(I) may know the (deceased) very well but may have not had the kind of relationship with him the family has, and it's important for them to express their grief."
Blotner allows family members to speak, but discourages lengthy speeches. "There is no mitzvah to keep the body waiting while you give lengthy speeches," he says.
Plotkin includes poems in funerals at which he officiates, making sure to follow the traditions of the denomination of the deceased. Koppell, too, will include a poem or piece of music at the family's request.
Two aspects of non-Jewish funerals that are prohibited in Judaism are flowers and viewing the body.
Viewing the body is a Christian tradition, something even Reform Jews don't allow, Plotkin says. "I plead with the family to remember the person as they were alive and to have the casket closed."
Similarly, flowers are also a Christian tradition and are discouraged at Jewish funerals mainly because "the funds can be better used to support things that will have more of an impact on the living," explains Koppell. She suggests that the money be donated to support the hospice that cared for the deceased, medical research, the person's synagogue or a Jewish charity.
Burial
After the funeral service, the body is transported to the cemetery. In the Valley, there are three cemeteries that are entirely designated for Jews - Chabad Cemetery in Phoenix; Temple Beth Israel Memorial Cemetery in Phoenix; and Beth El Memorial Park in Phoenix.
Three cemeteries that are not entirely Jewish but have areas set aside for Jewish plots are Gan Ohav Shalom at Green Acres Cemetery and Memorial Gardens in Scottsdale; Paradise Memorial Gardens in Scottsdale; and Garden of Shalom at Phoenix Memorial Park.
Those carrying the casket to the gravesite do so with the feet of the deceased facing front; along the way they make seven stops, corresponding to the seven verses of Psalm 91 that are recited.
The casket is then lowered into the grave, usually by machinery, as the rabbi recites psalms. Then, one by one, those present - except for the rabbi - shovel dirt into the grave to signify the finality of death. After shoveling in dirt, the mourner should place the shovel back into the earth, rather than passing it to the hands of the next person, Lamm writes, a gesture symbolizing that death "be not contagious."
Mourning
There are three stages of mourning: shiva, which lasts seven days; sheloshim, which lasts 30 days; and an 11-month period when Kaddish is said for the dead.
Shiva begins the day of interment. After interment, the mourners go to the designated shiva house, where, upon entering, they wash their hands, as is customary to do when returning from a cemetery. The shiva house can be the house in which the deceased lived or the home of a mourner. It is there where the mourners will observe shiva and remain for the seven-day period. It is also where a shiva candle, given to the family by the funeral home, will burn for the duration of shiva.
The mourners observe many religious laws during shiva. The mirrors in the home are covered to de-emphasize vanity. The mourners do not wear shoes, as shoes represent vanity and comfort, says Lamm. Mourners sit on low stools to be closer to the earth.
Mourners should not bathe during shiva, says Blotner, and should not wear cosmetics or new clothing or cut their nails or hair, which are all signs of vanity, he says.
Another tradition is that Jews who are mourning be left alone without visitors for two to three days after they bury their loved ones. Many mourners, however, especially those who are not Orthodox, accept visitors beginning the first day of shiva.
Mourners also should not greet people. Those who pay a condolence call to a mourner, says Blotner, should say to him or her when leaving, "May God console you among other mourners of Zion and Jerusalem."
Friends and relatives are supposed to bring a "meal of condolence" to the shiva home. Bagels and eggs traditionally are eaten, says Blotner.
After the seven days of shiva ends, mourners enter the 30-day period of sheloshim, when they may leave the home, wear shoes and bathe, but not cut their hair or nails or listen to music. They also must not wear new clothing. On the 30th day, mourners should go to the gravesite and place a stone on top of the grave marker.
Throughout the 10 months after sheloshim, Kaddish is recited to "help the person and help the soul," explains Blotner. The prayer is also recited on each yahrzeit, anniversary of the loved one's death and at Yizkor ("remembrance") services at the synagogue.
A process made easier
With all that is involved in a traditional Jewish death, many rabbis and funeral directors will admit that one who carefully plans for the aftermath of his or her own death removes a heavy burden from family members in the future.
"In Judaism, it is actually considered good luck and you will live a long life if you make funeral arrangements for your own funeral," says Blotner.
"I'm a big proponent of advance arrangements," says Koppell, "and I think it takes enormous pressure off of the survivors if the deceased had taken the time while they were still living to articulate their desires. There are a lot of decisions that need to be made in a very short time under very emotional circumstances, and it's a great favor people could do for their family members to have those arrangements made in advance so no one is second-guessing later."