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February 11, 2000/5 Adar 1 5760, Vol. 52, No.23
Love stories
Relationships withstand the test of time
TAMI BICKLEY
Associate Editor
Isadore and Bertha Racowsky enjoy dancing together after 63 years of marriage. Spending time together keeps their love strong, they say.
Photo by Linda Enger
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If you think it's hard to come up with a new Valentine's Day gift idea for your sweetheart, imagine doing it for 63 years.
Isadore and Bertha Racowsky have been married that long. And every time Feb. 14 rolls around, the Phoenix couple foregoes gift giving and celebrate their long-time romance by dining out.
For those who consider Valentine's Day no more than a fabricated, mushy pretense; or a holiday that warrants no more than a last-minute run to the nearest chocolate shop, three local couples - all happily married, all deeply in love - explain what it takes to keep the home-fires burning within their own relationships and how to say "Be my valentine" to the same person for a lifetime.
Back when the Racowskys were newlyweds living in St. Louis, they recognized that perhaps the most important commitment they could make was to never stray far from each another.
"When we were first married, I took a vacation (alone) to another city to attend a bar mitzvah," says Bertha Racowsky. "When I came back home, I said to my husband, 'I will never go away on vacation and leave you. I only want to be with you the rest of my life.'
To this day, the Racowskys, now both in their 80s, do almost everything as a couple. When at home, Bertha sews while Isadore reads or manages finances. On most afternoons, they participate together in activities at the Jewish Community Center's seniors' center on Montebello Avenue in Central Phoenix.
Every Saturday morning they attend Shabbat services at Beth El Congregation.
"Some people say that maybe it's good to have a break, but we only want to be together because we love each other," adds Bertha.
But for Phil and Ann Pearl, both 77 and married 51 years, giving each spouse "space" is the key to happiness.
"We're not joined at the hip," explains Ann Pearl. "We each have so many things going on during the day, but we always try to connect at night."
The Pearls, who live in Phoenix, find time to play racquetball together and occasionally go dancing. Like the Racowskys, they also join in JCC seniors' center activities together. But they cherish the moments when they are alone, as well.
Leonard and Sylvia Smith, both 78, of Phoenix have made it a priority during their 58 years of marriage "to not ask questions" about what the other one wants to do or where he or she plans to go.
"As long as you love each other and don't fight over petty things, it can work," says Sylvia Smith.
One aspect of a romance many couples savor is how they met and fell in love. The Smiths, for example, both cherish memories of the first day of their courtship, Feb. 25, 1938.
Sylvia, who lived in Rhode Island, was visiting her sister in Boston. Leonard was visiting a friend who lived nearby. As he stood outside his friend's home, Leonard spotted Sylvia from afar and shouted to her, asking if she would go with him to a dance. Sylvia accepted.
Afterward, they communicated through letters and saw each other only occasionally when Sylvia visited Boston, or when Leonard would hitchhike to Rhode Island.
Following a few years of courtship, they married and moved in with Sylvia's parents in Rhode Island. As a wedding gift, her parents gave them half ownership of the family hot dog and hamburger restaurant, which they helped run until Leonard was inducted into the U.S. Marines, then the U.S. Army, where he served as a cook in 1943.
After World War II, the couple lived on their own in Rhode Island until they moved to Phoenix in 1972. They have three children, eight grandchildren and six great-grandchildren.
What has kept them together for all these years, they agree, is that they don't "keep any secrets."
"If my wife does something that I don't like, we discuss it," says Leonard. He adds that "keeping my mouth shut sometimes and just listening to her" has spared the couple much tumultuousness.
The Pearls, who have three children and six grandchildren, met when they both worked for the United States government, in the U.S. Engineers office on Wall Street in New York City. Ann lived in Manhattan, Phil in Brooklyn.
They dated for two years, and then decided to marry. They saved their money so that Ann could have the wedding she had always wanted.
"It was important to me to be dressed as a bride," she says.
When their three children were all teenagers in the hippie, rebellious 1960s, the Pearls experienced the stress that raising children can create on a marriage. They eventually worked through those tough years by communicating openly with each other - a practice they have continued.
Another important relationship tool for the Pearls is humor. Phil is a jokester and tease; Ann patiently tells him to mind his manners.
Why doesn't she laugh at his jokes? And why doesn't she get angry when he taunts her?
"After 51 years of marriage, I've heard them all," she says.
The Racowskys, who declare that they have maintained "a happy home," met in St. Louis through mutual friends. The only time they felt trouble brewing in their relationship was several years ago, when Bertha's mother died. The heartache of losing someone so close to her caused tension in the marriage, she says, but after she and her husband grieved, they made an extra effort to "have a good life" and "take care of each other."
Bertha says that in order for marriages to withstand the test of time, couples must share equally in household duties and realize that "nobody's perfect."
"You really have to try to understand each other and overlook your faults," she explains. "We're all individuals and we're all different. Be tolerant of one another and help one another."
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