|
|
May 12, 2000/7 Iyar 5760, Vol. 52, No.36
Degrees of observance challenge wedding plans
Tell me Rabbi
RABBI BRADLEY ARTSON
Special to Jewish News
Dear Rabbi:
I am busy planning my wedding in a few months to a wonderful man. Both sets of parents are thrilled about the engagement and have been wonderfully supportive and loving.
Here's the problem: I was raised Conservative and my fianc‚ was raised in a traditional modern Orthodox home. My family and their friends do not keep kosher and do not observe Shabbat regularly. His family and many of their friends and close relatives are shomer Shabbat (Sabbath observant), and some are "strict" kosher (only eat in kosher restaurants) while others keep more "modified" kosher.
These differences have made planning the wedding weekend very complex and stressful, particularly for my mother, who is handling most of the details in my hometown.
For example, the Friday night dinner before the wedding has to begin and end before sundown to enable those who are shomer Shabbat to travel to their hotel, and the prenuptial dinner on Saturday evening must start after Shabbat, at 10 p.m., if we serve kosher food, to accommodate those who are observant.
My future mother-in-law has asked my mother to ask families who live near our shul to host observant out-of-town guests so that they may walk to shul on Shabbat instead of staying at the hotel and (praying) there.
My mother is becoming angrier at each request, because she feels that the observant guests (a small percentage of the total wedding guests) are "taking over" her plans for the wedding weekend.
I feel caught in the middle because I see the situation from both sides. How do you suggest I deal with this issue?
Dear Friend: The challenge of integrating two different families is always tough. Weddings often generate a great deal of tension and anger because feelings run so high and because people come to weddings with very different preconceptions about what ought to happen.
I can sympathize with your mother. It sounds like the entire burden has fallen on her shoulders - making all the plans, accommodating everyone's needs, anticipating peoples' concerns.
This is a heavy burden and she needs to hear how grateful the rest of the family is that she is willing to do the hard work to make the wedding beautiful.
That said, the focus of a wedding is the bride and groom. Your mutual happiness and joy is the entire focus of the day. Indeed, causing a bride to rejoice is a mitzvah, a religious commandment. In the service of that mitzvah, making all the guests feel welcome and accommodated is a high virtue.
I'm sure the more observant relatives and friends regret having to need special consideration, but feeling commanded by God doesn't leave a lot of room for compromise. The Sabbath is one of the Ten Commandments, and the Torah is quite clear that its observance is one of the weightiest of all the mitzvot.
Kashrut, similarly, has been a mainstay of Jewish life and a powerful expression of God's sovereignty and the sanctity of life. No one should have to sacrifice personal integrity for the sake of attending a wedding or a meal.
I encourage you and your fianc‚ to do the planning for the observant relatives. It isn't fair to your mother to have to do everything herself, and it isn't fair to ask Jews to have to choose between faith and family.
Some way should be found to accommodate their participation without burdening your poor mom.
Best wishes and mazel tov to you all.
Mail letters to Dear Rabbi, Rabbi Bradley Shavit Artson, Dean, The Ziegler School of Rabbinic Studies, 15600 Mulholland Drive, Bel Air, CA 90077-1599; or e-mail bartson@uj.edu. To be considered for publication, letters must have a name, address, and telephone number for purposes of verification. Only fictitious names will be used in a published letter.
|
